10 days at a silent meditation retreat leads to . . . a really long blog entry

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This morning I was released from 10 days of voluntary silence and am now back out in the 'real world.' It feels strange to be here in a not entirely wonderful way, but I feel a renewed sense of peace and serenity which will hopefully serve me well as I get ready to head back home after being away for 7 and a half months. We strived to do everything mindfully (and therefore more slowly) at the retreat, the exact opposite of the way we usually live in the modern (western) world. I'm hoping that I will maintain the meditation practice after leaving here and not get too sucked back in to regular life to keep up the discipline. Not only was the retreat almost entirely silent for participants, but we also didn't have the distractions of any technology and were not supposed to read or write anything while we were on this retreat. One of the lay women that worked with us would repeatedly say that this was a "golden time" for us to learn about and/or enhance our practices. She would tell us to take advantage of it since in regular life it would be hard to follow these conditions without people thinking you are 'abnormal.' She was really right about that!

I really enjoyed this 'golden time.' It has been something that I've wanted to do for several years now, but just never made it happen. Of course I "sacrifced" travel time for it, but it was completely worth it. This very well-organized retreat is an extension of Wat Suan Mokkh (means "Garden of Liberation") in Chaiya, Thailand. (Website for more info: http://www.suanmokkh-idh.org). You don't have to be a Buddhist to go there, merely be interested in working on the development of clarity of mind. Though the information provided says it's good for beginners, I'm not sure if I'd recommend people who have never meditated at all to start off with a 10-day silent retreat. I think that this retreat is actually good for novices but not absolute beginners. I guess if you are more experienced, you can go to some of the even more intense retreats that consist of less dhamma talks and walking meditaiton and more and longer sessions of sitting meditation. It might be better to take some baby steps first to see how it goes. Fiona and I went to an overnight silent retreat with Wat Suan Dok in Chiang Mai back in July that was a nice introduction. The following link has some pictures and information from that retreat: http://monkchat.net/?name=gallery&file=gallery&galleryID=20

In order to help us live simply and to aid us in training our 'monkey minds' (beat them into submission if necessary, but with loving-kindess, of course 😊, we were required to try our best to follow these 8 precepts, which I took directly from the website and are listed below:

1. INTEND NOT TO TAKE AWAY ANY BREATH (ABSTAIN FROM KILLING)
This means EVERY living thing, no matter how odious, i.e. mosquitoes, ants, flies, spiders, millipedes, toads, etc., all of which were to be found in abundance. It was frowned upon to slap at mosquitoes, therefore, but you could *mindfully* brush insects off of you without smooshing them. Our orientation tour on the first day included instructions on removing scorpions from our rooms/path!

2. INTEND NOT TO TAKE AWAY WHAT IS NOT GIVEN (ABSTAIN FROM STEALING)
This one is pretty straightforward and not too difficult. I am not much of a thief, generally, but they also mentioned ways that a person could unintentionally take what is not given such as walking in someone else's intended walking meditation path or using someone else's soap without asking (and of course you can't ask during a silent meditation retreat).

3. INTEND TO KEEP ONE'S MIND AND ONE'S BODY FREE FROM ANY SEXUAL ACTIVITY
Also pretty straightforward but just to eliminate as much temptation as possible, men and women were segregated whenever possible. We had separate dorms (obviously), separate sides of the meditation hall, separate food lines, separate dining hall seating, separate hot springs, separate group meditation paths around different lakes, and usually separate chore areas. This was good actually, though I thought it a little strange at first. In the first few days I caught myself checking out the guys once in a while, but then I remembered that it wasn't a singles mixer and *mindfully* turned my thoughts back to the task at hand.

4. INTEND NOT TO HARM OTHERS BY SPEECH
Hence the silence, which makes it impossible to harm others by gossiping, lying, insulting, or arguing. The silence also helps eliminate distractions to mindfulness.

