Last night, we thought we would pop into Port Douglas for a couple of tinnies and maybe some Cane Toad Racing. We strolled down to the beach and took a couple of pictures of the mangroves and metallic starlings, then popped into Ironbar for a drink and something to eat. The place was in an uproar. I thought it was a football match or something, but no, fortunately for us, it was Cane Toad Racing night. Running that night were Jerry Springer, Fat Bastard, Gay Freddie, Pigeon Toad, Shagging Camel Toad and Aussie, Aussie, Aussie. The favourite was Fat Bastard. Not entirely sure of the rules, but you had to bid to be toad-jockey first. Then, once you had your mount, you had to kiss it (I understand Cane Toads are toxic) and then, on starters ... read more

And so, here we are, deep in the beaudiful World Hewitage twopical wainforest of Daintwee situated in Far North Queensland Austwarlia. I am cuwwently sitting 45 metres below the twopical canopy, suwwounded by dense jangew cweepers , vines and cweepy cwarlies . . . (Scuse me?) . . . there is just such incwedible biodiversity here. The Daintwee wainforest contains 30% of fwog, (Scuse me? SCUSE ME? Look, if you’re thinking of doing the whole blog in a poor David Bellamy impersonation you can think again. After yesterday’s Jeau Coostarde fiasco, no-one will read it) Weally? (Really. Rrrr, rrr, rrrealy). Oh! So I’m going to be doing this one and it’s none negotiable. You say nothing and stay within the brackets. (Silence). Good . . . . and so: Here we are, deep in the beautiful ... read more

Strewth mate ! (Hang on, hang on. How long is this going to go on for? You’re going to be in Australia for another two and a half weeks and it’s already getting tedious). Silence. (Well?) Silence. (Look at me when I’m talking to you!). OK. OK. Well, we were supposed to go ballooning over the rainforest today but it got cancelled due to the unsettled weather. So, for a consolation prize, we booked a helicopter flight over the rainforest and reef (tee hee). And what an amazing experience that was. Our own private helicopter, just me, Moi and Nick (the pilot). The helicopter took off from the hotel, flew along the coast, then along into the rainforest. We followed the contours of a few mountains covered in dense tropical rainforest, then out to the sea ... read more

Strewth cobber – we’ve only gone and landed in bladdy Austrarlia !! And I'll tell you something else mate, it’s as warm and as humid as a lizard’s backside, no worries. Today we are half way through the trip and we’ve left Asia - Oz is a whole brand new continent. What’s more, I can understand the bladdy natives. Weird. Anyway, we crossed the bladdy equator yesterday. No fuss, no certificate, no champagne corks popping, no letter from the Queen, nothing. The equator itself was a like a big bladdy black line, say five or ten miles wide, stretching as far as the eye could see from horizon to horizon. Like a big bladdy 28,000 mile long zipper. I imagine that somewhere on the planet, there’s a huge zip fastener they can pull whenever they need ... read more

Last day in Thailand (sniff). A quick word about the language. They have this sound ‘ka’ ( pronounce ‘car’ ) which is said by females, with the male equivalent being ‘krap’ (pronounce ‘crap’). If you put it at the end of sentences, it makes it polite. So, “thanks” is “cap coon”. “Thank you”, polite version, is “cap coon ka” for women, and “cap coon krap” for men. It becomes a bit of a ubiquitous sound you hear everywhere, especially in the lilting way the local Thai people say it (bit whiny to our hardened, guttural Western ears). I’ve not come across a language before where you have the same phrase that is different according to whether you are male or female. (I wonder what ladyboys say?). Anyway, as you may have gathered, we’ve had a great ... read more