drowning

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I feel myself losing control.

My mind is flooded with thoughts, a torrent so strong I can’t pause to concentrate on one.

As I lose control of my emotional side, I take charge in the physical, in the only self harming way I can. I’m floating through an afterthought.

Fighting to relax, but the anxiousness is overbearing. The festive season holds my body tense, unsure of where I’ll be, who I will be with. Panicking that I will be alone. The uncertainty engulfs me and suffocates logical reasoning.

My work load increases daily and I fight to cope, doing my best to stay in front, but I am already trailing last, already a stitch in my side and the realisation that I may never catch up.

Keeping up the positive appearance is exhausting, smiling, laughing, joking. Always the larrikin, always the funny girl. Inside I’m screaming. But my voice is so loud even I don’t know what I’m saying.

A small circle of friends that have left to celebrate with their families, a lover that cannot be read, an empty house, temporary employment.

Just relax.

Breathe.

What the fuck is going on! Self fucking pity. You live in London! You have plans, dreams, hopes. What is the deal!

Your alone. And this was your choice. Fuck you.

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