Old Mans Pub Crawl.... ''Bitter LateThan Never''

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Ok, so I realise I am supposed to be writing Travel Blog entries in here and not a Blog about Pub Crawls from the country that I originate from....but I am new to this Blogging lark, and therefore decided I could do with a little test run. Besides, who's to say this isn't travel related?. A pub crawl does contain walking, and therefore 'travelling', plus copious amounts of Beer was drunk, and therefore this Blog should not look out of place on this site due to the many entries I have read on here regarding drinking in places like Vegas, Phi Phi, or Vang Viang!.
Plus this means that you lucky people get to re-live the OMPC all over again on a pub by pub basis done purely from my memory (with some help from Patey, Donna and my Camera)....which should be interesting if not 100% accurate!

So, the Pub crawl... A brief History....

In its 4th year now, I feel the OMPC has become something of a focal point in the lives of those who attend. ''A thing not only to look forward to, but a thing to cherish and adore, and to give meaning to people’s lives again''... not my words.. No. Words of a previous attendee to the crawl. The fact that this particular comment may have come from the Bonkers 'Sistereena', (Those on the first crawl will remember this guy very well!) is neither here nor there in my book, it counts!.
, these comments may or may not have been exactly the same as above, but I can say that they will be close enough from what I remember of the evening!

Anyway, the OMPC is something we do once a year in Summer, and always within the Square mile in the City of London, just to get together and drink at establishments that I, and many of the 'craw- lees' feel are too rare these days 'Old Men Pubs'.

'So Mike, what constitutes an Old Man’s Pub then?'' I hear you all cry. Well, I'm glad you asked.....

Generally speaking an old man’s pub must have several features to make it so. These things include a Brass rail around the lower edge of the bar to use as a foot rest, musty odours are a must, generally emanating from both the beverage stained carpets and lack of general hygiene of the local patrons, as well as a toilet that is so inconvenient to use that only a flexible Oompa Loompa on a diet would be able to urinate without peeing on their shoes.....
These things however, unfortunately, are a rare find, and therefore we generally settle for places that are as close to this description as possible, meaning chain pubs like Slug and Lettuce and All Bar one are an absolute no-no. Other places that are big on the no go list are pubs that generally attract the people I would describe simply as 'Bell-ends'... these places tend to include places such as Abacus and Apt etc...Apologies if you frequent these places, but if you do, you really should be ashamed of yourselves.....You Bell-ends!
The OMPC is also a charity event. The basics being that we choose a different charity each year, and donate a few quid towards that charity. Therefore not rendering this crawl a meaningless piss up, but now being a way of helping others whilst getting pretty damn tonked at the same time!.

So there you have a brief outline of the event, now for a breakdown of some of the 'wackiness' that developed that Friday evening.....

Pub 1 - The New Moon - Leadenhall Market
Leadenhall Market has been the meeting place of all OMPC's since the start, and therefore, tradition won out. We started at the New Moon, which was an old haunt of mine back in my Deutsche Bank days. A pub that has the luxury of having an outside area, yet also being under cover, and therefore making it an all year round pub for those who like drinking outside whatever the weather. Hence, a regular on the crawl. Nothing of real significance here in terms of stories, being it was the first pub, although some of the lads did get a reminder of the Pub Crawl we had conquered only last week, when Patey played back the end of evening voice message we had left him on our Cab journey home. As you can imagine, this was not to ask if he got home alright, or to ask how he was holding up after the 13 pint marathon, but purely to insult and degrade him for fun value using several cuss words and expletives. Proud of this...No. Remember doing that..No. Amusing?...we thought so!

Pub 2 - The Jamaica Wine house
The short walk to the Jamaica Winehouse was a pleasant one, and in no time, we were upon her. The pub was opened in 1652, and therefore is one of the oldest on route.... I have a great story about the step in this pub as it happens, although I’m sure I bored most of you with this on the night, and therefore it’s not going in!. Story available on request!
The pub, having 'Jamaica' in the title suggested it was absolutely necessary that we all had a shot of Rum as a chaser to our real ale. Ale by the way, being the beverage we should have all been drinking (tut tut, you Lager drinkers out there, you know who you are!). However, Dark Rum was not a tipple they sold in there (and they call themselves Jamaican?), and therefore both Micky D and myself decided Port would be a good substitute to drop head first into our Guinness. Not the greatest of tipples for me, although the fact that everyone on the crawl wanted to try some meant I only really drank around half of that pint. Bonus!. Micky D, however, had to drink his full pint. This seemed to be a good strategic move on my part at the time, however, I think over the course of the evening, scorning Micky D early doors could well have been my downfall, as this was clearly not over!.

