Sorry about Porto... or Lloyd Porto clearly didn't live up to Lloyd Smith's high expectations, which is a shame. The city, for many of us, is beautiful, the people open and friendly. It's history goes back to Celts and perhaps the Phoenicians. It is, however, a city in northern Portugal, the poorest part of the poorest country in western Europe-- and has been poor for almost two centuries (hence the decrepit buildings-- Disneyland it is not). The economic crisis now hitting the whole world is hitting Portugal harder (the minimum wage is lower, and the prices higher, than Spain or France, so many families are broken up while the husband works elsewhere and sends what he can home). The culture of Portugal is different from that to which Lloyd is clearly accustomed-- for one thing, the Portuguese don't drink as much as Australians, Americans, or Brits, and so not being able to find an alcoholic drink easily on a Sunday afternoon in this Catholic country is not, to the locals, surprising or distressing.
I am sorry that Porto so disappointed Lloyd. In general, the food here is quite good (providing you stick to Portuguese dishes), and the wines are some of the best in the world. The beer is okay-- but in Portugal, as in much of Europe, there is no expectation that it will be served lower than "cellar temperature", and many Portuguese prefer water, soft drinks, etc. at room temperature. Again, a cultural difference that Lloyd apparently wasn't prepared for.
A good rule of thumb is to explore a new place by trying to see it from within its own culture, and not superimpose your own onto it. You can learn more, have a better time, and alienate fewer people. [I say this after having lived and worked in the US, Brazil, Switzerland, Korea, the Caribbean, Japan, and now Portugal (while visiting many more places), and having my undergraduate degree in cross-cultural communications.]
Thanks Lloyd Yep, thanks Lloyd for what has been a thoroughly entertaining couple of months. I've put off my plans to tour Africa and Portugal at least - not because I don't like what I read - love it in fact. It's just that I feel I've already lived it. How could I top those Lloydly adventures? Porto bothers me a bit. For your sake, I'm glad you're leaving - imagine grog sales ceasing at 1PM Sat. This place was just not set up for you. Don't know how you got through it old man, though the shouting people in adoration of the Lloyd seems to have gone over your head. I expect it was like the masses gathering under your window as in "Brian". Thanks again Lloyd. Safe journey home. Catch up soon.
Bonking Backpackers Lloyd, I have this mental image of you eating your way into a cask of cheap wine while bonking Norwegians in the next room are taking forever to orgasm. The scene unfolds before me thus. You are feeling the urge to shout and scream at them: ‘Shut the f**k Up!’, but you’ve forgotten the words to use. Your mother tongue is rusty from lack of use. Your English has withered on the vine and has deserted you. In recent weeks you’ve had to get by, by pointing, gesturing and gesticulating. So, in desperation, you wave your arms about and use a shooshing motion with a finger to your lips but sadly this has no effect and the bonking continues unabated. Finally, in defeat, you pull a pillow over your head and by sheer force of willpower you turn your thoughts to things more soothing. And then that old, familiar, reassuring image of a plate of nachos comes in view. A smile flickers on your lips.
wisdom Well Lloyd... the end of your most celebrated and intrepid adventures looks like coming to an end soon. What astonishes me....leaves me absolutely speechless... is the total lack of detail regarding any dalliances. Do you really mean to tell us that you have crossed several continents, made untold numbers of new acquaintances and yet... NOT A SAUSAGE? It beggars belief really. Or is it what you have NOT told us? Am I looking in the wrong places? Should I be reading between the lines? Is this really the Sad Story of the Celibacy Sojourn? Why, even the Bishop of Rome who voyaged here recently is said to have joined the Mile High Club. What? Not even the iron willed determination of the 007 regular chick could float your boat? She may as well have carried a huge sign... "LLOYD, I AM HERE. TAKE ME. I AM YOURS" Well, exactly. Most disturbing.
So, what have you learned from all this Lloyd? Have you acquired wisdom? Do you have the Wisdom of the Ages? I mean... what IS the sound of one gland napping?
Buck up, old man. There's still a week to go.
Your screenplay. Lloyd, great to hear you've got yourself into a nice productive rut. And you've only got fifteen more pages to go on your screenplay? I'm amazed that you know exactly the number of pages you haven't yet written? You may be blind but you are far-sighted in a very different way. Dave said to send him a copy of the screenplay with or without those last fifteen pages. Unexpectedly, he had to fly up to Darwin on some sort of immigration business, so I've been dealing with Brooke in the meantime. Yesterday, I popped into the video store to return some DVD's and I discovered that the name of your book is almost finalized. The working title is: ‘Lloyd Smith's Sexy Travel Blog’. Catchy title, eh? And Brooke wants to know if there's a part in your screenplay for a young, kooky blonde in a mini-skirt? I told her that if not, then you could re-write the screenplay to sqeeze her in. Can you do that ASP?
