No Good Deed Goes Unpeed On

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I started writing this on 10/21/2012. For whatever reason, I never finished it. It's been forever since I even came to this website. But after reading what I wrote, I figure it's amusing enough to post what I have. Just a crazy memory with my boy. A trip where everything seemed to go wrong, but we still had a ball on our trip. I miss that kid.



My kid's Mom was supposed to take him to Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights last weekend. For whatever reason, it didn't happen, and my son was quite disappointed. Being the awesome parent that I am, and knowing my wife has never missed going to it, I twisted and wrangled, begged, and borrowed, to make sure I could get them there. I made it clear to my boy that one way or another, I would get him there. Unfortunately, this weekend was the last weekend I would be off work while it was going on. It was now or never. When the time came to buy the tickets, my wife informed me that she couldn't go, (Sign Number 1 this is a bad idea, and I should just stay home). She has recently started selling Scentsy and had a "party" (A bunch of women sniffing scented blocks of wax, eating, drinking, and giving my wife their money) scheduled on Sunday. Since she doesn't get off work till 7 pm, Friday night wasn't an option for her, and I guess she didn't want to be exhausted for her thing on Sunday if she is up all night Saturday. So I get tickets for Friday night for just me and my boy. This also means I have to drive my Jeep instead of my wife's nicer newer one (Sign Number 2). I knew my Jeep would be fine. But it's old enough that I worry about taking it out on long road trips. Plus it gets shit for gas mileage.

While the planning for this was going on, my parents were simultaneously planning a trip this same weekend to Universal Studios, to go to the park during day with mine, and my brother's kids. I figured I would take my kid to the park Friday night. Then meet up with them Saturday morning and let them take him for the rest of the weekend. Then I would just come back home Saturday morning by myself. In the past my parents have let my son bring a friend with him since he is in his late teens and my brother's kids are in elementary school. I thought they would let him do it again, so I allowed him and his buddy to start figuring out if his friend could get out of school and pay for his own way. Honestly, I didn't think they would work it out. But between the 2 of them it came down to the final obstacle being whether or not it was OK with my parents for his friend to go with them to the park during the day, and spend the night in their hotel room Saturday night. So I talked to my mom and she made it clear she wanted to spend some family time together instead of the teenagers roaming willynilly on their own (Sign number 3). I had to tell my kid his friend couldn't come. But to make up for it, and not leave him just stuck with the little kids and the old folks, I told him I would stay in Orlando Saturday and go to the park with him during the day, then drive home after. I pretty much have the maturity level of a teenager anyway.

As the days ticked by during the week, I managed to have everyone pissed off at me for one reason or another (Sign number 4 I think). My wife was mad. My exwife was mad. My son was mad. All I wanted to do was make this happen for my kid and my wife. It wasn't my fault this was the only weekend I would be off work before Halloween Horror Nights ended. It had gotten to the point where if the tickets were refundable or didn't have our names on them, I would get rid of them and just stay home and watch the Jacksonville Air Show that would be going on right on top of my house the same weekend. I would enjoy watching the planes and people a lot more than driving my beat up old jeep to Orlando and roaming theme parks all weekend. I also found out that my kid had skipped a full day of school the week before (Sign Number Something). I can't reward bad behavior. But the money was spent. I couldn't let it go to waste. But I should have.

I was off work on Friday anyway. I was letting the kid skip that day so we could get on the road early enough to beat rush hour traffic in Central Florida. I was looking forward to sleeping in a little and taking our time on our road trip. But I was jolted awake Friday morning by my very upset wife saying "If I go over there I will end up slapping the shit out of someone". My wife doesn't talk like that. Ever. What the fuck is going on before 6 am on my day off that my wife is looking to jack someone up already. I sit up and realize she is on the phone and crying. I can hear her mother on the other end of the phone. I catch enough to realize that someone is in the hospital. Since I can hear her mothers voice on the phone, I can tell she is OK. I know I'm not in the hospital. I'm pretty sure my son is asleep in the next room and not in the hospital and if he was, I am pretty sure I would know it before my mother in law. This leaves only my brother in law, sister in law, and her 2 kids, that I could think of that my wife would be this protective over. She just doesn't have any other family here in town. But she is crying pretty heavy. I do what husbands are supposed to do, and put my arm around her and ask what happened. Her grandmother on her Mom's side died during the night of a blood clot (Pretty Big Damn Sign Number 6). Fuck. Now how do I get out of going to Orlando. I cant go now. I have to stay home and be with her. But that would be almost $300 flushed down the toilet. That's a lot of damn money. My son has already been let down twice over this freaking trip. I have to take him. I need another me. One to take him. One to stay with her. The one person that could pass as me (my brother) had already made it clear he wanted nothing at all to do with going to Universal Studios this weekend during the day or the night (Probably another sign), and comforting my wife all weekend would just be inappropriate.

My wife went on and got ready and went to work. My boy and I went ahead and packed up to leave. We did some house cleaning before we left. Then went to meet his mother to get some stuff she was giving him for our trip. With that done, I thought nothing else could possibly go wrong. We are on the road. Everything will be fine. I should have driven back home.

My parents got on the road to Orlando about the same time I did. But they were doing it from the other side of town, putting me about 20 minutes a head of them. My mom texted me (She has yet to learn that this encourages me to reply by text while driving.) asking if I wanted to stop in St Augustine for lunch. I told her I would be there in 5 minutes and would let her know where to go. Even though my kid and I had already grabbed some Wendy's before Mom asked me about lunch, I figured it would be a good break in the drive. I found a Ruby Tuesday's just off the highway near St Augustine's outlet mall. The kid and I hung out in the parking lot until my parents showed up with my niece and nephew.