5. INTEND NOT TO HARM ONE'S CONSCIOUSNESS WITH SUBSTANCES THAT INTOXICATE AND LEAD TO CARELESSNESS (NO ALCOHOL, DRUGS, NO SMOKING, ETC.)
Might have been diffficult for any smokers in the group. I wonder if anyone snuck off to sneak a smoke during the 10 days? I enjoyed my detox time.

6. INTEND NOT TO EAT BETWEEN AFTER NOON AND BEFORE DAWN
This was probably one of my biggest concerns going in since I usually like to eat often and can get grumpy, irritable, weak, and headach-y if I go too long without eating. Same as everyone, I guess, but I sometimes think it hits me harder, or it might just be that I take it too far to the limit. As you can see from the schedule down below, we had breakfast at 8 AM (but got up at 4 AM!) and lunch at 12:30 PM. No solid food after that, though we did have 'tea time' at 6 PM, which was actually watery Milo time (a brand of hot chocolate that tastes more or less like Swiss Miss). I guess we were lucky, though, because the monks at this and many monasteries only eat 1 meal a day. I did have an emergency snack in my bag just in case, some raisin biscuits from the day before the retreat, but I never needed to resort to them.

7. INTEND NOT TO DANCE, SING, PLAY OR LISTEN TO MUSIC, WATCH SHOWS, WEAR GARLANDS, ORNAMENTS AND BEAUTIFY ONESELF WITH PERFUMES AND COSMETICS
There were no mirrors anywhere for "beautifying oneself" and the one I had broke back in Chonburi, so basically I didn't see myself in the mirror for the length of the retreat. That was kind of nice, actually, and I can see how it cuts down a lot on the ego-sense (which is one of the main goals). I must admit that there was a truck parked near where I did my chores and on the first 2 days I sneaked a peek in the side mirror when no one was looking, but after the 2nd day I lost the desire and gave it up. At registration, I turned in my phone, wallet, camera, and iPod, so I couldn't be tempted. I DIDN'T turn in my books, though, and I had only 50 pages left in Marley and Me. Again, I was tempted for the first 2 days, but after that the temptation subsided. The singing thing was also a little difficult for me because I usually like to sing a lot (in the shower, around the house, etc.). Regardless of the rules, I really couldn't get music out of my head- my mind is like a giant iPod on shuffle. I even had a soundtrack going based on what was happening. I'll include some of the songs that seemed to be on loop (sometimes maddeningly) inside my head.

8. INTEND NOT TO SLEEP OR SIT ON LUXURIOUS BEDS AND SEATS
This was handily taken care of. The beds in the dorms were concrete slabs with the thinnest piece of wood on top and a thin woven mat on top of that. We had a wooden pillow and one blanket. Yikes! I allowed myself the 'luxury' of using a thin cardigan as a pillow rather than the wooden pillow, though I usually tried to use it during nap time and and I think I successfully slept on it for 2 nights out of 11. As far as meditatation cushions went, the directions on the first day told us to take 'NO MORE THAN 2' cushions and I followed it to the letter, even as others were building up grand meditation thrones around me. My cushions were quite thin, though, and not entirely adequate. On the third day or so, I came to my meager cushions and found a surprise! There was a bigger cushion, another thin brown pillow, and one of the small wooden 'zen' benches. At first I thought someone had left their cushions in the wrong place, but there were 3 beautiful flowers on top of it, which became the nonverbal way of offering people gifts and/or thanks. I still have no idea who left me that gift, but it improved my situation and so I accepted it wholeheartedly.

In regular everyday life, Buddhist practitioners are supposed to try to follow the first 5 of the preceding precepts. The last 3 are just for the retreat setting, but I think that monks and nuns follow something like over 200 precepts!!

The following is the schedule that we followed throughout the retreat. Each day was pretty similar (with the exception of Day 9), the main variations concerned the dhamma talks and meditation instruction we received.

