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Published: February 25th 2007
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Whitianga: Seashell Capital of the World!
Well, maybe it isn't, but I've never seen so many shells in my life! "Mr. Burgundy, you have a massive erection!"
"Really? Yes, I do. Um, I'm sorry, it's the-- it's the pleats. It's uh, it's actually an optical illusion. It's the pattern on the pants. It's not flattering in the crotchal region. I'm actually taking them back right now. Taking them back to... the pants store. Oh, this is awkward." -Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy Howdy Pardners!
Well, I've been in New Zealand for about a week now, Rob and I flew out from from Singapore on February 8th. We got bumped up to business class for the flight, and let me tell you, that is the
only way to fly! Only 2 chairs are side-by-side, and you are pretty much sitting in a La-Z-Boy recliner the whole flight - with lower lumbar control! There's free booze, the TV screens are bigger, and they give you noise diffusion headphones which are great for blocking out screaming babies! And the meals... god, the meals!!! They are better than a lot of restaurants'. Hmmm, do I want the beef steak or the roasted duck? You know what? I'm gonna go with the duck!
Anyway, the majority of
First Class Baby!
Out of my way, people - I am a professional... professional bum! our time has been spent in Auckland, which is a nice city, but still just a city. We've since gone up north from there, to Paihia, and have worked down to the Whitianga and the Coromandal Bay.
Unfortunately, I don't have much to say about New Zealand so far. Culturally, it's about the same as North America. Nature-wise, it's fucking stunning! Mountains, trees, hills, valleys, and a kick-ass coastline all wrapped up into one tidy little package. But really, I haven't seen enough of New Zealand to give a good description of it. Like I said, we've only just left Auckland.
However, I do have a funny story to tell. Well, it's a sad and pathetic story, but it's funny! Hopefully you'll get a kick out it, and maybe somebody out there can answer some questions about women for me, or maybe some questions about me. Anyway, here it is!
Our first stop out of Auckland was north to Paihia. Rob and I were staying there for two nights, and on the second one (which happened to be Valentine's Day) we decided to go out for a couple of beers. Rob had noticed a place behind the
Scotty!
He's from Winnipeg so he's crazy - or he's crazy 'cause he's from Winnipeg. I forget which. Just teasing Scott! main street the night before, so we went to check it out.
The place was pretty bunk. Not much happening there, and the only place to sit outside were a couple of benches for the smokers. As we were walking out, a cute girl (who I'll call Jill) asked, "Hey mates, where you goin'?" So I told her that there wasn't a patio to sit out on, and she said it was no problem, just bring your beers out here, it wouldn't be a problem. OK, I'm sold!
So the three of us sat down and started talking. It seems that Jill was a little upset that she didn't get any Valentine's Day flowers from anyone this year. She claimed to be pretty liquored up too, although she seemed stone-cold sober to me.
Now this is when things started to get wierd. Jill starts running her fingers through my hair, grabs my hand and holds it on her thigh. Rob and I are trying to start a three-way conversation, but only I seem to be able to hear him. And this is literally 5 minutes after after meeting her! Don't get me wrong, I was definitely attracted
So This Is Auckland...
Wow, trees and everything! to her and she seemed like a cool gal, but still...
That's when the girl who was working the bar came outside. Apparently she's one of Jill's friends, and she's also... well, she's a tramp. She looks at us, and says to me, "Oh, you're gorgeous!"
"Thanks!"
"You're taking Jill home tonight, right?"
Now anyone who knows me knows that I'm not that much of a dater. I generally go on about one date per year, fuck it up, then wait for next year when I can fill my quota again. When a girl comes on to me agressively, I can handle it - barely. But when her friend is encouraging me to take her home too, well I panic. And that's just what I did - I panicked!
With this in mind, I implemented my patented, "I have a girlfriend" defense mechanism. That should scare Jill off and get her creepy friend off my back, right?
Wrong. Now the questions started: "What color are her eyes?" "What color is her hair?" "Why would your girlfriend let you travel for so long?" Uh-oh.
I wasn't expecting the questions, but I'm proud to say that I dodged
them as tactfully as Bill Clinton dodged the ones thrown at him during his impeachment trial. I did it the same way he did too: by lying my ass off! The funny thing is, if they had asked me what her name was, I'd be screwed by now (both figuratively and literally, if you can see where this story is going...).
At this point I thought I was in the clear. Jill's slutty friend has gone back to work, and the questions have pretty much subsided. Two things though: Rob left to go for a walk on the beach, and Jill is still holding my hand. Now I can see why Rob took off. Hell, why would he stick around? It's his job as my friend to let me screw this up by myself! I would do the same for him; that's what friends are for! But I was beginning to think that Jill doesn't care that I have a "girlfriend" because she's refused to let go of my hand.
Jill pretty much confirmed this shortly after Rob left by draping her left leg over both of mine and moving my hand high up on the inside of
Auckland Harbour
Try to contain your excitement Rob... her thigh. Like,
high. DAMN! I went against every instinct of my body and listened to my brain and told her I couldn't do this. STUPID BRAIN! She said that was alright and asked for a little kiss on the lips. OK, fine - I'd like to do that anyway! So I moved in for the kiss, and BAM! - her tongue was in my mouth! Shit, my imaginary girlfriend is gonna kill me when she hears this!
At this point I had gone far enough with the lie that I really couldn't back out now. I'm not the cheatin' kind, even if my girlfriend is fictitious. So I blazed out of there as quickly as I could, adjusting myself along the way so I wouldn't be pitching a tent like Ron Burgundy did in
Anchorman. Smoooooooth.
You know, originally, I was kind of glad I walked away from this situation. I'm not exactly a one-night-stand kind of guy. That being said, I'm second-guessing myself a bit now. On the one hand, if someone throws themselves at you so quickly, you have to question it a bit. What's it say about that person? On the other hand, I'm
not good with the ladies and I've never had the opportunity for sex thrown at me before! I mean, it was on a silver platter and gift-wrapped - with a bow on top! And I didn't accept it! What's that say about me??
Anyway, I'm going to slam my head into a car door repeatedly while shouting, "Why? Why? WHY?!" at the top of my lungs. Oh well, at least my mom and dad won't think I'm gay anymore - I hope!
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Robyn
non-member comment
Damn funny
Jesus Tom, your sweet valentine story was hillarious!! I can just see it all. Your imaginary girlfriend is one lucky chick !! Jill was lookin' to get laid, and probably share some crabs with you!!!! Now I know you like seafood, but way to sniff out the trouble. Take care Tom, I will be done at the bank in a few days, but will keep tracking you on your blog. Look me up if you are ever in Kelowna!!