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The last two days have been quite strange. I said a very sad goodbye to my students on Wednesday. I am still going to school for a month though. I hang out in the lounge or clean my classroom, which is so quiet now.
It was very difficult to say goodbye to my students. They have taught me so much this year. There was a lot of crying, some of it was on my part. They kept asking me if I could be their teacher next year and if I was at least going to stay next year so that they could see me. Well, that was Wednesday and my answer then was yes of course I am going to stay. I feel bad for saying that, as now I am going to have to take that back.
Early Thursday morning at 2:30, there was an earthquake. I was lying in bed and it woke me out of a dead sleep. I felt the bed shaking and I immediately asked Doniel what he was doing. I was more confused than anything. He was apparently just as confused. We realized that it was one of us shaking the bed, we then realized that the bathroom door was shaking. I just remember him saying that earthquakes are unheard of in Honduras, that it had to be something else. Understandable, considering just a few hours before, there was a very bad storm out and there was an explosion down the street. The earthquake measured in at 7.1, the worst hit was Roatan. I am still worried about Leigh Anne. Her and her family are in Roatan. I have tried to text her, but haven't got a response yet. I am sure she is fine, but it still leaves me a little concerned.
Yesterday Doniel and I had somewhat of an argument. You would think as a writer, he would be better with words. Sometimes when he says things, I don't think he realizes how harsh they sound. He came into my class, where I was doing grades and listening to music. His first question was what were my plans for the fall. The thing is that him and I have had this same conversation countless times, with no end result. He doesn't want to stay here and I thought I did. While he was gone in the States for a week, I really had time to think about things. Comayagua just isn't the same without him. I am sure that I would have a great time next year, but it wouldn't be the same. I have spent the last six months getting to know him and this city both. One without the other just doesn't feel right. The truth is, I want to be where he is, which is very difficult for me to admit.
I was trying to answer his questions, but didn't quite know how. It ended up becoming an argument, with not the nicest words used on his part. Not that he meant to sound cold, he just did. We talked about everything last night and got it all out in the open. We both decided we wanted to be together and continue to build on our relationship. I don't want to have any regrets in life and I know that I just allow things to end this way, I could look back and wonder what could have happened.
My decision to leave (yet again), was cemented today though. I was standing in the Baleada shop, the place that I am every single day, when I heard the first shot. There were quite a few people in the shop and we were all looking at one another, wondering if we heard right. That's when the second shot was fired. The were men in a car shooting across the street and then all around the streets. I got on the ground with everyone and the people outside were running and screaming. I remember seeing a woman running with her young child. The woman was running so fast that she was practically dragging the 3 year old down the street. As the shots were being fired, I was trying to breathe. I have been scared in my life, of course, but nothing like this. I realized that there was really no where to hide from bullets. So many things were going through my head. I kept wondering if everyone was okay, if they were going to come in and shoot us and I wondered if everyone else's heart was banging against their chest as hard as mine was. Maybe they weren't shooting at me, but I couldn't help but think about how many people are killed by stray bullets. They were firing into the streets just because and what's to say they wouldn't shoot at me and the people around me. I was terrified. It shook me to the absolute core.
Maybe I am being hasty with my decision to leave. Maybe it's not the right decision. But I really think it is. Today, the one spot that I go every morning, feeling completely safe, was taken from me. I will never forget the sound of my own heart pounding, it felt as though it was in my ears. Feeling the cement on my face as I lay there praying it would end quickly. I will never forget getting up off the floor and seeing the bullet holes. These are things that I will never be able to erase from my memory. I understand that these things can happen anywhere and at any time. But it would be foolish of me to think that it won't happen to me again. It may, it may not. I know that I can't stay here now. It is not safe, I never pretended to believe that it was. What I didn't see happening was me laying on the floor, praying that the bullets don't hit me.
To be honest, I feel like a coward leaving like this. But, I just can't stay now. I hope that people won't think of me as being a coward for being scared of what happened today. But, even they do, I would ask them to change positions with me. I came here for an experience and I got so much more. I met wonderful people, a wonderful guy and the most amazing kids. I have gained more from this experience than I ever thought possible, this is why I feel okay in leaving. I am leaving in less than a month for Canada and then who knows. Doniel and I are planning on going on together. I am now thinking Bali. It sounds so pretty and much more peaceful.
I truly love Honduras and it will always have a piece of my heart. I wish I could just suck it up and stay, but I feel like I am losing way more by staying than by going. So, once again I have changed my mind. Although, I really feel like I am leaving for all of the right reasons and that makes it all okay.
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swills82
Sarah Willett
Scary.
Wow. That is crazy to hear. I totally know what corner and what baleada stand. Did they ever figure out WHY? I am so sorry to hear that you are heading home but to live in fear would be unfair. I understand your position. Unfortunately, this is the life that some are surrounded by daily. Sadly, my love is one of them and I must return to be with him. I wish you nothing but luck in your future and pray for safety in mine.