It's uncanny really, isn't it? The very moment I read of TC's experiences with Do-It-Yourself Dave's salubrious organisation and his business dealings with Brooke, an image - as clear as day, as sharply defined as a new razor - popped into my mind. Whose face (and other bits) do YOU see when you think of Brooke? Of course, we all know - Gair. Don't lie. You know that's who you see.
Is this the only blog where there are more words in the Added Comments section than in the original blog itself?
Oh dear, did somebody say mattress to Mr Lambert? Terry's memory blanks appear to have gone beyond his normal bodgy recollections of stuff that may or may not have happened twenty-five years ago (and of WHO exactly it might have happened to). Now he's imagining recent phone converations that never occurred. Still, I'll accept credit for ‘Europe On The Smell Of Half a Shoestring’, because it's not half bad. On the evergreen topic of Lloyd In A Restaurant Attempting To Order Something He Can Identify, I am currently being haunted by the image of LS and an Iberian Michael Caine agreeing on the word "mooooo" as a way of identifying the concept of "steak", each of them doing charades of the herding of cattle while imitating the Blues Brothers singing the "Rawhide" theme. Rollin'. rollin', rollin'.................
Title for your new book? Lloyd, quick update! Got an email just now from Dave from the Video Store. He needs a title to your book ASP. I emailed him back and suggested ‘The Sightless Sightseer’. He came back at me with some suggestions of his own. Apparently, he’s thinking along the lines of ‘A Blind Man’s Sexual Conquest of Europe’ or ‘Mr Blindy Gets Lucky’ or ‘The Amorous Adventures of Mr Magoo’. Personally, I think these titles are all too ‘low-brow’, but you yourself have said that ‘dross sells’, so what’s your feeling? I phoned ME and he suggested: ‘Europe On The Smell Of Half a Shoestring’. Your thoughts?
thank you Lloyd...if Bieres Sans Frontieres is your greatest gift to humanity, then nobody could say that you don't deserve to win the Nobel Peace Prize. A noble, selfless act which could bring an end to the suffering of countless millions worldwide. You are a great humanitarian Lloyd and, on behalf of the species, I offer you my deep gratitude. Salut
You have to multiply everything Mr Lambert says by three. Otherwise, he's perfectly all right. Terry's mastery of mathematics is, of course, surpassed only by his extraordinarily accurate memory. I remain fascinated by the typos, Lloyd. "Hazardless" materials??? Or was that deliberate? It's getting harder to tell.
Good News and Bad News Lloyd, I've got some good news and some bad news. First the bad news. McGraw-Hill weren't interesting in your scribblings. They said something to the effect that 'tedious travel diaries are a dime a dozen. We’ve already got Bill Bryson.’ This was very disappointing but I had better luck at 'Dave’s Do-It-Yourself Publishing Emporium and Video Hire'. Dave was not available but his assistant, Brooke, liked your blog heaps! Must admit I was surprised because she had only read the ‘Melbourne To Coolangatta’ entry. Brooke actually only read a few lines, but she said she liked your opening sentence: ‘After a tiring and stressful pre-trip I embarked on my journey back to Europe.’ Brooke said ‘Great opening sentence’! Now, here’s the good news, Lloyd. They’re willing to publish your blog! There are three conditions however. First, we have to pay for all publishing costs. Secondly, they take a 45% cut of any sales from the book and their final condition is that you rewrite ‘certain parts’ of this blog to ‘inject sexual tension’? Now, I don’t believe this last condition is really necessary but it’s not every day you get a book published, is it? So, with my 40% and their 45%, this leaves you with only 10% of the profits. I assume you’re happy with this deal? OK, then please send a cheque for $1,500 made out to ‘Brooke’ and we’ll get the wheels in motion, pronto! Told you I knew how to hustle. And, Lloyd, keep on churning out the gold!
What, half a dinari for me bloody life story?!! Allow me to add my voice to the growing chorus of requests for a recording of the Portuguese Metal Detector Sketch. At least tell us the name of the show, so that we can search for it on YouTube, and so that TC can track it down for inclusion on the Extras disc of the DVD of the book of the blog. And, since I'm on THAT subject let me note that I was right to predict that he would be raising his fee. Now it's 40%! Can 50% be far away?
Pingo Doce See if you can find out from a staff member at P.D. if they have any plans of invading Australia. They would be a welcome addition to the supermarket scene down under. Imagine: Coles, Safeway, I.G.A., Aldi and Pingo Doce! With a quaint name like that and stock which seems to exclusively consist of pastries and booze, how can they fail? (Especially in a nation soon to overtake the U.S. in the fatty boombah stakes.) No doubt you have read by now in The Coimbra Tribune how the tigers have sacked Greg Miller. What's the world coming to? First they threaten to make the eight, then they sack Miller.
