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Published: August 9th 2007
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Theres somthing that I need to get off my chest and it's not the hair that Kym is so desperate for me to wax. It was year 11 camp, Outdoor Ed. There was a 15km hike through the Grampian's National Park following by camping at night and then a bus ride back to town the following day. Being the health concious kid I was, I decided rather than eat all the chips and chocolates that all the other kids were taking on the journey I was going to take some dried apricots. 2kgs of them. Truth be known its all my 1 dollar 20 cents was going to buy me. At camp that night by the fire I felt somthing I'd never felt before. I can liken it only to the movie Alien were that thing busts out of Sigourney Weavers chest except that this thing had no intention of busting out of my sternum. I tried sitting there as normal hoping that the rumbling of my stomach might be confused for a bulldozer that someone had managed to smuggle in their tent. But it got worse. It started as little farts but even thinking of farting sent budgies falling from
The Spew Bus
all 18 hours of it the trees.
The bus ride to town the next day was even worse. Not wanting to embarress myself I had no choice but to silently squeeze them out and leave the others on the bus with their heads out the windows like Doberman's gasping for air. I was possessed by 2kgs of dried apricots. That day the 'Phantom Farter' was born amongst my school friends and his identity lay secret until now. For I am the Phantom Farter.
I feel like a giant weights been lifted off my shoulders and now i can continue.
After our slow boat experience we decided to take the bus from Huay Xai back to Luang Prabang. How bad could it be. Well aside from the fact that the 10 hour trip took 18 hours, the trip was memorable for the plastic bags they handed out upon getting on. Thinking they were for rubbish we filled ours with our empty water bottles and chip packets. The locals had other ideas and started a game of vomiting as loud as they could in 20 minute intervals throughout the entire journey.
Our plan was to spend a day in Luang Prabang and then make our way to
the mythical 'Plain Of Jars' and then bus our way towards the border. It seemed however destiny that the ATM was closed and we were moneyless and unable to get a ticket out for the following day. So what do we do? Fuck it I say, lets fly to Nam.
The difference between stepping out of Laos and then arriving in Vietnam is like smelling a Rose and then somone ripping it away from you and smearing dogshit in your face. Well its not that bad but its close. Although Vietnam has its own charm, its a world away from the country that it borders. The Laotians are fair, relaxed and gentle people were as, to risk generalising, the Vietnamesse are always out to take you for a ride. Their country is beautiful. Crazy as ever but very beautiful.
Flying in to Hanoi airport to see a PMT airlines plane taking off made our day. Definetly no asking for milk with your coffee on there. 'Do you know how many hours i've worked this week, do you have any idea how hot this uniform is you chauvenist pig, get your own fucking milk'
From Hanoi we booked ourelves into a
little 3 day trip to Halong bay that turned out to be quite a weekend. Despite paying for it our ships captain refused to let us have air conditioning, stole two of the passengers sunglasses and then upon arriving in Cat ba, 4 of the guys who were booked in to air conditioned rooms were told they had to sleep in tents on the beach. Shambles. If it wasnt for the amazing bunch of people we had on the trip, it would have been an absolute dissaster (you know who you are). Instead it was hilarious as we played cards, drank our body weight in Sangria, enjoyed the sunset on the deck and argued until we got our air conditioning turned on. The highlight of Halong bay as absurd as this sounds was the engenuity of the Vietnamesse who installed the urinals in a bars toilet. One of the boys was doing his business in the pee trough and then noticed a stream of water flowing passed his shoes. He had a peek under the urinal to notice the pipe underneath was non existent and all the urine was just dripping onto the ground and then behind him where there
Team Hanoi
Love your work kids was a drain on the floor. Brilliant.
Following this we decided to spend a few more days in Hanoi, giving it another chance to grab us by the balls. Then we found Beer Hoi. Beer bars were beer costs 15 aussie cents a glass. Thats right. We've found a place were beer is not only cheaper than water but also the panadol tablets you'll need the following morning. Yes the beer tastes like piss but for 15 cents a glass nobody seems to mind. We spent 2 days here then jumped on the bus to Hoi an.
On the way we got coaxed into stopping in the Demitilitairised Zone were a lot of the Vietnam war took place. We did a motorbike tour and were guided through the area to such places as an old army barracks, bunkers, tunnel networks used by Charlie, tanks and old mortars, the border crossing over the river Ben Hai and a mass cemetary. It was a weird feeling standing in a place were such history had taken place.
Then, it was what i'd been dreading the most. A place were women lose their mind and make clothes until VISA is calling them us to
Stealing the Cyclo
Perhaps a little inhibriated let them know they've exceeded their yearly limit. Kym, god love her, can be indecisive at the best of times and her taste in clothes has always been questionable. Being the loving partner I am i gave her free roam and told her to buy whatever she NEEDS. After 6 days and 15 pieces later Kym has decided she only likes 1 of them.
I on the other hand made two mistakes. 1 go to the gayest tailor in town and 2 due to all our clothes being laundered, head to the tailor commando. I decide on a few suits and as im getting measured up in the backroom im asked if im wearing any underwear. I hesitated with a 'no' to which his eyes lit up, hand over the mouth with the gayest "oh my god" you've ever heard. Now im no homophobe but my eyebrows were raised when he followed that with "your making it very hard for me"! Im standing there in shock as he's on his knees at my crouch level 'measuring me up'. Im pretty sure there's gay porn out there that starts like that. He then corrects himself by saying "yes, your making
And
the award for best attempt at an artistic photo goes to .....
it very hard for me to get right measurement. Well thank christ for that.
I know this is long but in an exciting twist Kym and I have been offered some sweet ass jobs in Hong Kong effective in 2 weeks. Kym is sous chef at Malouf's and I will eventually be Operations Manager for 5 businesses including Cecconis, Maloufs and a few others. Huge commitment and lots of hard work ahead but exciting times. So anyone out there looking for work in HK look our ass up. If I dont answer the phone anymore with Waaatttthhhuuupppppppppppp you'll understand why. Look out Hong Kong, were coming for ya
Booyah
A and K
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Dirty Cow
non-member comment
great story!
Hi you lovebirds!! How's life in Vietnam? Your story sounds fantastic! I really wonder where Kim comes home with from Hoi An (want pictures!!!)! So the plan is Hong Kong? Fantastic, will be great! If you stay there longer then a year I'll be there too, we can drink some buckets then!! Jeeh!! Well, enjoy! Lovely to have travelled with you guys for those two weeks! We keep in touch! Kiss Miek