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Published: September 10th 2007
Fergie's song "Big Girls Don't Cry" is the story of my life. It pretty much sums up almost every relationship (professional, romantic and friendship wise) I have ever had.
I'm feeling down.
I'm sincerely starting to doubt the job prospect for me here in Israel - at least in the firefighting/medic capacity. It seems as if I am stone-walled every 5 steps I take. It's really starting to get to me.
Now, I'm all for the belief and truly I do believe it, that I am where God means me to be. I am in love with living in Israel, in love with the people, and in love with all the crazy things that happen to me here. I feel so much more at peace with myself now that I live here that I don't want to live anywhere else for right now.
BUT
I am slowly getting more and more depressed. Not in the way where I need to be medicated and not in the way that I have to seek professional attention (at least not yet - when I actually do start chasing fire trucks down the street screaming
'take me!!' then you have to worry) Which on a side note - I have been close to that very scenario.
Here's the main problems:
1) I don't speak fluent Hebrew - which I can totally see why this is a problem, I mean after all I live in the Jewish state where the NATIONAL language is Hebrew - but come on - give me an effin break.
2) ..... (who knows?)
3) ..... (insert some bullshit reason here)
So as you can see there would be an "easy" solution. Speak Hebrew. But here's the problems with that:
1) I work almost 40 hours a week in my job (albeit English speaking) and don't have time to do ulpan
2) I swear to God that I develop ADD when sitting in a classroom setting and can't pay attention(tried ulpan before and this happened)
3) Hebrew is not exactly the easiest language ever - lots of gutteral sounds and male/female verbs and tenses. It gets confusing.
So...in a nutshell: Yes, I am qualified and can start work ASAP. I swear, if the fire dept called me up and asked me when I could start, I would leave in the middle of my shift here at work and report to the station as fast as humanly possible. I wouldn't even give notice at this job - that's how desperate I am. I even applied to firefighting jobs in Antartica/Iraq/Afghanistan because I need to do my job so badly. I'm lost without it.
I wake up everyday knowing that it was my choice to come to Israel, knowing it would be hard at first and knowing I have to learn a language from scratch, but I never knew that I would wake up with a heavy heart and want to cry and have my heart wrench when I see a fire truck or ambulance go by and wish that I could be on it. To constantly question
"Why not me??
and then to keep walking with my head up and try to forget about it. To keep up with my training online, hear from my guys in my former department about what fires they have/had, look at my pictures and hear good news about my brothers/family in the department - it's rough. I'm starting to wear down.
On a different note - romance.....I finally told Eitan that it's completely over. We were trying the whole friends thing again, but on his end, feelings are still there and while I won't lie, they're there on my side too, but I won't allow them to flourish. I can't open myself up to him again.
I won't. So I had to shut that chapter of my life.
Men are interesting - I have a steady 3 people that I go out on dates with but none of them have made it clear they want a serious relationship. And by serious relationship, I don't mean marriage and kids (that is SO far off my radar - it's almost non-existent) but I do want a single, steady person who I can rely on, go out with and spend my time and energy with. Just when I think I've found one, something happens, but I digress.
Ok...anyways...enough of this melodrama. I know I'm normally funny and upbeat but I'm entitled to a "blah" one every so often.
"Big Girls Don't Cry"
Da Da Da Da
The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and center, clarity
Peace, Serenity
La Da Da Da Da Da
Next entry I write is to tell about how I was an onion farmer for the day!
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sleeplessinmosul
non-member comment
there are firefighter jobs in iraq?
hate to be bearer of bad news but if you think Israel is bad, Iraq is even worse, that is: for women and for women who don't sprecken. and i've been to Antarctica, talk about boring, always white and the clothes are always dirty. i've been alot of places but you have a lot of guts, moving to the Holy Land and all happy rosh