Pub 3 - Ye Olde Watling
This pub was a new one for the crawl, and one I had never actually been in. A risk, sure, but if 'Ye Olde' being in the name wasn’t a clear sign that this was an Old Men’s pub, then what would be?. On entering her for the first time, she did not disappoint. Brass rails were present, quality real ale was sold there, and it was darker in there than the inside of Darth Vader’s Helmet....We had struck Gold!. A pint of Bishops finger was ordered, and I was off to break the seal...
It was only then, I realised what a truly wonderful, and beautiful pub we had stumbled upon. A proper Old Man’s pub, and a great find by Miss Jupp...
Reason -
The stairs to the toilets were idiotically steep. They were so steep; that standing at the top, could be likened to doing a Black run on the Alps....So treacherous were these stairs, that a Health and Safety jobs-worth would have self-combusted on the thought of writing a report on them......and no hand rail….crazy times!

But this wasn’t the only thing.......
there was more.....

On navigating the stairs of doom and successfully getting to the bottom with all limps intact, I entered the toilets themselves....
The first thing that hit me even before entering the toilets was the HEAT........So much heat!. Hotter than the jaws of Hell!. I was only surprised there wasn’t a fat guy on a towel in there chucking oil on hot rocks in the corner.
Why does this make it a good pub?. Because it's unique, different, and it’s old. You wouldn’t get that kind of stuff in a chain pub....Puke in a sink, yes. A toilet that could double up as a sauna.....No way...this is reserved for the very best Old Men’s Pubs!.

Pub 4 - City Tavern
So after a corker that was Ye Olde Watling, we were onto the next pub ….. The City Tavern was a nice place, and worthy of the Old Man’s tag. I hadn’t been there for quite some time, so was worried that they may have changed it, however walking through the doors, seeing brass, and hearing Lionel Richie’s voice on the jukebox, I knew they had 'kept it real'. Micky D was at the bar, and pointed to an Ale named 'London Glory'. Being that this was an ale, and due to the fact that I am a proud Londoner (from Essex), I decided this was the beverage for me.
Bad move. This was the first and only ale I have ever drank with no head on what-so-ever, and also the only ale that tasted what I imagine rain water taste like!. Again though, I made such a fuss that everyone on the crawl wanted to taste the drink of doom, and I was again half a pint better off....Micky D however was still watching from the corner of his eye!.

Pub 5 - Red Herring
And then Rain.
Makeshift umbrellas and walking under overhangs were a must in order to move on to the next pub, as the heavens opened. I assumed that this wasn’t rain in the normal sense, but actually specks of London Glory mocking me, and pelting me from above.... after a quick taste though, it was clear it wasn’t London Glory at all .... This tasted far better!
Upon arrival, the Red herring actually turned out to be a very apt name for this pub. Again, a new one to the tour, I assumed that a Fullers Pub called the Red Herring would have all the quirks of an Old man Inn, however it wasn’t. Not on par with the chain pubs, but still very disappointing. My research was not up to scratch, and for that I apologise. It did however bring a very touching moment where Huckle aka Boris was re-connected with his father Nigel, who he hadn’t seen for over 2 decades!. Many a tear was shed for this moving moment, as the lost years were shared over a pint of Buttcombe!.

