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Published: October 2nd 2011
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I want to write about the battle in my mind, the battle that has raged over the years and where this journey has placed me today. The trouble I'm finding that I don't know how to express this battle in words.
Perhaps I should start with where this battle has lead me to over recent weeks. The battle appears to be over, for now. In recent weeks my time with myself has become a quiet joyful conversation with me where I'm clear to live in the moment. Man that sounds really cosmic!!
So what does that mean, to live in the moment? When I climb into my truck tomorrow living in the moment, for me, will mean experiencing all that is around me, the air (cool breeze or hot wind), the enormous coloured dome above me called the sky, the landscape which reaches out forever and demonstrates a vastness that make me feel very small, plus the encounters with the people here, many positive and some confrontational.
Living in the moment means for me considering how to draw a cloud with a pencil, seeing the photo in amongst the vastness of the environment. Just soaking up a sunset with
all of the full rich colours and how they change. Being right there in the drivers seat focusing on the noise of the chopper beside me and the position of the truck and where I am in relation to the chopper so little or none of the crop is spilled. Living in the moment includes being present as I drive the truck every moment of the day. Living in the moment means not being eaten up by the past or having a panic attack about what may come in the future.
Until recently my experience has not been anything like that. There have been soooo many days when my mind and I would move back into my past and troll through all the mistakes I have made, the friends I have lost, the loved ones that have left, the money spent, and the place I imagined I would be compared to where I am today. Lost relationships have hurt the most together with my failed attempts to better myself. So many days have gone by in the truck alone with me trying to make sense of what went wrong or what I could have done differently to make things better for myself and those around me.
To have reached the depths of dispair where no one could reach me, to watch the special people around me whom I loved so dearly not be able to reach me regardless of what they said or did. I can best describe it as living in a plastic bubble where I could see them, hear them, see their pain and frustration but as my life depended on it I just couldn't touch them and neither could they touch me. To not be able to communicate that desparation unfolding in front of me on a daily basis and regardless of what I attempted to do to watch those people move away for fear of being dragged into the abyss with me. So many days spent trying to make sense of so many things.
So what was my turning point?
To be told that there was a strong possibility that I had cancer was one of them. Nothing has affected my thinking more than this news. Thankfully a visit to the Urologist in late August confirmed that I didn't have cancer but the six weeks between the initial discussion and the visit was, for me was life defining.
What do I mean by life defining?
Well I found that lots of issues that I thought were important weren't. The really important issues were around people. Briar, Meg and Jessie are the 3 most important people in my life (oh and Monty! well sort of). My mum and dad and my 2 sisters, Gillian and Pip, have also become incredibly important to me along with some very dear friends who have stuck with me no matter what. Keely, Phillip, Dale, Jill and Penny have shown themselves to be invaluable friends even though these relationships have been strained at times. Many other people have been incredibly important to me at different times as well. I had no idea how incredibly important these "life lines" were until they showed themselves to me. I have also come to know my nephew, Tim, where we both benefited from each others company.
The second event that happenned was following an exchange of emails between Mary-Anne and I. Something clicked inside me through this exchange where I saw things much more clearly than previously. I thank Mary-Anne for having the courage to write back to me when she didn't need to. Mary-Anne did what she did and that's the way it is. Did it hurt to loose the most valued friend in the world. Hurt? That word doesn't come close to the pain experienced in the loss of my best friend.
Anne Young has been a God send and recently gave me the most amazing quote that helped to comprehend what life has dished up. You know sometimes it's a different perspective that helps to gain a better understanding of lifes events.
"Life is in fact a series of short stories even though we persist in the belief that it is a novel. " Oh how much that piece of wisdom clicked with me. An observation from this quote is that the short stories that I have read are never connected and describe snippets of life exclusive to the others.
If you are still with me here then congratulations.
So much thinking. So much anguish. So much confusion. All for what?
All for the feeling that I have now, I'm free. I'm free.
Not sure what that really means but that how it feels. As a consequence I can finally start to dream again about possibilities for the future.
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allen gunn
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This is incredible.
Nigel,I'm so proud of you.The way you have expressed yourself speaks volumes...Especially to someone who can relate to those dark times we confront ...often unexpected and seemingly for no logical reason.To travel to another country on the other side of the world takes balls...You have to rely heavily on your own decisions and be at peace knowing.. you are who you are and that you are strong in many ways..Stay Safe my friend,cheers,Gunnee.