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Published: July 23rd 2009
I remember this good friend i met while traveling in the north of Laos asking me in a funny way what was it that i enjoyed the most of not having a permanent address, i laughed first, then the first thought that came to my mind was simply the pleasure of living on a timeless zone for the most part, not knowing if it is tuesday or saturday, Sunday or Thursday, 3 o'clok or 11:30, the fact is that putting chronological time on my days takes the fun out of them, somehow in the past, i recall developing some conditioned ways of behaving and thinking according to the day and time it was; i used to dislike Sundays very much for being the typical church plus soccer madness days, but sundays were sundays nothing wrong with them but with the bitterness of my attitude towards them, anyways, what is time but fragments of eternity chopped down into hours, minutes & seconds by us, which are not meant to condition the experiences, changes, & feelings that i've been going thru....
.....Funny!! sometimes I hear this voice inside my head that tries to take the joy out of everything by questioning this
pathetic "non-existent future", the so precious "security" and "success"....What does success really mean for me?, is this just another set of rules & predefined guides rewarding those who score high on the "Well-accepted-successful-person's" list, is this all about material abundance?, a predifined career path full of steps to reach the next level of success? or a collection of paper made diplomas that will make me stand out above other fellows? Hmmmmmmm.....Although i tend not to despise money and recognize that material abundance could somehow make a journey more successful, but it also comes in second place, i have felt successful by so many other things with no price-tag attached to them, moving briefly into the past and recalling the days of isolation & sickness confined to a wheel chair in a hospital in Laos made it very clear to me how successful i am every day that i wake up healthy, breathing deeply, stretching, experiencing a fragment of the full power of my lungs, having enthusiasm for life, feeling excited about doing things, seeing places, meeting people and having fulfilling relationships with them, having the freedom to explore my creativity, in general, this big sense of well-being & contentment in life, realizing that my major purpose is to get to know my true nature rather than my deceitful mind is the sweetest taste of success i've ever had....
...Planting trees in Australia under extreme conditions & spending lots of time out in the paddic made me put lots of things into perspective, it thought me how much i need to work on accepting my circumstances, others and myself. This was by far the hardest physically demanding job i have ever done and the one who allowed me to experience a wide range of emotions, there were usually two options at the paddic every day, resist to what it was the whole day and suffer every minute of it or shut the mind, focus & just plant until the day was over, i did experience both of them in extreme intensity; i fully lived the most peaceful moments between my thoughts that i had never experienced before, taking my time to plant each tree, to simply "be", feeling by breath as i took each step, feeling the rain chilling my body or the gentle breeze caressing & cooling my skin during the hottest days, this flow and joy of doing whatever i was doing without focusing on expectations and doing it for the sake of it without judging anything that happened: was that job good or bad? did i like it or dislike it? did i want to be there or somewhere else? etc... just doing it by giving it all my attention & care, stopping for a second the turbulence inside my head, and saving that energy to not just survive the day but feeling peace inside. I also recall how i used to try to focus on converting that moment of mental suffering into a benefit, i remember saying to myself in the hardest moments: Ok Ok, let's just rethink this again and understand that i am upset because i am on this situation which might just be an opportunity for the creation of something beautiful, who knows? let's discover what message is the universe giving me and what it wants me to learn out of all this, i surrender to you, opening up, just show it to me.....and suddenly throwing my spade to the ground hard enough that it will stand up, then i sat on the ground hopelessly looking to reconciliate my frustration with the excitement of really being able to find out what the message was.....observing my agitated breath calming down & finally laughing at myself for the scene i just made that nobody understood, of course hahahaha....this was a frustration that became laughter and joy of knowing that those feelings were impermanent, that it only took me few minutes to listen and feel my emotions to reconcile with them, to fully accept what i was doing and change my attitude....
....Another valuable thing that happened in the paddic was the totally honest exposure of my weaknesses, i was shocked by realizing their clear existence inside me and became aware that they were coming to me with such clarity that i could not ignore them again, that reflection & change were necessary.....These thoughtful days were not the majority but they are the ones i will treasure and recall with joy knowing that the awareness of my weaknesses are irreversible, knowing that i am on the right track, and that maybe one day they will get lost on the way but they will, also, at some point become continuous & endless.....
...Spending this time in nature, staring at deep orange sunrises & astonishing sunsets, observing the intelligence of the universe and its harmonious interaction, feeling a sense of belonging with it, were life rewards for being accepting to what there was, for not giving up, for being open to these learning experiences, for having the courage to defeat doubt. I have realized how life sometimes pushes me hard to proof my strength & willingness to learn, to provoke evolution but at the end it never breaks me, solutions come whenever i trust life, when i put aside my doubts, fear, insecurity, expectations and desires and accept gratefully whatever comes to me, knowing that dreams come true, maybe not exactly when i want them and how i want them but when i can fully appreciate them and learn from them...
....I recognize that i have a great need to fulfill a purpose in this life, that its bits & pieces have been strangely revealing themselves to me thru many different experiences, but for now to continue discovering my self with all honesty and engaging in a fulfilling activity that serves other fellow humans stand out clear....
....I wish not to create attachment to material possesions as they come and go all the time, they are as trivial as their short lived existence, this doesnt mean that i despise them, i recognize that many things are useful and can potentially increase the "quality of life" but they shall not interfere in any way or have any priority in life. During this journey i have felt a great disturbance inside whenever i say "It's mine, My things, They are mine" because the truth is that nothing is mine, i have borrowed everything i have in some way or another, whatever i have at the moment is clearly for sharing with others because theres simply, no greater pleasure, so why not allow myself to relinquish this need to label them as "mine" and just change my perspective on it for one that allows me to reach out and fully share with my fellow brothers and sisters.....