Of course all this happens when you're out of the country. Stay out of the country long enough and they'll win the flag. I agree with J.C. ; why should we back home be deprived of missing out on an Iberian Benny Hill. Tape the infamous sketch comedy show. Failing that track down bootleg copies or go to Pingo Doce. They haven't let you down yet.
... and you can't even get a glass of Watney's Red Barrel because you're still in England and the bloody bar closes every time you're thirsty! Sorry, Lloyd, but you are being slowly eased out of the conversation down here in the Yellow Submarine. JC, you are not going to find Bock anywhere around these parts. You can, however, pick up a case of Chang beer in Murphy's for a mere $40, and it's the best beer currently available in Greensborough. Take it from a red wine drinker: I know what I'm talking about. You should get some in for when Smedley McKnocklebrick arrives in Chiang Mai, because I guarantee that the mentions of Chang in that fair city's blog entries will make the Portugal Bock references appear obscure, rare and elusive. You have absolutely no idea. Stand on me.
Holing up in your room Lloyd, you’re not helping! I’ve apologized for my part but I believe I’m now owed an apology in return. In yesterday’s PM to me you graciously agreed to my demand for 35%, but you’re making my job very difficult, Mr Smith. I have to hawk these jottings to the publishers of the world and you holing up in your room isn’t exactly the stuff of best sellers! I’m going to have to put in some real spin when I pitch these ramblings to McGraw-Hill tomorrow afternoon. Accordingly, my fee has now risen to 40%. I’ll assume this is OK with you unless you add a special comment of your own down here in the comments section. I’m also dismayed to discover that your daily word count continues to dwindle? Barely 300 words for yesterday’s effort? And most of that about peanuts? Lloyd, you’re making me earn my dough here man!
Bockless in Greensy How frustrating Mr.Smith. I've tried all the Dan Murphys and other slosh outlets here, but alas, no Bock to be had. You really whetted my appetite but sadly, I cannot wet my whistle. Ah well, at least I won't be confounded by the age old dilemma: the money or the Bock. I say Lloyd, my myopic mobile man, any chance of recording a few episodes of the metal detector sketch? Could make some sad old men at home very happy. And along those lines... any word from your Lisbon Portu Gal? Don't tell me you didn't even leave a forwarding address...Tsk! Glad to hear you are still intent on getting blind. Tawny port can be like that. Qantas having an ordinary run over here. Might be best to give them a miss. Play it safe - what about Garuda?
I drink, therefore I am. Home brand tawny port. Words fail me. If you're drinking porto in Coimbra, what are you going to drink in Porto? And why has Terry gone all gooey and sentimental, overturning the practice of a lifetime (two lifetimes, really, considering his age)? He turned in a blinder (at least two puns in that if you look for them) with his "Lloyd's Life In One Paragraph" entry: now he's apologising for it! Is he angling for MORE than 35%? Cynical minds want to know.
Good Sport Lloyd, you're a good sport. I've been having a bit of fun with you in this comment section and you've taken it very well. I apologize if I've offended you with any of my little jokes. I know you can laugh at yourself and I count you as a good friend. I've enjoyed reading your blog for the same reasons that JC alludes to. You cover the mundane stuff, the frustrations, the little moments, the tedious things that happen when travelling and this makes your journal all the more interesting, quirky and different. I hope you're enjoying yourself and having fun in Coimbra. Where to next? What are your plans? And what about my 35%?
What have the Romans ever done for us? As I said earlier, I think that Coimbra looks like a very attractive place. The hilly streetscapes are, of course, specially designed to raise the demand for Bock, as is the climb up the hotel stairs, as evidenced by the photograph of the vertiginous view from the top. How do you negotiate that after six or eight Super Bocks?. On a technical note, I must say that I'm not sure that Portugal was ever under the sway of "Stalinist" architecture (however badly spelled). There must be another explanation for that building. I love those aqueducts. Can you climb them and is there actually any aqua in the duct?
rhythm Just one moment Lloyd... you "march to a different beat, one that is usually out of tune". Probably out of step or out of rhythm or something, but do not for one moment let me tell you how to write. Lloyd, it doesn't matter to me whether you are in step, out of step, in tune, discordant... it all works for me. Your writing has me glued to my computer screen. You have a gift for it old man - perhaps because you do allow youself to report on the mundane. Where it would never occur to other writers to inform us of the effect of every single mouthful consumed or the tragic predictability of the air con farce, you find a way to make us believe we are there with you. I must say, I was impressed by TC's synopsis of your daily routine (25/7). Makes me think... why am I not doing it?