Pub 6 - The Old Doctor Butlers Head
Wow. I had only ever seen this place from the outside before, but this place was what the crawl was all about. Had we reached the crescendo early doors?. If you are looking for an Old Man’s pub in London, this is a top ten for me!. Chris Patey my Old man pub surveyor was also fairly impressed with this one, and therefore, you know it’s good.
This pub was another of the 'extras' pubs, to which most of the crawlers obliged by drinking a shot as well as their Ale. We were looking to get an absinth or similar in there, however this wasn’t a beverage they held, and therefore we were back to the ports in the Guinness again......joy!. That was of course apart from Patey and the rest of the Canvey crew, who I believe did shots of Baileys....!. Not the greatest of shot choices in my book, however I think it comes under the 'Old Man' category to a certain extent, and therefore play was waved on. Three quarters of the way through my Guinness and double Port, I decided I was done with it. Wrong I know, but still, I left it on the bar waiting for it to be lobbed down the drain by the barmaid never to be seen again. That was however until Micky D asked me where my pint of filth was. I told him that I was a Geezer, and that I had boshed it because I was a bloody bloke, to which he replied, 'what’s that on the bar then?'. Being the terrible liar I am, I retrieved said drink, and preceded to actually bosh it, as time had come to move on. Micky D's revenge had started!.

Pub 7 - The Globe
The 7th pub of the crawl started by me having to down a shot of Sambuca due to my mishap in the last pub as punishment, but to be fair everyone else did one anyway, so I didn’t feel to out of place.....
The globe was picked as it had a great outside area, however we couldn’t enjoy this as the rain had stuck again. Still, inside didn’t disappoint.
By now, the 7 pints were starting to kick in to everyone I think, and when I popped all of Huckles Cowboy shirt buttons from behind him, it took him at least 5-10 seconds to realise what had been done!. Reactions were slowing!.
This again came to light, when the Canvey crew gave back Patey his tie that they had for some reason drenched in Guinness from top to bottom. How it got in there, we don’t know, however I had a sneaky suspicion this was no accident, and I think Patey had the same doubts!. Either way, Primark was to be getting some more custom over the weekend.....for a replacement Blue work tie!.

Pub 8 - Lord Aberconway
Things start to get really hazy now, and I remember very little of this pub. I do remember trying to balance a pint on my head along with Patey, and not being able to get this going on. We were then 'assisted' by Micky D, who turned the 'nearly' empty glasses on our heads and held them there to it looked like we were achieving this feat for the camera. I have the picture, and it isn’t very convincing as you can clearly see Micky D holding the glasses!!. Fortunately, the Guinness missed me, but was all over Pateys shirt which of course will mean another trip to Primark .......this time, for a replacement shirt!.
I’m afraid I have nothing more on this pub, but I’m sure there are stories that my ears would be happy to greet if anyone wants to share?.
The last pub was imminent, and having heard there were stairs to climb in order to get to it, the pissed competitive nature from a few of the lads prevailed, and there was serious talk of Stair racing. This of course was never a good idea due to the amount of alcohol consumed, however was always going to be a great bit of banter, with added bragging rights for the winners.
Our resident cameraman Steve Kirk managed to film the entire event consisting of 3 races (The twins head to head, Steve Patey, and Gal, and Huckle vs. Rick), so I won’t spoil the outcome, and you can watch this in the comfort of your home or for those who don’t have a Sony Eriksson from the 90's ....... on your smartphones. Link available on request

Pub 9 - The White Horse
So finally the 9th and final pub!. Not the greatest of pubs in terms of Old man status, however I think most were to pissed to tell by then, so we were golden!.
By now, most people were pretty well gone with the fairies, including myself, so I honestly cannot give an accurate account on any events. According to the pics and the rumours I hear, it consisted of Huckle getting to know his new old man better, Nige sitting down after starting to feel the effects of the booze as standing g was no longer an option, and Huckle once again revealing his torso whilst rolling around on the floor!. It also apparently consisted of me telling Nigel how proud he should be of Gal, as he brought up a very nice young man, and that I was lucky to have such a friend.....as I said, I must have been well gone by then!!

Well, that should wrap it up for this year. I apologise as this has turned into a novel, but once I got started, I couldn’t stop....Sorry!. The travel ones will be shorter....I hope (well , you hope!). Please feel free to add comments, and any stories or stuff from the evening on here

Well, that’s it for this year’s OMPC roundup... next year will be brought to you by Mr Stephen Patey.....Let’s hope it doesn’t suck!.

Thanks again for those who came, and for those who donated too....we raised a great £95 for two great causes....!.

Thanks and Adios!

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