day ?? - numb

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i'm in paradise. it should be good. but it isn't.

things in my life in waco look grim. nothing is working out. i'm in the midst of a million smiling faces and i hate them all.
i want to buck up. i want to get over it. but its all turning to shit. and all i have left is god.

the last few days have been amazing. australia is a country of wealth and beauty. and i ask myself a million times why i have left. melbourne is a lot different to the rest of this australia. maybe i could be up here. up north. then i'd miss my friends.

i think some of my problems have come from the idea that i'm trying to please everybody, to the expense of myself. then when i do that, ironically, i'm completely hopeless at making everyone happy. so everything seems shitty. messed up.

though i am not naive, i operate naively. there's something about that i like to keep it pure. but that seems to be smashed upon the wall.

i'm looking at the sky a lot. smoking a lot. wondering a lot. i'm finally alone. alone to myself to think. scared of what i may choose.

when i get back i'll fill in the gaps of my trip. the wonder. the drama. the romance. it all. but right now. i'm vomenting my numbness in this place. i wish i knew what i want. ultimately. what i'm here for. i can do the day to day. but my direction seems unclear now.

i'll sit on the beach and wonder some more. make notes. figure out my soul and its purpose in this divine scheme.

I fear i stay for her. I worry about her. i worry about me worrying about her. i wish she were happy. i wish she got over her crap and start living. there's nothing worthwhile in her desolate wanting. yet i wish she were here.

and i wish you were here too...

escape seems (ironically) incredibly appealing. I look at aj and wonder if i can immerse myself into hedonistic and sexual conquest and find a false happiness i can believe. but i know i won't. damnit. i know there's more. i know this isn't the end of the world. i think of sweden. it's a possibility.

australia has so much wealth. and its beauty and shiny money seduce me. though she doesn't seem right for me.

i look forward to being on the beach.
me. sand. surf. pen. paper. prayer.

i hope the damn british don't disturb me. they're everywhere. screw britain.

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