When does a good time change, and become a warning sign?

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*today’s thoughts*

If I think of any misfortunate event I have found myself in, and there have been many, I can link in Alcohol. Not just a glass, but a bottle of whatever was on offer.

Waking to find that I have shared my bed with someone I don’t recognise, unprotected sex, covered in bruises, the taste of filth in my mouth, red eyes, mental blanks of the night before.

Drinking stops being fun when I am putting myself in danger. I have passed out in dark alleys, woke to find a hand up my skirt, locked myself out of the house at 3am, slept on the front lawn, drove to work when I can barely tie my shoe laces, divulged private matters. I have made a mockery of myself. Time and time again.

I like to drink, I enjoy the silliness and giggles. But my issue is that I don’t stop. I have never had friends before comment that my drinking is a concern, probably because I am a happy drunk, and also I have never lived with a friend before, until I moved to London.

My concerned roommate pointed out that I drink every night. When working at the bar I will drink, on my nights off I will go out and drink, and on the odd occasion that I have a quiet night in, I can be found sitting at the table reading a book and drink a bottle of wine.

I find it difficult to just have one, why not another? And so it continues.

Excessive drinking, stumbling and hangovers are now a daily addition to my life. I can feel the effect it is having on my work, my performance is sluggish and the first few hours of every day is spent starring at my computer screen pretending to tackle my work load. By the afternoon I can start, but my I struggle to think strait and my sentences are often incoherent.

Can I slow down? I am surviving on minimal sleep, I try to go to the gym but lack the enthusiasm, my diet is plummeting and this will result in the binge-vomit habit that never quite leaves me, it just waits patiently for me to crumble weakly so it can rear its ugly head.

Am I distracting myself from another issue? Or am I simply having a good time?

My mother has been constantly mentioning she is concerned for my alcohol intake, I always thought she was being a mother. But I have now been told by 2 doctors that I am at risk, the most recent one booking me an appointment with the alcohol nurse (?), an appointment I will surely miss.

The issue is not that I am drinking every night, but getting drunk every night. I acknowledge this.

But what now?

Stop?

No.

Try to set limits?

Yes.

An attempt to restrict consumption to the weekends (with the exception of mid week events) has begun, my first day. Working at a bar at night perhaps not the best help, but a challenge has been set. Back to the gym. Try to increase my sleeping hours.

Perhaps this is all a laugh. I’m only having fun. Right?

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