DAILY SCHEDULE

04.00 *** Wake up *** = Monastery bell
04.30 Morning Reading
04.45 Sitting meditation
05.15 Yoga / Exercise
07.00 *** Dhamma talk & Sitting meditation
08.00 Breakfast & Chores
10.00 *** Dhamma talk
11.00 Walking or standing meditation
11.45 *** Sitting meditation
12.30 Lunch & chores
14.30 *** Meditation instruction & Sitting meditation
15.30 Walking or standing meditation
16.15 *** Sitting meditation
17.00 *** Chanting & Loving Kindness meditation
18.00 Tea (Milo time!) & hot springs
19.30 *** Sitting meditation
20.00 Group walking meditation
20.30 *** Sitting meditation
21.00 *** Bedtime
(the gates will be closed at 21.15)
21.30 *** LIGHTS OUT

Yes, we really did wake up at 4 AM to the raucous clanging of bells:

"To the rolling of the bells-
Of the bells, bells, bells:
To the tolling of the bells,
Of the bells, bells, bells, bells-
Bells, bells, bells-
To the moaning and the groaning of the bells." ~Edgar Allan Poe (couldn't get that one out of my head for the first few days of waking to and being summoned back to the meditation hall by the bells)

I was really nervous that I wouldn't wake up the first morning, but I was awake before the bells started that morning and most of the others, AND the lady next to me broke the no alarm rule, AND when I heard the volume of those things and the length of time that they went on, I realized there was no real way to sleep through them! I was skeptical about the need for getting up so early, but I did come to see that your mind can be really clear at that time of day ("My time of day is the dark time-- a couple of hours before dawn" ~Sky Masterson in Guys and Dolls). I enjoyed the morning readings because they always seemed well chosen and apropos and sometimes included 'old friends,' like Pema Chodron, Chogyam Trungpa, and Thich Nhat Hanh. I did the reading on the 7th day. I was nervous for my voice to be amplified after not speaking for a week and I actually practiced my reading (in my head) about 3 times on the day before. It was really a good one for me, too, about practicing even when you don't feel like it and maintaining the discipline despite your mood.

There were three monks that worked with us, giving dhamma talks ('dhamma' in Pali language is the same as 'dharma' in Sanskrit, and refers to the Buddha's teachings), meditation instruction, and chanting. The abbot of the monastery, Ajaan Po, is a dear 77-year old man with thick glasses black-rimmed glasses. He would give the morning talk after yoga. I think he had a lot of good things to say, but he spoke so slowly and with such a thick accent that it was very difficult for me to understand him and more often than not I would find myself nodding off on my cushion, embarrassingly, since I was in the front row of meditators (I sat there purposefully so I couldn't slack off and so I could see the speakers better without my long-distance glasses). The other monks are "English monk," cleverly named so because he's originally from England, and "Chanting monk," who led us most nights in chanting in Pali, followed by the English translation of each verse. In Theravada Buddhism, the Buddha's teachings are preserved in the ancient Indian language, Pali. Therefore monks study Pali to be able to read the teachings in their original form. Chanting in Thailand usually seems to be done in Pali-- even at my school the children chanted in Pali in the mornings after they sang the national anthem (I always wondered how much they understood what they were chanting). During the Buddha's lifetime, chanting was not a part of his teaching, but after he died his disciples worried about preserving his wisdom and began chanting the texts as a way to ensure their preservation. Besides the monks, there were three lay people who gave us talks, directions, and led us in guided meditations on loving-kindess (one of my favorite times of the day besides chanting-- could be very powerful).

At the other retreat where Fiona and I went, we were required to wear all white. At this retreat we were allowed to wear whatever comfortable clothes that we wanted, as long as they covered our shoulders and knees. This did add a certain element of distraction but made us look a little less like Kool-Aid drinkers, if you know what I mean. Instead, I guess we probably looked a little bit like colorful zombies or super-drugged up psychiatric ward patients, especially during snail-pace walking meditation and meals. I didn't mind not talking for the most part and think I've been working up to this point with some very long, sometimes multi-day bus rides as the only English speaker. The hardest time of day for me, I think, was at meals because I always think of eating as a social time, but there we all were, eyes glued straight ahead or on our food. All you hear is the clink of metal spoon on metal bowl and your own chewing and swallowing (it sounded so loud, "Can everyone hear that as clearly as I can?", I'd wonder).

