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Published: January 21st 2008
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Hello London
... well, Stansted anyway... Okay... I just want to precursor this entry by declaring (as I certainly will do many more times by the end of this) that I - Susan Shaw (aka Grotsky) am a knob.
Knob...
Wanker...
Dickhead...
Idiot...
Tosser...
For the purposes of this blog, let's just accept this classification as an indisputable fact.
Just so that we're all on the same page, and now I will go on with my story.
Actually... first I just want to take a time-out and talk about Dr Hahn from Grey's Anatomy. Haawwt! Like... wow. I remember her as the chick at the end of Silence of the Lambs (you know - it puts the lotion on the skin, it puts the lotion in the bucket...) and then she turns up on Grey's... and I was watching Weeds the other day - and there she was again! And now she's back as a regular on Grey's and I am ... well, I'm just about as happy as one person could be about a random cougar turning up on a random TV show really.
Oh my god - now Glenne Headley is in this episode...
See,
HFC
Halal Fried Chicken.. I love it!! this is why I can't watch TV and write self deprecating blogs.
Annnywho... Back to me being a dickhead. The story all begins where my last blog left off - with a very sick Raphael dropping me off at the Grenoble airport. Can I just say how wierd it was to be waiting in a teeny tiny french airport (or as Raphael explained it 'it make the airport Cairns... huge!') waiting for the one plane of the day (going to Stansted airport near London) and to be surrounded with people - like 80 people - ALL speaking english! I mean, I hadn't heard a native speaker in like 5 weeks - it was beyond bizarre. Unfortunately they were all british... and all seemed to be wankers (ostensibly anyway...) I was in a bit of an enti-british mood for some reason.
The flight was good - I slept, i listened to my ipod... when I woke up we were landing, and when we were on the ground, te captian announced 'Welcome to London - I hope you'll be happy with our arrival time - 50 minutes early!' FIFTY! it was crazytown. I got out to the busses and caught
Lannie and I...
outside the real Swatch shop... my shuttle... my non-stop shuttle from Stansted airport to Victoria bus station (just a quick hop from Victoria Train Station) and I was so very excited - like excited just to be there!
The bus was pretty empty - there were maybe ten spanish retirees, me, and these two english ladies, one of whom exclaimed upon entering the bus 'blimey! It aint half hot in here innit?' It was flipping brilliant!
the bus stopped at the station, and I asked one of the british ladies where Victoria station was, she poited to a building, and that's where I headed... As I was walking in, there were this man and a woman in business suits lying on office chairs and 'swimming' towards each other... They were also being filmed. moly holy it was so odd.
I called Lannie and arranged to meet her outside the Swatch shop in the station at 5:30. Seeing as how the plane was so early, this gave me a couple of hours to have a look around... Lannie told me that there was the Wicked theatre nearby, and Buckingham palace - so I should go take a look.
I did go for
Me and Lan
Mucking around taking self shots a walk... couldn't find those things, but just figured that I was an idiot and was just so happy to be in London, I was wandering around grinning like a big kid - I found an ice-skating rink and sat for a while to write in my journal - went to Burger King - just bummed around before going to the Swatch store at 5:15.
5:30 comes... no Lannie...
5:45 comes... no Lannie...
6:00 comes... no Lannie...
I'm thinking - she's just got stuck at work... she has my mobile number... she's probably just super busy and don't call her coz that'll just be annoying...
6:15 comes and I think, well... maybe just a friendly text message. So I write her a very Lannie friendly text message
**
hey lannie, just checking in, in case I'm experiencing a Willow-invisible scenario... Or there is more than one swatch place, or more than one vic station... I'm good to wait tho. Just checking in. I don't want to have my skin peeled off is all 😊 **
NB - if you don't get certain references in that text, it's not your fault. You are
just an idiot. Or you are a philistine who has never seen the light and decided to watch the seven beautifully constructed seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer... However... I will offer you a one-time deal of the best advice you will ever receive (advice that I one day received from Alannah, and as such she will always have a very special place in my heart - many other reasons too, but this is the main one ;p) ready? here goes...
Watch Buffy. do it. do it now. Start tomorrow and your new life will have already started... you can thank me later.
Very shortly after my phone rings... 'what do you mean? I'm at swatch - I've been here since 5:30, I figured you were out checking out tourist stuff still...'
hang on, is there definitely only one swatch? - I'm thinking... hang on - maybe I am finally having a buffy moment - yahoo!!! Where's the yellow crayon??
'well I asked the chick at the swatch and she said there's definitely only one'
well, there must be, coz mine has a guy - god dammit! no buffy moment 😞
Lannie tells me to hang tough and she'll recheck the situation...
now get ready... this is where I turn into a complete dickhead... and I think that maybe I should go outside and double check the name above the big entrance doors and clarify that I am actually in Victoria station.
...
I was not.
I am a dickhead.
I was at Liverpool Street station. Which also has a swatch... and a Krispy Kremes, and a WH Smith, and a Booths, and 2 Burger Kings, and 2 McDonalds. I build up all my shame into a ball somewhat resembling courage (but definitely 100%!s(MISSING)elf pitying shame) and called Lannie
so it turns out that I am an idiot and I am not actually at Victoria station.
Lannie, the beautiful, awesome person that she is, said to stay there (by the Swatch shop) and she would come and get me. Unfortunately that would take about 20 minutes... and I can get an awful lot of self hatred built up in 20 minutes. I'm amazed that I didn't throw myself in front of a double decker bus... I did think that I saw someone that I used to be friends with (or at least someone I once shared a few confidences with and had some things in common with) and I had to fight the urge to run to this stranger (as, of course, there was no way that it was actually the person that I was thinking that it was) and hug them, and explain the whole thing and tell them how much of a wanker I am.
I'm glad that that didn't happen.
And you know, it's funny how many times you see the name of a station when you're actually looking for it... not just wandering around grinning like a tourist, convinced that you are somewhere that you are not.
I was channeling Cher form Clueless 'I'm such a bonehead', and Jerry from Sliding Doors 'are you some sort of as yet undefined breed of idiot?'... and please feel free to submit your own appropriate quotes for me in a comment.
Anyway... long story short (yes, I know... too late for that...) Lannie came and rescued me! We went out to her house as Clapham Junction and then headed out for dinner at a real English Pub!! I had Fish and Chips!
And then Crazy Natt came along!! And it was soooo good to see crazy again!
So that's my little story of self ridicule. More soon. There should be more here.. but I don't have to photos to match the story :P hehe.
Love you all! But mostly Lannie, coz she is my god - an awesome friend, with the best memory for tv shows one could ever encounter (seriously, she's better than any synopsis site you will ever find - and her recaps of Dawsons Creek were just as involved as the show, but they didn't have the horror factor of James Van der Beek's face in them...) and I hear she's a pretty good kisser too 😉
Go Lan!
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Valerie and Eddie
non-member comment
seriously!
You couldn't find Buck House!!! AND you muddled up railway stations! Good thing you do have such a good friend in Lannie!