Marrakech, Essouria and Chefchouen: Pesky Pushers, Pirate Promenades, and Pot Prominent Peaks

Hello again my intredpid friends and welcome once more to the adventures of your favorite traveller, Lord Master Ian Michael.

I shall pick up where my story so hasitily finished, In Marrakech. Secretly just continuting the story right here is a bit of a stretch because I actually went back to Rabat, got food poisoning, said goodbye to my Desert compatriots and picked up a new group of peeps then went BACK to Marrakech. But such as it is i say just deal with it and imagine that the segue was much much cleaner. *Insert hypnotically swaying hand motions 'doodily doop doodily doop'*

~Marrakech

Now, as has been the case all along this trip the backpackers i met where better than the locals by far. On this trip i picked up two hot new sugar mommas to cavort with me around the country madame Nina and madame Carmen. Joining us on the trip for Marrakech was a particularly hillarious Turk called Mehmet. Hillarious for the situations he inspired quite accidentally. On frequent occasions the Arabs would speak Arabic to Mehmet, he (who speaks Turkish and English) would turn to Carmen (who speaks arabic) and ask in english for her to translate for him.

The looks on the Moroccans faces was absolutely priceless.

So i was totally in Marrakech! Fun city! No really i meant it! You should all go and spend a long period of time in Marrakech....okay i cant keep this up... the place is a hole. Marrakech is THAT place, the one that every country seems to have. The place that is simultaniously the most famous, the most expensive, the most visited and by far the most overrated.

Everywhere that you care to tread in morocco you will be hasselled by husters and faux guides, grabbed by the arm and led into a restaurant against your will etc. In Marrakech however it is 10 fold. This is the town where endless streams of cashed up brits fly in for the weekend on their 20 pound flights.

More-so then in any other part of the country, the sellers know that people arent staying for a long time, probably have loads of cash, have no idea how much everytihng will cost, and wll do their darndest to make the most of that financially. All well and good but i dont want to haggle for a coke i know the person is charging me way too much for. I just want to say.. i have been here for three weeks now... i know that coke is sold for 5 dirhams...not 18...please just take my five dirhams and stop whinging :-P. Actually word of advice, if you do know the ballpark figure for how much something is and suspect the person selling to you is a twit, it is actually an appropriate strategy to just leave the money on the counter and walk away. SPEAKING OF WHICH!!! IT IS TIME FOR IANS PATENTED "THE BARGAINING STRATEGY I LEARNED IN THE SOUKS" (tum tum tum) This serves as an alternative to the cross culture loving, arab kowtowing, dont say bad things about foreigner, left wing faggotry that was found in the lonely planet.

Rule 1 - NEVER show any interest in what you want. If you walk up to an item and squeal girlishly " I LOVE IT!!!" it is guaranteed that you never get a good price. A friend i was with did this and never got good prices. Another friend i was with did the opposite, disparaged, insulted, mocked the product.. but then said his friend would probably like it and offered a very low price. And he kept getting bargains!

Rule 2- NEVER state a price unless you have it in your wallet and you are going to buy. Arab salesmen dont understand modal verbs... especially in the conditional sense e.g. "IF i was going to buy this product, which i am not, I MIGHT/WOULD be expecting to pay around ..." is considered a solid contract to purchase the product for the price.

Rule 3- If you want a product be a dont be any politer than you need to be (this strategy is Marrakesh specific... people in other places around the country deserve better). They are there to make money, they think you are stupid, they think they can force, pressure or make you buy something you dont really want at a price you shouldnt pay when all you wanted was directions. If you want to buy it show no mercy, go in low, if they insult you with a stupidly high price insult them back, tell them their product is shit and you'll pay a quarter, walk away if you have to, under no circumstances give money over if you are not 100% happy. Walk away, they WILL follow you, they WILL hassel you, insult you grab your arm. Walk away. Go to a cafe.

Rule 4 - Dont buy from cunts. If the shopkeeps is straight out rude to you (as opposed to just crafty) Never give them a single cent. Fuck em.

Rule 5 - One in five salespersons in morocco are genuinely lovely and honest, accepting that they do exist and everyone is innocent till proven guilty is essential for travelling around the rest of the country. In Marrakech they are all cunts. Accept that and you will have an easier time understanding why they are all so rude to you.

~ Essouria

Like a breath of fresh air only two hours away from Marrakech Essouira was fantastic. There is something about the beach that, all over the world, affects people in a positive way and makes them more {insert good personality quality here}. Essouira is a beautiful whitewashed somewhat spanish inspired town.

Upon arriving after a hellacious bus trip with no air conditioning that was two hours late and tiny (Yay!), over roads that the Moroccan government optimistically labled as 'in the process of construction' we did the only thing that good beach bums would do... try and score some booze!

Not as hard as you might think, except that is was night time and it did involve creeping through a series of Pirates of the Carribean back streets following some really dodgy looking guy while there where people carrying knives and looking on ominously. We got no alcohol. Not even a little. So then we went in search of a hotel to stay at. Luckily the hotel we went to was both cheap (quarter price just because we asked for it and they where empty) AND stocked to the rafters with cheap Moroccan beer. SALUT!!

Also it was a great place with the most amazing terrace.

The other highlight of this place was the dinner we had on the second night, where you can literally go up to a fish seller, point at a fresh whole fish and watch them grill it in front of you. MUNCH MUNCH MUNCH!

~ Chefchouen

Again a slight cheat as i spent about four days in Fez, but i hardly left the hostel or took pictures so it seems a bit stupid to mention it. I Did try camel though...mmmm camelicious. AND hillariously i bumped into Menja from the orignal sahara trip when she saw me in a cafe from a hostel roof..RANDOM!!! Anyway lets continue with this lie.

One impressive thing that travel does do is that it makes Transit seem ok. At the start of the trip the two hour train ride between Brisbane and The Sunshine Coast seemed dauntingly long. After this trip the idea of a two hour taxi ride, followed by an eight hour train ride, followed by a four hour bus ride seems totally appropriate. I think because you have to get from one place to another somehow so there is more of an acceptance.

Chefchouen.. i will let the pictures speak for me. Let me just say two things.

1. This was the perfect way to finish the trip, showing a part of the REAL country, relatively free from tourists

2. If you only have a short time in Morocco, and really just dont have the time to get to do anything else, visit just Fez and Chefchouen. It is that simple.

Oh, at some point i ditched my Euro hatred and flew to London... more on that later kids!

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