Before meals we would follow a leader in reciting the food reflection:

"With wise reflection/ I eat this food./ Not for play/ not for intoxication.
Not for fattening,/ not for beautification./ Only to maintain this body / to stay alive and healthy/
to support the spiritual (way of) life./ Thus I let go of unpleasant feelings/ and do not stir up new ones./ Thereby the process of life continues/ blameless, at ease, and in peace.

For the first meal I rushed my way to the dining hall and served up my food, only to remember that we had to wait for everyone to sit down and couldn't eat until after the reflection. Torture (on the first day, anyway)! So I learned not to rush up there quite so quickly. We ate the same rice soup every morning, which was rather bland, but not bad, and it was filling. Besides the soup, there would be greens cooked in miso, tiny bananas, and raw cabbage, morning glory, and other small-leafed greens. Lunch would have more variation, but would always have rice (mercifully heartier than white rice) and 2 different vegetarian dishes, usually one of which had tofu or mock chicken. For dessert there would either be oranges or some coconut milk delight (like bananas or tapioca or black sticky rice . . . mmmmmmm).

Within the first few days, everyone seemed to be pretty settled and people were moving much more slowly in everything. I noticed it in myself, too, especially in the way that it was much easier to sit still and let my thoughts go during meditation. Routines were established and followed for the rest of the days. My chore partner and I had an unspoken agreement where we would finish our chore of sweeping leaves next to the dining hall after breakfast so that we didn't have to do it after lunch. Inappropriately, every time we swept, I couldn't get "Tenacious D" out of my head ("That's f#ckin' teamwork!" ~Tenacious D).

After lunch I would usually wash some clothes and practice 'lying down meditation,' which really is a type of practice, but usually ended up being more like (ok, exactly like) a cat nap. After 'Milo time' in the evenings I would go to the hot spring for about 10 minutes to help my muscles and joints after a long day of sitting cross-legged on the cushion. Then I would take my bucket bath and bug spray myself up for the main bloodletting time of dusk. Once the Dalai Lama said that Mao Zedong was his greatest teacher because he taught him so much about suffering. On this meditation retreat, I'd have to say that the mosquito was my greatest teacher. The only personal interview I signed up for was solely to discuss the mosquito issue. I was told to practice loving-kindness toward the mosquito and that I was allowed to scratch my itches but only without irritation and annoyance. Difficult, indeed, since I would get at least 15 bites in an evening sitting, easily. The good news is: no malaria in the area. The bad news: dengue fever. One of the last things I heard before the silence began was that one time a bunch of participants came down with dengue and had to be taken to the hospital- not the coolest "right speech" just before 10 days of bug-chomping. Dengue mosquitoes get you in the daytime, though, so I wasn't so worried about that in the evening, at least.

In keeping with the simple life, I abandoned my flip flops as many others did, too, around the second or third day because it was just easier than taking them off and putting them back on all the time. There were foot baths outside of all of the buildings so you didn't have to worry about tracking dirt inside. I lost my flashlight somewhere in my travels and although they provided us with a candle lantern, the thing was so clunky that I didn't like to use it, so I usually just walked in the dark. On the fifth morning, as I walked to the meditation hall at about 4:30, I came right across a huge black scorpion right in my path. I was really thankful that I had been walking mindfully and didn't step on it in my bare feet. I gave the girl behind me a warning sign and continued down the path. After that I began to wear my flops again but only in the early morning and at night when it was dark.

I unintentionally broke the silence exactly 3 times (without being spoken to first, anyway. Some people started getting a little lax in the last few days and asked me questions or told me something to be helpful, like "your towel fell in the gutter"). The first time was when a "Sorry!" escaped my lips for almost opening the bathroom door on someone. The second was when I got out of bed one morning a sneaky black cat who must have come in through the bars in the window jumped down right in front of me. Huge intake of breath and, "You SCARED me!" was said to the cat. The third time was when a girl showed me two enormous lizards cuddling up on the wall of the bathroom stall she had just come out of. They were cool but I was a little flustered at the surprise and asked her if she had already gone in there before I went (didn't want to steal her turn). Anyway, I don't think I harmed anyone with my speech, so I think I still played by the rules!

