Blogs from Jammu & Kashmir, India, Asia

Hello readers!! There have been several alterations in my life and things around me since the last post. Like new job, new house and illness in the family. However, the entire credit of this go-slow goes to my laziness! :P What leads me back to writing (other than this creepy morning solitude) is the photos that Bhagesh Lokhande (the guardian angel to whom you would be introduced later) recently shared. And not to forget the constant reminders by Tejas, Anirudha and Leenali (she will be going to Darjeeling for a Himalayan trek soon!!) So where were we? Yes, Banti from Srinagar at the Titanic Point and his philosophy that made us ruminate over our own lives…. Now we were treading the bends of Kashmir Valley with the hope of finally reaching Srinagar – ‘the City (Nagar) ... read more

9:59pm There are certain situations in which only a cup of (decaffeinated) tea will do. This is one of them. I am sitting on my bed feeling strangely simultaneously lovely and sad. I’m so tired that there is no way that I can write a full diary entry, so putting to use the best summary skills that I can muster up at the moment here are the events which have led up to this tea-sipping, tear dripping end of day... 7:00am Got up Physical Energy: 100% Emotional Energy: 100% 8:00am Went to the orphanage for my goodbye breakfast with the kids. I took some photos, shook some hands, held back some tears and Rahim arrived at 9am to pick me up as planned. PE: 100% EE: 70% 9:00am Headed off on two hour trip Gulmarg with ... read more

Well, that’s it. My work here is done. My last day at the office today and in spite of my best efforts not to, I cried. I am definitely now on the rollercoaster. I’ve just got back from more beer and fish & chips at Grand Palace with Rahim, it’s 9:40pm and I’m sitting on my bed feeling emotionally bulldozed but strangely calm. I guess it’s because that’s one major hurdle done and I must be on brief straight section of the track before the ups and downs and the loop the loops that breakfast with the orphans tomorrow and the goodbyes at the airport the day after will undoubtedly bring. In spite of emotional turmoil, in many ways it was a lovely day. We started with a staff meeting in which I gave my feedback ... read more

This will be short today as I have just spent hours selecting, copying into a new document and checking through all the diary entries containing Rahim. Reading the through all the memories was exhausting on an emotional as well as mental level. I have decided that since he has refused my offer of a gift, this will make a fitting leaving present. On the first page I have typed: Rahim, For your eyes only! I wanted to give you this because you have been such a massive part of my time here in Kashmir and – as you will see when you read it – such a central character in my diary. It’s all the episodes which have something to do with you, or which I just thought you would find funny. ... read more

Why do I put myself through this shit? Why I have I chosen a career path that will constantly have me saying goodbye to people when I find saying goodbye so painfully hard? I’m sitting in Smokin’ Jo’s pizza place having just said goodbye to the children at the orphanage. I went across at midday to spend one last afternoon with them, a couple of DVDs for old time’s sake. I could feel that familiar sense of dread building in me as the end of the second movie crept closer, knowing that it would soon be time to say farewell to the thirty or so children who have been my motivation and inspiration during my time here in Srinagar. When, having packed up the laptop and projector, the time actually came, the impromptu speeches they made ... read more

Just a deep feeling of melancholy now, bordering on sadness. Or maybe it’s just sadness. My last Friday at the office. The last time I’ll hear the Friday lunchtime call to prayers. The last time I’ll cook chips for the office, something which had become a bit of a tradition. The last time I’ll head home with the lie-ins of the weekend to look forward to. Funny how, whilst you’re gritting your teeth to get through the winter and the curfews and the frustrations of the office, you don’t see your affection for the place and its people creeping into your blood. I finished the last piece of work on my Learning and Development Plan today: planning an interagency workshop on the Juvenile Justice Act with Rahim. My last official contribution to the well-being of children ... read more

And anotherfull circle. I swear I am not making this shit up. I’ve just come back from Grand Palace Hotel where Rahim and I decided to go for an impromptu beer and fish and chips. Of course, I shouldn’t really be drinking beer whilst taking the equivalent of an entire Boots pharmacy worth of medication, but I figured one would not do me any harm and, besides, my days with Rahim are limited (and it is what Elsie would have wanted). Anyway, who should we bump into in the hotel but Mr. I’ll-help-you-find-the-social-scene Nayad. The first time we met we went to the Grand Palace – him, Faris, his American friend, Rahim and myself – way back on that November Friday night when he made all those promises of friendship that he never fulfilled. ... read more

Another circle completed in full; went into the tailor’s today to check out my leather jacket and get some last adjustments made (it looks fucking hot!) and was just doing the final measurements when in walks Shazza, of Alan and Shazza. Apparently, although Alan has already headed to Delhi, she had her last day at work today (and after a year in post seemed understandably a little on the emotional side as a result). So another goodbye that I’d thought I had missed completed. What are the chances of bumping into both of them by chance before they left? Hello?! Cosmic forces! Anyway, as for the rest of today, lined up on my coffee table is the most staggering amount of medicines that I believe I have ever taken. Having visited the hospital this morning to ... read more

I know I’m supposed to write about the rest of the weekend in Delhi but I’ve had ¾ bottle of wine and the circles of life are suddenly so obvious to me that I have to talk about them. I invited Rahim round after work to watch Prison Break (= first circle of life, since today we watched the last one that I had on DVD – the final episode in series two – just a few days before I’m leaving without us ever planning it that way or having to stretch episodes out or squash them in to make it happen) and after dropping and smashing all over the (thankfully brown) carpet the first of three bottles of wine that I brought back from Delhi (fucking IDIOT!), we consumed another bottle and a half between ... read more

I think I have feelings for Qadir. I realised it when I walked out of Srinagar airport arrivals lounge and saw him there waiting for me. When he spotted me he jumped up and clapped his hands, his face beaming as he came over to greet me. Every time I saw him during my afternoon at the office I couldn’t help but feel a strange pang of physical and emotional lust and the weird thing was that he seemed to be reflecting it back to me; it seems that absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Just before I left the office I was in Sharada’s room sorting something out when Qadir reached forward and began to zip up my coat, a strange pins-and-needles feeling of arousal coursing through my loins as his ... read more