Heart status

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I can't sleep.

It's 3 something in the morning, hours before Mark is going to get on a plane back to Canada.

It's been crazy having him here. Good. Bad. All at the same time. We've hit some major bumps and jumps along the way, but as he says every paved and smooth road started out at dirt and gravel at some point.

The times I was frustrated, the times I wanted him to go were now, I realize, just times I needed some space to myself. We figured that out towards the end, that balance for the both of us. It has been a very honest, humbling and probably necessary experience....right up there with Nessie swimming; 2 weeks every single day together is not a venture to be taken upon lightly. I've never done it before, but then I've never felt like this about someone before.

He's up in bed sleeping, and I'm down in the hotel lobby hoping that doing this will have an anasthetic affect upon my body and psyche.

I don't want him to go. I know that it's me that left home, so I guess it's not fair to say that. I don't want to be without him might be better. There were times in the last 2 weeks that I was less than a stellar girlfriend, and it's killing me that I acted the way I did or even considered some of the words I chose to say. I guess I've discovered that leaving puts things in perspective. I've learned that one before, but obviously needed a refresher course. There was a period in my life where I was really really good about being in the moment and letting the little things go in lieu of the bigger picture. I seem to have lost that along the way, and I hate to admit that it's been replaced by something a little more selfish.

We have to get up in 3 hours to get Mark to the airport....all I want to do is just hold him that whole time, to fall asleep behind him, my forehead on his back...

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