Leaving The Liberty . . .

The last couple weeks on the ship have been busy. I've been running my usual program. I've been training my replacement. I've been returning to my cabin after work and doing more work, preparing for jobs back home that start only a few days after my return. I've been getting off the ship in every port, trying to still take full advantage of travelling. I've been going out most nights, trying to enjoy the company of people I would soon be leaving.

After the glorious day out in Grand Turk, Jody and I went to Supper Club. (I just had to have that final dose of escargot, lobster, chocolate . . .) I had a good night out in the disco. The last night on the ship, the camp girls threw a bit of a going away party for myself and the other two camp girls - Petra & Lucie - who were also leaving.

Under it all, I've been a wreck. I hate the inevitable goodbyes that come along with ship life.

But the moment I have dreaded and avoided even really thinking about has passed. I've said goodbye. And I was upset and awful and angry with myself ro being so upset about it all. I like leaving people remembering me smiling. I was told that it isn't really goodbye. Not for the people that matter most.

I was scheduled for a late flight that was going to get me into Toronto around midnight. Which would have meant a full day sitting around Miami. But I managed to switch flights, was in Toronto shortly after noon, and home in Dunnville before the Liberty would have even set sail! It was great to not waste the day waiting around, but it happened so quickly, I didn't really have a chance to wrap my head around it all. I felt stunned. In disbelief. I still feel that way.

Everyone asks if I'm ready to go home. I'm certainly excited to see people back home that I love and I've missed. That is huge. I'm also ready for a break from work here. (Not a break from work, cause that I'm just not getting - three days til the next job starts!) But I'm ready to do some teaching. Club O2 is fun. But I miss feeling like I'm expanding minds and changing lives. Though I'm feeling at a bit of a loss about what the fall and beyond will bring. Jody says I think too far ahead.

The second question everyone asks is if I'll be going back to the ships again. I'd like to. I've got work back home until the fall and some personal things to sort out and I also need a vacation! But I'd like to go back. We'll see how things work out between now and the fall.

The question I keep asking myself is what this contract has been about. My first contract, I feel like I really grew up. Even through the rather irresponsible and free-style living that comes with ship life, I felt like I left much more grown up than how I arrived. I learned about fear and facing it. I learned about adventure and risk taking and living in the moment fully. Living life fully. For a long time throughout this contract, I believed this time was about Destiny. Finding it. Beginning the next chapter of my life. I'm not certain that's the case anymore. I feel like I'm going home with more questions and uncertainty. I lack a sense of what this has all been about.

The upcoming weeks, even months, are going to be hectic. I'm so drained, but must push through, because so much is about to happen. Somewhere in there though, I'm hoping to find some moments to myself. Some moments of peace. I hope in those moments to have a chance to think back on what all this away has been about.

I feel different. I am different.

Where to go from here . . .

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