It's only a flesh wound! Hints and vague references in the blog, combined with prior knowledge and an almost uncanny sense of the inevitable have led me to conclude that some time within the next few weeks you will touch down in Darwin, kiss the ground, get yourself photographed with a stuffed koala as evidence of residency, and bounce back to South-East Asia almost as suddenly as you arrived. Am I right? Thence, obviously, to Chiang Mai. Are you aware that Thailand and Cambodia have had something of a "skirmish" along the border not far from there? Still, probably nothing compared to the coup d'état that happened the last time you were there. Poor little Cambodia really has no chance of winning any kind of conflict with a nation that has ten times its population and fifty times its wealth.
Coimbra - Word Count Ok, you've clocked up a total of 8,890 words thus far on the comely city of Coimbra. This makes your total word count for your book 'The Sightless Sightseeer' now 57,600 words! And that, my friend, is a novella right there! With your permission, Lloyd, I have appointed myself your personal literary agent. My cut will be 35% of any earnings from these musings. OK, I know that's on the high side but I get results and I will get this brilliant blog published on your behalf, have no fear! I know that you're in no position to hawk your own wares awash in Super Bock as you are. So do we have a deal?
Your daily routine Lloyd, let me try to summarize your average day in Coimbra. It’s up at the crack of 9:30 am. Downstairs for the usual two small ‘micro-coffees’ (At the micro price?) Then around 10:30 am it’s off to the Internet Café. The guy who runs the joint has your favorite chair and cushion ready for you. He plugs you into cyberspace. You check your email and tap out a few words to update your Blog, then it’s off to look for food. You find a restaurant, sit down, get ignored and leave. You find another restaurant and point to anything on the menu that looks remotely familiar. It arrives with bread on the side. You eat it all even if you don’t particularly like it because, logically, you’ve paid for it? While you’re there, you knock back a couple of bottles of Bock. Then it’s back to your room for your usual three hour afternoon siesta. Siesta over, you head downstairs looking for food. You find a restaurant. Nobody serves you. You get up and leave. You take a seat at another restaurant and tell the waiter ‘the usual’. Some kind of food arrives. You’re not sure what it is, so you decide to finish that bottle of red first. Then you polish off the food. You ask the waiter what it was and discover you’ve just eaten ‘Goat Guts’ or some such. You decide to round the meal off with two or three more Bocks. You wander back to your room just in time to catch up your favorite sketch comedy show. You chuckle away quietly while easing into a fine glass of Scotch, or three. Then it’s lights out to join the fairies.
Now, for me, that would amount to the perfect holiday!
By the way, when are you planning on leaving Coimbra?
We use only the finest baby frogs, dew picked and flown from Iraq... In the interests of completeness, I should also mention that here's a Frog lurking down here in the yellow bit. His amphibian shyness continues to disguise him, but, make no mistake, he is here. I am sure that he will have thoughts on the culinary wisdom of mixing sultanas, sweet bread and tuna. It's original, I'll give you that. Almost as bizarre as dumping a packet of crisps on the top of just about anything, a speciality of the cuisine of the second most populous nation on Earth. But not as bizarre as serving coffee in a glass. No way, no sir, there has to be some limit to the craziness!
I guess I'm a travel junkie. I find new places and people stimulating. I grow bored easily in the same environment and crave new experiences. I also find that travel is an excellent way of losing weight. ... full info
Francis
non-member comment
Sorry about Porto... or Lloyd
Porto clearly didn't live up to Lloyd Smith's high expectations, which is a shame. The city, for many of us, is beautiful, the people open and friendly. It's history goes back to Celts and perhaps the Phoenicians. It is, however, a city in northern Portugal, the poorest part of the poorest country in western Europe-- and has been poor for almost two centuries (hence the decrepit buildings-- Disneyland it is not). The economic crisis now hitting the whole world is hitting Portugal harder (the minimum wage is lower, and the prices higher, than Spain or France, so many families are broken up while the husband works elsewhere and sends what he can home). The culture of Portugal is different from that to which Lloyd is clearly accustomed-- for one thing, the Portuguese don't drink as much as Australians, Americans, or Brits, and so not being able to find an alcoholic drink easily on a Sunday afternoon in this Catholic country is not, to the locals, surprising or distressing. I am sorry that Porto so disappointed Lloyd. In general, the food here is quite good (providing you stick to Portuguese dishes), and the wines are some of the best in the world. The beer is okay-- but in Portugal, as in much of Europe, there is no expectation that it will be served lower than "cellar temperature", and many Portuguese prefer water, soft drinks, etc. at room temperature. Again, a cultural difference that Lloyd apparently wasn't prepared for. A good rule of thumb is to explore a new place by trying to see it from within its own culture, and not superimpose your own onto it. You can learn more, have a better time, and alienate fewer people. [I say this after having lived and worked in the US, Brazil, Switzerland, Korea, the Caribbean, Japan, and now Portugal (while visiting many more places), and having my undergraduate degree in cross-cultural communications.]