This is my brief summary of some of the main teachings as I understand them, with the aid of the music that forbiddenly played inside my head during the retreat. Everything in this life changes and nothing is permanent-- not the 'good' nor the 'bad' ("But we're ALWAYS changing- it does not bother me to say . . ." ~Counting Crows). The things that happen to us, happen to us based on cause and condition, i.e. the conditions are right for our karma to come back around to us ("Karma karma karma karma karma chameleon/ You come and go/ You come and go-oh-oh-oh." ~Culture Club). We should work to be mindful in the present moment rather than dwelling in the past or planning and worrying too much about the future; this helps us cut through ignorance and cultivate wisdom ("There is no future, there is no past. I live this moment as my last" ~Mimi in Rent). The Buddha found the "Middle Way," meaning he gave up his life as a wealthy and pampered prince on one extreme, but also decided against life as an extreme ascetic, and therefore found a balance that eventually led to his enlightenment. We, too, should seek our own "middle way" in life to find the right balance, neither too loose or too tight in our meditation practice and lifestyle choices ("Not too hard, not too sooooofffft" ~Boyz II Men). With practice and patient endurance, we may find the way to liberate ourselves from the ego-sense and suffering that comes with attachments and grasping toward impermanent things. Then we will have attained nirvana (some sort of Nirvana medley would usually come to mind at the mention of the word, but usually would include this, which doesn't really add anything to the teachings, but there it is anyway: "Here we are now. Entertain us. Hello hello hello hehellll-o-o" ~Nirvana)

Things got better and better for me day by day but probably peaked on the 5th day. On that day I felt the most calm and able to focus my concentration. My heart was full and I even had a flash of insight. I thought that maybe 10 days wouldn't be long enough! I thought maybe I should become a nun! (Me! A nun! HA!) And then, like all other thoughts, that thought quickly left me . . . On the 6th day meditation didn't seem to be going as well, I was really irritated by mosquitoes and got bitten by fire ants during my chores, and I felt like the lay women were being a little heavy-handed on the morality issue during their talks (not appreciated). Was this my mind teaching me about impermanence? By the 7th and 8th days, things were smoother again. Around that time I remember thinking that sometimes I actually wanted more time of sitting meditation without other interruptions and I got my wish. On the evening of the 8th day, the schedule was posted for day 9. They were taking the training wheels off and giving us a big push. There would only be one meal that day (breakfast) and lunch would turn into another "Milo time." There would be no dhamma talks, meditation instruction, chanting, group walking meditation, or loving-kindness guided meditation. Just long stretches of meditation time. We were free to move around to different spots on the grounds as we wished (though it rained copious amounts that day, which somewhat limited the outdoor options). For some people this was the worst and hardest day, but I was glad for the chance to be a little freer of the bells.

I'd say that the retreat started off with over 60 participants, mostly foreigners from all over the world, and fairly equally divided between men and women. I think that at least 7 women dropped out along the way and at least 2 of the men did, as well. (I was less likely to notice when men went missing due to the segregation). It was a little demoralizing when people dropped out, but mostly I felt sad for them that they couldn't make it for whatever reason. It was also strange to know that we would never know what happened to them or why they decided to leave. Some dropped out within the first few days and some made it all the way to the 8th or 9th day and then left. The abbott expressed regrets a couple times about the people who had left. He would always refer to the money that was spent, too, that wouldn't be refunded and what a shame it was (We each paid 2,000 baht (a little under $60) for the retreat, so not really such a big deal for us- especially for food and lodging for 11 nights and 10 days). That always made me smile to myself for some reason.

