Déjà vu

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Things in my life have come along at leaps and bounds. I have slowly but continuously expanded my circle of friends, my job is going well and a new relationship is being enjoyed. Christmas came and went, spent with other orphans. Lots of laughs, lots of drinks. It was an amazing weekend. New Years Eve celebrations with great people, champagne, shots and silly pictures, holding off the New Years kiss to later on in the night to share the first of 2011 with someone special.

Booking a snowboarding trip to Austria with a group of equally energetic and enthusiastic people, still counting down the weeks until we can hit the slopes, the vodka and enjoy shared warmth in the cold.

Lots of dinner parties, rediscovering my culinary skills and shocking even myself, dining out and being asked to quiet down by the floor staff, taking to the streets arm in arm with friends I adore and share a love of naughty antics and inappropriate gestures.

Spending lazy weekend mornings wrapped in warm blankets and arms.

An unexpected email from a job application I had submitted as a second thought. Travelling Europe on the biggest Fuck and Chuck tour provided to 18 -35 year olds. The thought both excites and terrifies me. Losing my routine, my space, my time.

After a difficult settling period, nights spend awake, wondering if moving was the right decision, struggling to find my place, make solid friends, make this city my home, am I about to start all over again?

What an opportunity, do I dare even question this? How can this even be view as anything but a positive challenge!

A group interview, 12 other applicants, I was pleased to see everyone else as nervous as I, my hands shook as I delivered a 3 minute presentation on the Renaissance, a topic I had only studied for the night before, I could feel the sweat on my back, and the stammer in my voice was covered over with my loud, reassuring and confident voice. Outside no one knew, inside I was drowning. Was it nerves, or perhaps the toxins exiting my body after a weekend of body abuse?

Admittedly, the call back for a 2nd interview did not surprise me, the skill of false confidence has yet to betray me. A panel of three, stony faced and bitter.Insulting and shocking at every comment, belittling my application, skills and experience. Finding the whole process amusing, after years of verbal face slapping I find it entertaining to watch someone try to break my positive outlook, my smile plastered across my face showed no sign of breaking. Calm and always humorous I finished my interview, the panel breaking their character and telling me how well I did.

To follow would be 10 weeks of intensive training costing 300Euro, plus day to day expenses, unpaid, an assignment & exam, passing is the only option to guarantee work.

1 day to find out if I am offered my current role full time, 3 days to find out if I am offered the travellers dream role.

Do I dare even worry myself with this right now, should I not wait to the end of the week to see my anxiety soar, my nights become sleepless?

Back to decisions, back to leaving cared ones behind.

Uncertainty:my enemy and my lover.

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