Lunch and the rest of the drive to Orlando was relatively uneventful. Traffic in Orlando was a bit of bitch. But we found the hotel without any problems. Actually, I found it by accident. I knew I was in the right area. Even on the right road. But with a road lined with hotels, I knew I should pull into a parking lot and check the confirmation email on my phone. It just so happened that after checking the name and address from the email, I realized I was in the parking lot of the hotel I was supposed to be at.

After hanging out at the hotel for a couple of hours, it was time to go to HHN. The drive over to the park was fine. In the parking area I decided I didn't want to spend the money on the valet parking. But I also didn't want to end up with my car parked on the moon. So I paid a little extra for the "Preferred" Parking. The entrance to that area, it so happened, was clear across all of the travel lanes from the parking toll booth I was at, and the driveway into the preferred area isn't marked very well. I missed it. I ended up in the exit lane leaving the entire park property (Fate put me in the exit lane. I should exit my ass to the house. (Sign, umm, 7?)

Dumb Ass Fucking Ignorant Designed by Monkeys Universal Studios travel lanes put me out on Major Blvd with my only option being making a u-turn at Kirkman to get back into park property. Not a big deal. Shit happens. Until as I slow to make the u-turn on a bright warm Florida sunshiny day, I start skidding. Stupid Fucking Universal or dumbass city of Orlando has watered a turn lane with their stupid water sprinklers. I turn my wheels to get up in the grass, but I am still sliding forward at what seemed like a snail's pace. I wasn't moving fast. But I wasn't stopping as I was sliding towards a busy intersection and the stupid little girl in the car ahead of me has now stopped in the middle of the intersection. There isn't anything I can do but hope I stop before I hit her. I'm going so slow I even have time to rationalize that at this speed, if our bumpers line up, there probably wont be any damage at all. But her little plastic Toyota hatchback Scion does not sit has high as my armored Jeep Wrangler. I'm fixing to fuck this girls car up. It didn't feel like slow motion. It was actually slow motion. The impact felt like casually bumping into someone at the mall. But it sounded like a tank hitting house made of legos.

I expected to see the front of my car all jacked up. I could already see hers was crushed. As I got out and came around in between the cars I saw more and more damage up and down and all across the back of her car. Then I saw mine. In the middle of my bumper is an aluminum tag. Like a license plate. But with Army Parchte Wings spread across it. The bottom inch and a half of it hangs below the bumper. That inch and half was bent up under the bumper. It was the only damage on my car at all. I asked the stupid girl and her 2 stupid friends if they were hurt. Since casually bumping into someone at the mall doesn't really cause any damage, unless you piss them off and they pull a gun on you, (Don't ever go to Regency Mall) I was pretty sure everyone was fine. They said they were fine, and no one pulled a gun out. I called and reported the accident. Within about 15 minutes a Community Service Officer showed up and made jokes about Chinese cars getting beat up by American cars. It was funny at the time. Using my hands, I went ahead and straightened my tag back out. There is now no evidence that I have been involved in any crash ever. It's nothing but their word against mine that an accident even happened involving me.

The not quite a Cop told me she was going to list me as being at fault. But as long as the girl I hit doesn't call her after 30 days saying that my insurance company hasn't fixed her car, she wont send me a ticket for going "too fast for conditions". I've never heard of getting a retroactive ticket. The Not-A-Cop then estimated that Stupid girl's car has approximately $3000 worth of damage, and mine has $5. That isn't a typo. Five Dollars for my slightly bent Airborne tag.



...and that's as far as I got in October of 2012 when I started writing this. The cop let us go on about our way. Insurance covered Stupid Girl's car. The wreck didn't cause us to really be late. We had a ball and did everything we wanted to do. I'm sure the rest of the weekend was probably a little hectic. I even just remembered why I titled this the way I did. At some point during the day trip to the park, my mom and I were standing in the shade of a tree while everyone else did something else. Something dripped down the side of my arm. I turned and looked to see where it came from, to find a damn squirrel marking his territory on me. But Caleb had a good time.

The Mayans believed the world would end on December 21st of that same year. At the time, I thought they were right. On the morning of Dec 21 my wife came in to the bedroom waving a pregnancy test like a crazy lady. I thought she was trying to fling pee on me. But it turned out she was pregnant. Well played Mayans. Well played. Most people would probably be happy. But I didn't think we had the finances for it. I probably should have been more supportive. But I thought this was the end of my world. Little did I know, my world would actually come to a screeching halt a year and a half later in the form of a tractor trailer crashing into and destroying the car Caleb was driving, killing him instantly. I didn't go to Halloween Horror Nights last year. I don't know how I can ever do it, or any of the things I did with him again.

-end

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Photos

On the road to Halloween Horror Nights
I snapped this while we sat in the parking lot waiting on my parents to meet for lunch. Those are his pajama pants.

The Joker
I've included some pics of HHNs passed. Since Universal Studios doesn't allow costumes in the park, and Caleb is a bit of a fan of The Joker from Batman, he would usually color his hair green like The Joker's.

Gotham
Of course the Batman fan had to pose with the Gotham Ice Company.

Harley Quinn
Maybe it's not Harley Quinn. But close enough for the Batman fan.

After a long night in the park
We got back to the hotel to find a Rolls Royce parked in the handicapped spot. So we had a little fun flashing gang signs with the handicapped baller's ride.

My favorite picture
My wife had us all go out to Big Talbot island in December of 2012 to take pictures for Christmas cards. Caleb and I had gotten a bit a head of the group we were with, and stopped to wait on them. He climbed up on this old dead tree while we were talking, and I thought it looked like a great picture. So I snapped this with my phone.