....I also realize that worry about money and the so precious "security" only creates insecurity & anxiety in me, they are certainly not worth so much energy. This "security" only means that i feel so comfortable with the known & certainty that i suddenly make it into a routine and a prison of well-known behaviors, i walk every day through the same street, take the same bus, stop at the same place for coffee, react the same way to people i dislike, expect the same things from the same life situations, see everything from the same perspective of yesterday....Now i know that my real freedom lies in the uncertainty of what life brings every day making me feel new, fresh, alive, allowing me to reinvent myself from place to place, always open to whatever happens and fully experiencing this fluidity, flexibility and creativity. I wish to put all my energy into seeking more joy, more love, more laughter, more harmony and knowledge from others, realizing that happiness is not a permanent feeling, that i will experience it naturally few moments in life and other moments i will have to carry inner peace along the way....
....I deeply wish to become a more accepting person, to learn to welcome people, situations and events as they are and not as i wish they were , realizing that everything is as it should be, that my opinions about them are useless and won't probably change anything. Believing that the experiences that i attract in life are the ones i need at this moment for positive changes to happen, relinquishing this constant struggle against what is, giving up to my expectations & feelings of dissapointment when things don't seem to go my way considering that everything could probably be different in the future, but maybe they are not, just now...
...All this doesn't mean that i don't set goals in life, i still have the intention of going in a certain direction but i realize that between one point in time and another there is infinite possibilites, and that i have all the freedom in the world to change directions if i find a higher ideal...I don't wish to become part of any specific sub-worlds, to the hippie community, the spiritual ones, the healing, the party goers, the consumist, the gay world, etc.....I don't wish to follow any particular life-style standards. I do, however, enjoy very much sharing time with people from all paths of life, sharing ideas, dreams, thoughts, feelings and mixing all the different colors to appreciate different perspectives in a big picture where everything is possible and everyone is welcomed not just "like-minded" people....
....So here i write my last heart-felt thoughts that became a personal prayer asking the universe for guidance and support to make these lines become a magical reality:
TODAY, I RELEASE MY EXPECTATIONS OF TOTAL HAPPINESS, HARMONY, BLISS & LOVE...
I LET GO OF IDEAS ABOUT "SUCCESS IN LIFE" & MY EXTREME FEAR OF FAILURE....
I ACKNOWLEDGE & TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR MY REALITY & LIFE CIRCUMSTANCES AS THEY ARE.....
I LET GO OF A NEED TO MAKE MYSELF RIGHT AND OTHERS WRONG, AND TO CONVINCE OTHERS OF MY POINT OF VIEW....
I SHARE WITH EVERYONE THE EXCITEMENT ABOUT THE UNKNOWN AND MYSTERIES ABOUT WHAT LIES AHEAD...
I REVEAL MY OWN TRUTH, THAT IS MY OWN FAITH, A FAITH IN DESTINY AND THE INTELLIGENCE OF THE UNIVERSE WHATEVER I ENCOUNTER: PAIN, BLISS, FEAR, LOVE, FRUSTRATIONS, ARE ALL PERFECT AND ONE WITH EVERYTHING....
I LET GO OF IDEALS TO ALLOW ALL POSSIBILITIES TO EMERGE....
I GIVE GIVE GIVE TO EVERYONE MY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, LAUGHTER, APPRECIATION & PRAYERS WITH THE PUREST INTENTION....
I RECEIVE GRATEFULLY EVERY GIFT FROM LIFE, ACCEPT UNCERTAINTY AS AN ESSENTIAL PART OF MY EXPERIENCE REMAINING OPEN TO ALL POSSIBILITIES AND ENJOYING EVERY MOMENT IN THIS LIFE JOURNEY SURRENDERING MY DESIRES TO THE UNIVERSE....
I RELEASE MY DEEP DESIRES WITH NO EXPECTATIONS, ATTACHMENTS OR ANXIETY KNOWING THAT THEY WILL BLOOM WHEN THE SEASON IS RIGHT...
I DROP OFF FEELINGS OF INEQUALITY & INFERIORITY KNOWING THAT LIFE HAS GIVEN ME THE POTENTIAL OF ACHIEVING WHATEVER I SET UP FOR....
I PRACTICE NON-RESISTANCE TO WHAT IS FINDING CONTENTMENT IN WHATEVER LIFE CIRCUMSTANCE I AM LIVING...
I STAY ALERT TO MY WORD AND INTENT FOR IT TO COME FROM MY HEART KEEPING IT AWAY FROM COMPLAINING OR CRITIZICING...
I CULTIVATE LOVE, KINDNESS & COMPASSION TO REACH OUT OTHERS REMINDING MYSELF THE ESSENCE OF HUMANITY.....
I ASK THE UNIVERSE FOR GUIDANCE NOT TO LET MY EMOTIONS RUN ME OVER, INSTEAD LOOK FOR EMOTIONAL SUPPORT INSIDE ME....
I LET GO OF THE FEAR TO OPEN UP AND GIVE MYSELF EMOTIONALLY EVEN IF I DON'T FEEL CORRESPOND EQUALLY...
I DISCOURAGE RATIONALIZATIONS & DECEITFUL THOUGHTS AND WELCOMES HONESTY & INTEGRITY WITH THE TRUTHFUL PURPOSE TO RECONCILE MY OWN CONFLICTING PARTS....
I LET GO OF THE BURDEN OF DEFENSIVENESS, FEAR & INSECURITY TO BECOME LIGHTHEARTED, JOYFUL AND EXPERIENCE......MY SIMPLE FREEDOM!!!!! Peace,
Andres
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Verena Dudde
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So incredibly beautiful!! your last writings touched my deeply. thank you so much for sharing, andres!