Wrangling with French bureaucracy

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Everyone’s got their stories about wading through bureaucratic labyrinths. It seems it’s just a fact in most any culture. But somehow the French have become the masters of red tape and knot-tying. The number of times I’ve heard “ce n’est pas possible - it’s not possible” from the other side of a counter is enough to make even the most seasoned administrator cringe. My experience today at the LMDE office (for student health insurance) illustrates the point perfectly.

I arrived in France one year ago and became a member of the LMDE when I registered for school. As a matter of convenience, each adherent to the French social security system (nationalized healthcare) is issued a social security number and a “carte Vitale” (a computerized ID card) to facilitate payment and reimbursement for healthcare services. Needless to say, it’s been a year and I still don’t have my carte Vitale. But still, not a problem.

Things got a little more interesting a few months ago when I tried to give my banking information to the LMDE so that my reimbursements could be deposited directly into my bank account (which is actually a dual account with Celine). The official paper I had to give from the bank, however, only shows my last name and Celine’s last name. The bank told me “ce n’est pas possible” that both our first and last names appear on the document. “There’s no room”, they said after trying to change the information a dozen times. So when I gave this paper to the LMDE they gave it back to me and said (here it is again) “ce n’est pas possible!” They insisted that both the first and last names must appear. So now I had two problems to work out for today.

But here’s the kicker: when I FINALLY got my permanent social security number from the social security administration (not yet the carte Vitale), the number showed that I was, in fact, a WOMAN!!! That’s right, the French government had given me an official sex change! SS numbers that start with a 1 are for men, and mine began with a 2, meaning that I indeed belonged to the fairer sex. So that was bone number three I had to pick with the LMDE today.


After waiting in the “line” for a good hour today, my turn finally came. I was called forward by a brightly dressed man from Martinique (French territory in the Caribbean) who, like most French administrators, doesn't seem too happy with his job. I decided to start with the simple question first:


Zehbuddha: “Hello sir, I joined the LMDE a year ago and I still don’t have a carte Vitale. Can you please tell me what the problem is?”

Mr. LMDE (a little agitated with a slight Martiniquais accent) : “Sure, sure. What’s your social security number?”


-Ouch. I had it all planned out, and he threw me a curveball.—


Zehbuddha: “Actually sir, that’s another problem. You see, my social security number has an error in it.”

Mr. LMDE (confused): “Ce n’est pas possible! How can there be an error?”

Zehbuddha: “Uhh, you see, my number starts with a two and, quite frankly, it should start with a one! I am a man, afterall!”

Mr. LMDE (now amused): “Now that’s interesting! Well, you have two solutions. One is very simple: You keep your current number and stay a woman. I don’t think this would pose any administrative problem for you.” (He explained that bit with a surprisingly straight face.) “The second solution is to start everything over again, in which case you have to come back tomorrow with all the proper documentation.”

Zehbuddha: “I think I prefer the second option, to tell you the truth. But does this mean I won’t be receiving my carte Vital anytime soon?”

Mr. LMDE (considerably less amused): “Yes.”

Zehbuddha: “Oookay…but I still have another question.”


-I showed him my paper from the bank and explained that there was no way to include both my first and last name. Would I still be able to have my bank account information attributed to my new account? Now he was visibly growing tired of me.—


Mr. LMDE: “Non, ce n’est pas possible!” (This phrase just keeps coming back!) “You see, this is not your bank account. This is your parents’ bank account. We cannot put money into a bank account that is not yours!”

Zehbuddha: “Excuse me? My parents have never even been to France! How could they have a bank account here and why would I want you to deposit my money into it if they did? What’s more, how would Celine’s name be on there?”

Mr. LMDE: “No. I don’t accept this. You must come back tomorrow to redo your account and you must bring your bank information.”


So, after all that, I accomplished absolutely nothing today. Good thing I don’t have a job nor any classes (yet) so I didn’t have to take a day off for this. Tomorrow I will head back again with proof that Celine is in fact MY conjointe and that I am in fact a man, despite what the French government says.




*** In spite of all this, I still fervently believe in the French national healthcare system. Though it has its bureaucratic snafus, I still receive top-rate healthcare and, compared to any other country I’ve lived in, run much less risk of falling through the cracks at the doctor’s/hospital itself or being pushed out on the street should disaster strike. I have spent much more money and spent longer hours waiting for care in the US than I ever have in France. ***

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