CYCLE FLOWING, CHANGING, GROWING

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After my long trip in India, Thailand and Australia, I came back to Spain in July 2012. It’s been more than two years.

Autumn is coming again, parks in Girona are full of brown, orange, yellow and redish colours from the leaves falling

down.



The first year was a hard one. It definitely was. It took me nearly 10 months to feel that I was at home again and to be

happy to be here. I couldn’t find my place. Sometimes I still think that I haven’t found it yet. I think I have changed a lot

and everything here is pretty much the same so, it’s difficult to fit.



I found a really good job as a Speech Pathologist and it reminded me that I just love it!!! It was good, I had some new

motivation, I met some new friends, I earnt some money! But there were so many difficulties on the way: I had a car accident in October (it cost me my car...), I fell off of the

trapeze in April (it cost me my ankle.....). Obviosly my mind was not completely here, was it?

Anyway, as my friend Paul use to say, just keep going. And I did! I’m pretty strong!



The summer came by. Even if I was ready I couldn’t do any travelling because of my broken ankle but it was good in my

mind. I had some space, I settled down completely and I reflected on what I want now.

September arrived and the new school year was nearly started. Those dates are really important for teachers in Spain

because it’s the moment for getting a job (if you are lucky!). And guess what?? I was really lucky again! I got a job as an English teacher in a really good school, 10 minutes from

home! Well, it is pretty amazing! Who would have said I could be and English teacher ever?? Who would have said that I was

going to speak English ever? It was a good year in professional terms. I learnt a lot and it gave me some stability (in many different ways).





Another summer came by and, even if my ankle was ready, I didn’t go anywhere. I just wanted a quiet place to rest,

read, get into some writings, relax on the beach listening to the flow of the waves and walk into the bushes, just for some

peace. After wondering (a lot!) about going to Turkey, Greece or somewhere else I realised that I already live in a very

nice and quiet place, very close to the mountains and the beach. So I just stayed. Pretty much alone. I used to say that I

was in my shell and it felt wonderful. It is peaceful and silent in there. It allowed me to hear myself and to take care of my

body and my mind.



Another September. Time doesn’t really stop, does it? I like this cycle flowing everyday more and more. I’m getting

much better at appreciating the flowers in Spring time, the sun, the waves and the heat during Summer and I’m really

improving at taking care of myself when Autumm is announcing another cold Winter in my small village. Right now I’m

cooking a fantastic pumpkin cream while reading a funny book and working on this writing. I stay inside while outside it is

raining and getting misty and cold. So, I’m just here, sure that today is going to be a great day. Quiet, easy.... Isn’t that

what it’s all about?



We never stop growing, changing in a way, evolving. Some things act as a button though and, as soon as it’s pushed,

you start changing faster and deeper. Something already pushed this button of mine and I can’t stop. I really have

the feeling that I’m improving faster, and specially really deep inside, in a place I never would have imagined. It’s fun,

interesting and challenging. That’s exactlly what I love.

Changing is everywhere right now: values, daily routine, food, health, relationships, professional goals... everywhere!

It does mean too that I can’t leave this feeling I call “I don’t fit, I can’t find my place” but I’m already feeling comfortable

with it too.



Every now and again my body and my mind ask for a retreat. I need time and peace to organize and integrate all these

changes. Everything settles down and I breathe, I tell myself that everything is ok the way it is. Because I really think so

and I feel lucky for it.



Everytime I’m getting closer to the person I’d like to be and it makes me happy!

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Comments

[mahadev]

The person we'd like to be
Nice reflections here Carolina. It is interesting this concept of 'the person we'd like to be'. I suppose in one sense there is the counter side to it.... the person we ARE who we just need to accept... without judgement... with a sense that we must live with that and make it work for us and others. A balance I think. I constantly have 'themes' that I feel I am working on to 'be the person I'd like to be'... but at the same time I try not to try TOO hard (if that makes sense).... So as not to set myself up for failure or disappointment... to always balance the effort with 'it is what it is' ..... 'just like this' ......'just as I am'........ and 'let it be'.......... Actually through self-acceptance (with a big smile at the ridiculous non-permanence and illusion of it all) I think we do get to see the person we'd like to be. Oh well.... enough philosophising for now.... step by step and it's time for yoga. I am just like this. x

[Adukkumalli]

I understand the duality of the concept. And I think it's true that a lot is about acceptance of who you are and what life brings to you. But there is still something we can do right? Specially in terms of knowning ouserlves, make decisions.... not too hard, not pushing anything but just using all this knowledge and experience for our own good and to keep going deeper into wisdom.