Motherland Part 2 Gotham City

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Bun nuh nuh nuh nuh nuh BATMAN!!!!

That could be my best start ever.

Florence Report Card
People /C+
Things to Do /B
Food/Beverage /A-
Art/Museums/Sights /A+
Cost /B-
Diarrhea /Not Available
Homeless and Annoying Peddlers F
Condoleezza Rice Sightings /Not Available

So It begins...

Since I’ve gotten to the motherland and all I’ve had is wine and a few sips of water that snuck into my mouth when I was showering, my shit had turned bright green and my urine is golden color and smells like warm sewage. We got to Florence and all I had on my mind was English Soccer. Arsenal was playing Liverpool and after a 2 hour breeze of a train ride, with my energy level high, all I could think about was slugging suds and yelling at the TV surrounded by Liverpool fans. After our 20 minute luggage drag to the hotel, we checked in and bolted for the nearest Irish/English pub. Here’s a bar tip for you, if you ever go to a bar and find lipstick on your wine glass, first check and see if your penis is still between your legs, then get up and leave, cause any place that does that is a shithole incapable of good service. This was the only pub we knew the game was on, so we stayed. After a few rounds of Guinness that was still no where nearly as frosty and delicious as Ireland, we finished the game and strolled around Florence for a while. Florence was doomed from the beginning because we had just come from Venice and nothing was going to beat Venice as far as I was concerned.

Florence did get a jump on things though as we explored it on the first night. We passed by this old church on the way home and we could here a million tiny loud squeals coming from the groups of trees next to it. As we approached it we thought it was just birds, but as we got closer and closer it was apparent that those squeals were the sounds of bats fluttering all around the trees. I’ve used the word eerie to describe several scary moments on this adventure, but this one takes the cake. It set up several cool vampire jokes to scare Tara with for the rest of the Florence trip and no one got rabies. Night one was a success.

Secret Love of Art

Florence is the home of Michelangelo’s David and Tara’s mom went to school here when she was younger. It’s just as beautiful as you would expect. We went first to see this painting in this old political hall that is now a museum called the Palazzo Vecchio. I had seen this story on 60 minutes where behind a Giorgio Vasari fresco, there is an old Leonardo Da Vinici mural called, “the Battle of Anghiari that no one has ever seen. Vasari’s fresco has a war battle and on the green flag a soldier is carrying is a hidden clue painted, “cerca trova,” which means, “seek and you shall find.” Not many people know about it. When we couldn’t find the painting, we asked one of the workers and he gave us a personal tour and orientation on the story behind it. He seemed delighted that we knew the secret of the painting and was elated to share the story. I’ve wanted to see this painting for over a year now and it was surreal to actually be standing in front of it a year after seeing the story on 60 minutes. If they ever uncover it, I will definitely fly to Florence again to see the Leonardo mural. We then went and saw the David statue. It was pretty impressive as well. It was about 5 times bigger than I thought it would be. I don’t know what it is about priceless art, but I always want to smash it. I looked up David with a vandals eyes. I was staring at the crown jewel of my wicked desires. One day David, me, you, Wyatt and Chris Ganz have a date with a few crowbars.

Florence is considered an art city, but I would actually consider it an art city filled with greasy long haired men and dousche bag merchants. I’ve become somewhat sick of all the dirtball shitheads selling counterfiet products on the street corners or those who, “want to talk to you for a second.” I know they’re just people trying to make a buck, but so many of them are just scammers who literally follow you around and don’t leave you alone until you threaten them. They are Europe’s equivalent of an American car salesman minus the cheap suit and a lot smellier. Florence was also my first experience really seeing Italian woman. I guess after Paris, Spain and Prague, I should’ve expected to be let down at least once. The women here dress very 80s big soap opera hair and wear gaudy outfits and accessories. It reminds me of my sisters and mother so take my descriptions of them with a grain of salt

Tara and I celebrated Christmas Eve Eve getting drunk on wine, calling family and opening presents. I bought her a mini fake Christmas tree with lights after 3 hours of running around Florence looking for a real one. I ended Christmas Eve Eve sitting on the balcony of the hotel listening to Lou Reed’s, “Dirty Blvd,” as I overlooked the river and bridges. Florence was very relaxing. I’m not sure if I was having Venice withdrawals or it just wasn’t my city, but something felt missing from Florence the whole time I was here. I definitely had fun, but Florence felt like a really expensive date that didn’t get me laid.

I'm giddy giddy goo for Rome....

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