On the 10th evening we had sharing time and though it was subdued, there was also an underlying energy there-- a collective sense of peace and perhaps relief that we had made it (together) to the end of the retreat, It's funny how you can feel really connected to people you haven't even spoken to, just because of a shared experience like this one. We had just under 2 hours for this, but honestly I could have listened to people all night and was disappointed when it was over. I don't think everyone that wanted to got a chance to talk. I wanted to hear as many of them as possible, especially since I knew I pretty much had to rush out the next day to get to Bangkok (in order to fly home the day after). I hadn't spoken to most of the people before the silence began and if they hadn't done a reading then you had never heard their voices. You could create any idea at all about the person from their clothes, walk, mannerisms, but be utterly and completely wrong about them. It was really neat to listen to and empathize with other people's experiences. During sharing, we found out that one couple was there ON THEIR HONEYMOON! and two women had celebrated their birthdays in silence, including one's 50th birthday! Wow!

Wat Suan Mokkh was begun by Tan Ajaan Buddhadasa, who died in 1993, but continues to be revered by many as a great teacher in Southern Thailand. Apparently he was a bit of a controversial character due to his criticism of the superstitions that had found their way into Thai Buddhism and which he felt did not have a place within Theravada. The following is directly from the Suan Mokkh website and tells the tale better than I am able to:

"Buddhadasa Bhikkhu founded Suan Mokkh after giving up on the monastic system in Bangkok. He found the Wats (temples) there dirty, crowded, and corrupt, nothing like the purer, more simple Buddhism of his birthplace. Thus, returned to the South and moved into an abandoned temple near his hometown. At first living alone, then with others as news of his experiment spread, he took a radical look into the sources of Theravada Buddhism and dedicated his life to following the pristine Dhamma and correcting the numerous mistaken beliefs and practices that had crept in over the centuries. Some hated him, others loved him. Why not see what he has to offer? See below for some of his teachings."

Towards the end of his life, in 1989, Ajaan Buddhadasa began the international retreats. Every month, participants come from around the world to participate in these retreats, and some people come back again and again, perhaps every year to this same place. I am grateful to Ajaan Buddhadasa for creating this lovely place for people to come. I am also grateful to the monks who worked with us and to the staff who kept it running smoothly.

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Photos

My humble 'cell'
That is the concrete slab bed with wooden pillow

Our "shower"
There were no private showers or showers at all. We took bucket showers and washed our clothing in buckets using water from these cisterns. As we weren't allowed to go naked or even in bathing suits either here or at the hot spring, we had to bathe wearing sarongs. That is an art form that I still have not mastered and never felt 100% clean, no matter how hard I tried. The Asian participants made it look relatively easy, but I assure you it is not so.

Anna and I in pose for the camera
Anna and I were in the TEFL program together in Ban Phe. When I arrived at Wat Suan Mokkh and signed in, I was surprised (but not too surprised) to see her name in the book. I hadn't seen her in months and was glad to have a friendly face at the retreat, even though we couldn't talk to each other after the first hour of reuniting until the 11th day!

View of one of the lakes
The lakes provided a nice space to walk around and also good fish-watching when you just needed to space out or watch something for a bit of entertainment

Group shot on Day 11
Khun Mike and Werner oh-so-kindly snapped this one with just about everyone's camera. Some of the expressions look a little pained because of that! It's funny how we could sit more or less patiently for 10 days and then be so tried by posing for this group shot. Ajaan Po and "Chanting Monk" sat stoically in the back throughout.

Comments

[Courtney]

Well done Laurie...though rewarding, I can tell this was a challenge as well. Loved reading about it, especially the music tracks throughout!

[Lisa]

Wow! That's amazing! I'm so glad you did that, and so glad you made it through. Hope you're keeping up with some of it in your busy life!

[Jean-Paul]

Lovely read - nice prep
Thanx for a lovely read. I've booked myself for a shorter (non-structured) silent mediation retreat and this made a lovely preparation. Loved your little insights and your light sense of humour.

[lkrhoads]

Thanks for your comment
Dear Jean-Paul, I hope your retreat was as refreshing as mine was! Happy New Year and thanks for your comment.

[ashea]

Just cleaning up some old computer stuff, and hadn't read this entry in its entirety...wow. I've always been interested in doing something like this, but never make the time, plus, I'm a little nervous! You really inspire me. Are you still in Boulder? Really hope you're doing well, and hope to see you sometime soon. Ashea