Published: February 13th 2006February 13th 2006
Fire Ants, Ruby the Sewer Hose Support Seller & a Jar of Adolph’s
I got into fire ants. Never felt a thing, which I will explain later. I began to itch like the dickens and couldn’t figure out the cause until some Floridians met casually spied the giant welts and said, “Oh, you got into fire ants.” Some said, “Squeeze the welts until the “poison” seeped out.” Others said, “Suck out the venom as if treating snake bite.” Still others advised, “spit on them,” “black coffee enemas,” “eye of newt dissolved in Clorox,” and “Leave them alone.” Eventually all was forgotten and the “bites” stopped their horrible itch.
Some months later, while shopping for sewer hose supports - which I will explain if you ask - at an RV-Mart World store. Ruby, a full timer - which I will explain if you ask - was our encyclopedic salesperson. As part of her “pitch” to upgrade our choice for sewer hose support ramps, she threw in the fact that in addition to their primary benefit - which I will explain if you ask - sewer hose support ramps would keep the sewer hose off the ground and prevent fire ants from damaging the discharge line with their extremely acidic secretion.
“Fire ants,” yiked I, remembering the bad itch. “I got into them and got bit.” “Not so,” sniffed Ruby, the aforementioned encyclopedic sales person. This is when she revealed the shocking truth. “Fire ants don’t bite. They urinated on you (except she used the word that begins with “p” and has a double “s!”
These almost microscopic ants had relieved their tiny, little bladders of a powerful acidic fluid on me just like they would do on the sewer line if it dared touch the ground. (Thinking back, my fire ants got on me from a beach towel tossed on the patio and then used as a lap robe. No wonder I didn’t feel a thing!)
Well this would be just about enough had not Ruby continued. “You should have made a meat tenderizer paste and rubbed it in to sooth the itch!”
If you call and we aren’t home, we are out shopping for meat tenderizer - prevention is 90% of cure.