Planet of Death

http://planet-of-death.com It’s hard to track down much religion in China, apart from Islam and Tibetan Buddhism, both of which are quite conspicuous, one mercifully the other mercilessly. A lot of Chinese claim to be Buddhist (but certainly not the Tibetan type); almost all of them are Taoist to some extent or other, regardless of whether they know it or admit it and there are is a disturbingly growing number of Christians of the worst conceivable type. (Self-pitying, misanthropic, pledge wavers, fresh out of Major Barbara, almost invariably overweight and even more badly dressed that the norm. Slight wonder the spouse took to drink and ran off to Tibet.) They have Amway too these days; the march of history. Perhaps the two could be related? Correct me if I am wrong, if you like - facts are ... read more

http://PLANET-OF-DEATH.com Or rather The Books They Don't Want to Give Me an Advance to Write. Gappers When I started University in 1982 the gap year didn’t even exist as a concept. A very few students, usually English, usually wealthy took ‘a year off’ before university to go ‘travelling’. Since then, the gap year has become de rigour with more that 30,000 students taking a gap-year from England alone. These have been joined by ‘golden gappers’ who seem to be taking a year off before retirement (whatever that may mean); people talking a year off work; students taking a year off after university; those having a year off before or after national service (mainly Israelis). They come from every English speaking country in the world, from Brazil, from Korea and Japan, from Russia and from all over ... read more

http://PLANET-OF-DEATH.com So, I cracked open the day with two cups of coffee and last night’s football snowfest, had a spliff and half a can of frozen Carlsberg for brunch, and stepped out into the street to - well, to get away from the maid, who calls on Sundays for obscure reasons - but mainly to find some bloody place in this dump where I can get any work done. The house is a typical Vietnamese tower of five identical floors stuck on top of each other, with and office style ceramic fire escape effect staircase connecting them. It’s the kind of building that can be converted into a prison, more or less overnight. The roof is baking most of the time and no work gets done up there really. But a substantial amount of getting stoned ... read more

http://PLANET-OF-DEATH.com A backpacker visited a Zen master to have a cup of tea. While the tourist was drinking the tea, the master was subjected to some questions about Zen. “Master, what is Zen? “Master, why is Zen? “Master, can I have some milk for my tea?” “Master, is Zen Zen?” The Master got up and started fiddling with the visitors pack. From within his robes the Master produced an uncommon cornucopia of unremarkable objects: incense sticks, little bundles of silk chillis, a luminous plastic buddha, a frog and a coin, a portrait of Mao, a cigarette lighter in the shape of a Glock, acrylic nails, a Hello Kitty dangly thing for a mobile phone, some squid jerky, a reversing alarm that plays Jingle Bells, firecrackers, a Ba Gua mirror, hundreds of overpriced packets of damp tissues, ... read more

http://PLANET-OF-DEATH.com It is already the wrong journey; wrong in more ways than one. Despite ‘5,000 years of history’, and despite my having paid for a whole university degree through its practice, my strong feeling is that Feng Shui, and everything that goes along with it, is a load of old baloney. My intuition is that the Ba Gua is a nonsensical symbol with a certain amount of seductive mathematical grace about it. Obviously certain mystical practices have uses, but most of them don’t. Doubtless it is a jolly good thing for people to gather in temples and sing together. No doubt some songs do them more good than others. There is no uncertainty that for a great many people, sitting in a room with friends and neighbours, being assailed about sin by a supposedly celibate pedophile ... read more

http://PLANET-OF-DEATH.com I am not a journalist. I have the greatest difficulty in actually talking to people, or at least in leading the conversation. I’m a factionalist, or maybe something Gonzo: as near as I can gather, ‘Gonzo’ means ‘all about me, really’. I have managed to set up the computer so I can watch a DVD in the top half of the screen whilst typing in the bottom. I am watching the opening of Apocalypse Now. Regardless of what you might think of the rest of the film the opening sequence is beyond excellent. “Saigon… shit…” I’m off to Saigon for New Year actually… shit… I lived there in 2001… shit. “Everyone gets everything he wants,” says Martin Sheen. If you are there at the time, could you make sure they write that on my gravestone? ... read more

http://PLANET-OF-DEATH.com It took about thirty seconds for this dog not to like me and for me not to like him. There seem to be a lot of Golden Retrievers in this country and he is one from the dark side. I don’t like the golden Golden Retrievers, I like the light ones. And there is something wrong with his face. He’s got some Chow in him, I’m sure. Or at least his mother did. Or his grandmother. Golden Retrievers are generally a Man’s Dog. Men and children. And he is no different, but he is a rebel without a man. He sussed me out straight away, just as I sussed him. He knows that I will expect him to behave like a dog and I knew that he is a pathetic whore. He cruises around this ... read more

http://PLANET-OF-DEATH.com The trouble with travelling in China is that the Chinese have no idea what it is all about. I’m on their side. I have no idea either. I hate the word ‘travelling’. I hate it when people ask me how long I have been ‘travelling’. I hate it when people call me a traveler. I am not a traveler, I am just a bloke who doesn’t seem to stay in one place for very long; I’m homeless, not a bloody traveler. ‘Travelling’ as near as I can ascertain, is a temporary hobby for the over-moneyed fruits of Western (and now to some extent Korean and Japanese) capitalism often with the declared objectives of ‘seeing’ or ‘doing’, although the real purpose is the same as that of all leisure activities: the alleviation of boredom, the filling ... read more

http://PLANET-OF-DEATH.com The trouble with autobiography is that it goes like this. “I got up this morning and turned on my computer to start writing my autobiography. The first sentence I wrote was ‘I got up this morning and turned on my computer to start writing my autobiography’. The second sentence I wrote was ‘The first sentence I wrote was ‘I got up this morning and turned on my computer to start writing my autobiography’.’. I believe the Marquis of Bath has attempted such a chronicle. I can’t imagine it is too dreadfully interesting. I further believe that Bertie Russel might have proved why autobiography is fake. I need a Boswell. It’s hard to be your own Boswell. China is a bit like that. It flows constantly. It is like standing in front of a two foot ... read more