The Motherland Part 1

My Sweet Motherland

After the buttfuck that was Croatia, we had arrived in the motherland. For months in advance I had planned on kissing the ground of Italy once I stepped foot on it. My plan was instantly foiled when I arrived in Venice. I had two choices, kiss the train floor which was sure to be riddled with all the hepatitis’s, stds, pigeon shit and urine. I soon discovered that my only other option was to stick my face in the water, because there was absolutely no ground really to kiss. I opted to kiss Tara on the face instead. Even though she descends from the filthy and genetically inferior race, known as the Irish, but I still love her despite her ethnic disposition.

The most important word to know in the motherland is Mi Scuzzi, which means Excuse Me. It’s a fun word to say over and over, but it must be said loudly, in a stereo typical Italian accent and very sleazy. It’s almost like a get out of jail for being an asshole or pervert card.

From now and until the time I leave motherland, I will only refer to Italy as the motherland. From now on, that’s what it is, was and always will be. Out of the entire trip that has been the last two months, the country I wanted to see the most was the motherland. My family is from Parma, motherland and I am reluctant to say that my Tatko name is Polish, but don’t tell anyone I’m a dirty Pollock.

I will punch anyone in the face who uses the phrase, “started with a bang,” unless it truly beats the explosion of heart, soul and mind that I went through upon first sight of Venice. I can’t tell you what it’s like properly. There was just so much to see, hear and smell that I felt overwhelmed in so many parts of me. I had the smile of a child, an adult and an old person wrapped in one. The best way to compare the feeling is to that of a first encounter with a woman. Though she may be hot, she may only be skin deep and you don’t get much out of her but a good stiff one. Or you may meet another woman, who is also sexy, but she’s also laced in beauty, full of life, experience, class and she can teach you a few things about life and yourself that you’ve never experienced before. The second woman I describe, that’s Venice.

Tara and I took a water Taxi to our hotel as the sun came up. I feel assured that I will never see a better sunrise for quite some time, if ever at all. I had yet to truly experience the city for anything other than the 30 minutes but I felt like I could honestly say that it was the most romantic city I have been in to date. If there were ever a case to be made to worry about global warming, I’d say it should be titled, “Polar Bears and Venice The Dangers of Global Warming.” Then of course I could also write an article called, “Florida and Texas, Adios Bitches,” in support of global warming, so I feel I can’t be impartial on the subject.

Venice is built to impress you in every way. The buildings, homes, hotels and what not, all seem like they’re a stone’s throw away from toppling over, but they seem sturdy as hell and the old school, world war 2 damage style gave me a feeling of what Venice has been through over the ages. I couldn’t go more than 10 minutes walking without jumping on the sidewalk or planting down both feet and rocking back and forth thinking I could break or shake Venice to it’s core. Almost everyone here is a tourist, but the town is very accepting of the fact that it runs and thrives off tourism, so the inhabitants don’t treat us all like the assholes we are. The water in Venice is surprisingly clean. I mean, it’s blue and rarely did I see garbage in the water. It’s a big no no to pollute. I would see garbage on the pathways and sidewalks but never in the water. Graffiti was very popular and I swear I only saw two police officers the whole trip. We could find no bars anywhere, but there were plenty of cafes and restaurants. There really isn’t much to do in Venice except eat, drink and screw. I was pretty much in heaven.

We figured since we saw the sun come up in Venice, it would be stupid not to watch it set, so we headed off to watch and then go eat dinner after our sunset stroll. I ate a ton of new things in the motherland. I tried lasagna for the first time. It came smothered in meat sauce and no tomatoes.. The motherland rules because dinner is a 4 course meal with cheap wine that is as delicious as the expensive shit. I didn’t drink a beer my entire stay in Venice. All the food comes smothered in butter, salt and wine and if you play your cards right, you can get it covered in meat also. You start at 9pm and dinner usually takes around 3 hours. We showed up for dinner the first night at 7pm and wondered if the restaurant we were in was shit because no one was there, by 9pm it was so busy we couldn’t even get our waiter to notice us, even when I burnt the hair off my arm reaching over a candle for the salt and it smelt like a dead horse. That night we bought a rose for an old lady and bought a bottle of wine for hotel. On the trip through out Europe I have mastered the technique of cupping a freshly laid fart into the palm of my hand, carrying to a victim’s nose and releasing the stank. This process is known as, “buttercupping,” or “the butter cup.” Unlike most kung fu disciplines, I share the skill and knowledge of the butter cup with all, but be warned, never buttercup your girlfriend while she’s drinking red wine out of a cup on expensive hotel bed sheets. You will be paying for new sheets in the morning because the old ones are stained in red wine.

One thing I’ll never get used to seeing, except in Alabama, is witnessing a grandmother and her 15 year old granddaughter light up smokes together after a meal. I still can’t swear or put my elbows on the dinner table while I eat around my grandma and here I was watching them smoke together. There have been so many different customs and culture differences to experience and appreciate on this trip.

I’ve only been in the motherland three days, but I’m getting a sense that the motherland does everything right. Venice was better than I imagined. I’ve seen movies like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade which had bits and pieces of Venice, but nothing can really capture the city like yer own two peepers. From the candy cane striped poles to the gondola rides, you just can’t understand how great Venice is and how much a place can affect your life. Start saving your money and get your ass there. Venice made me feel like I was in an exclusive social club of people who can’t help but think that we’re better than everyone else because we’ve been to this secret place that not many have experienced. Venice will make you feel that way when you leave her. She’s like a perfect woman who you’ve spent three days making love to and left you only note leaned against an empty bottle of wine by your bedside in the morning.

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