Noth Vietnam - Meh

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Alrighty. Vietnam. Cam and I had had enough of Laos and went about getting our Vietnam visas (which took 3 days) and a hefty $55 bucks. I didnt mind the wait all too much as I was coming down with something and could use the rest after too much indulgence in Vang Vieng. Eventually the time came (and I had become sicker, probably due to not eating for most of the 3 days. Actually did a 40 hour famine!) and we hopped on the 28 hour bus. The idea was to go from Vang Vieng and change at Vientienne, then head to the border, change again and head to Hanoi. I was feeling pretty shit but kept my chin up and flatout refused to spew. When we arrived at Vientienne we found our terminal and got shuffled around about 3 times. Seriously, we followed a guy onto one bus, sat down, got relaxed and then received a no, no come on this bus from another guy... we get on the next bus and then from yet another guy no, no, no get on this bus... made no sense at all. All 3 were going to Hanoi... being grumpy already I almost cracked the shits at the increasingly stupid bus agents who wouldnt be able to agree how many testicles they had! Still, after and hour of Laotian orgainising we were on the road (starting around 7pm). We paid a little extra for a sleeper bus, but unfortunately the seats are designed for the locals, not burly men such as Cam and myself. Furthermore, they placed us next to each other so the journey had the makings of a tin of sardines. After a rather funny flat tire at around 10pm, we got to the border at around 2am. The border does not actually open until around 7am and anyone who has been to a similar border knows that one will find more organisation in a under 6's football match. Western culture has slowly trickled down into the region but the concept of queuing in line has not. Seriously, you will be standing in the front of the line and people will try to shove you out of the way and start yelling at the customs officer. Hey, im standing here and im bigger than you. Sentences such as "Push me again and ill break your teeth!" were running through my mind but one must respect the local culture, so instead I just gritted said teeth. About 2 hours later I got my passport back and wished Cam good luck. Interestingly, we were not allowed to ride the bus through no mans land, so I collected my passport and upon instruction from the Laotian Officer, I began walking in the direction of Vietnam. There was no one in front of me, it was raining, I was cold and sick and getting the feeling that I was lost. The walk was about 2 kms! How anyone came up with this idea is beyong me but I got there in the end. I was getting worried about Cam but around an hour later the more submissive and subdued little brother of mine showed up with a big grin on his face. Some people need drugs to be happy, Cam just enjoyed the experience of it all! There was another 12ish hours until Hanoi. I dont remember much of the journey except for seeing lots of rice paddies, being somewhat over being on the bus and trying not to spew or die.

Believe it or not we actually got to Hanoi in one piece, despite the best efforts of our driver, and before we knew it, some guy was carrying our bags into the nearest guesthouse against my will. However, I was very shot of will by this point so very meekly we just followed them into the reception and checked in (one might say I was submissive by this point). So finally we were in Vietnam. I decided that in order to improve my health, I would use the 2 most famous Willcox home remedies, Chicken Noodle soup and Lemonade. Having zero strength at this point, I sent Cam out in search for my soup and I bought 2 cans of Sprite from the guest house reception. Finding a most chatty receptionist, he proceeded to tell me, in fantastic English, that Lemonade is actually counterproductive for stomach related maladies and I should just drink water. He was so insistent on this point that after 2 minutes listening to his prognosis, in no uncertain terms I told him I really didnt care about his opinion and I was doing what worked for me. Under further examination from the receptionist/doctor, he told my the sugar was bad for my teeth and stomach, at which point all I remember doing is leaving too much money on the table and said I wont be talking about it anymore! It was eerily reminiscent of the many anti-softdrink lectures Mum gave to me over the years. Im obliged to listen to my mum, but not this guy! Sidenote: Cam never brought me the noodle soup, so another dinnerless night!

The next day I looked at myself in the mirror and reckon its probably the slimmest I have been since about 15 and noticed that I no longer had anything resembling calf muscles In the space of 5 days I had eaten the same calories that I would consume on a run of the mill afternoon. Cam and I set off exploring the town. Hanoi probably has the worlds crasiest streets. To cross the road, at anytime of day, one must use all of their cunning and guile. NEVER will there be a gap in the traffic. NEVER. One must walk out into moving traffic if they are to cross the street. While somewhat resembling a chess match and a battle of wits between the scooter drivers and the pedestrians, it really wasnt nearly as dangerous as it seems. Much like getting into a relationship with somebody with AIDS, you just need to be aware of the dangers and how best to proceed! So doing as the locals do, and putting our lives into our feet, we managed to visit some of the places Hanoi is famous for. Going to the Ho Chi Minh monument was pretty special, the Ho Chi Minh Museum not so much (all just properganda crap), the war museum was good though with the tanks and left over helicopters, crashed planes etc. I had a good time but Cam definately enjoyed himself more than I did, buying loads from the local markets and getting into the tourist circuit I had been keeping him from. Still, when it was time to leave we were both pretty happy about it and caught a rickshaw to the train station to Hue. 2 rather serious problems hindered my enjoyment of Hanoi though. First obviously being my sickness and weakness but the second being how wet and miserable it was. Im all for doing fun things during the day, but what I enjoy most about travelling is meeting new people, having a new beer in a new bar and taking in new surroundings. I was on no beer, no cigarettes at this point (lasted for 2 weeks in all) so the rain hindered most of the day time activities and the sickness prevented night time socialising. Furthermore, the rain was expected to be far worse in the north and to the east, so the best North Vietnam had to offer had been taken off the table. No Ha Long or Cat Ba Island, no Dien Bien phu. Rumour had it, that the further south we went, the more likely there would be sun.

I wont waste time talking about Hue, Nha Trang, Da Lat and Sapa (which we skipped all together). About 6 days were spent in search of sand and sunshine in vain. Im sure Nha Trang could be lovely, having a little of a Gold Coast or Barcelona vibe to it, but I wouldnt be able to tell you as I was by this point on Anti-Biotics (turns out that I had Bronchitis and coupled with some weird blood infection from my Thailand/Laos injuries) and spending most of my time in bed while Cam went out and did his own thing, which while hilarious, I have recently become aware that my parents read this blog so will not be so liberal with details!

I will mention that I had a less than enjoyable birthday in Hue. Our hotel (the Green Bamboo I think) was pretty excellent and Cam was lovely enough to buy me a bottle of Johnny Walker Black but I was in no state to enjoy it. Waiting for the train to Nha Trang to arrive will stick with me my whole life. People always use the expression "im starving" regularly enough, but I was in a different sense. You know that feeling when you stomach just really does not want food but your body NEEDS it? It had gotten to the point where eating a small cookie was like climbing a mountain, eating the 2nd one equally difficult. My body had used up the considerable stores of fat around my person was now running on empty. Right up there with the worst ive ever felt. In order to remedy the situation and increase my stomach size, I skulled about 300 mls of water and jumped out of my plastic, terminal seat in case of spewage. After 10 minutes of increased saliva, no spew came and 20 minutes later I was able to eat another 2 or 3 cookies! Small victory, in the mould of Arsenal caining Blackburn in the EPL the other day, but it made me so much happier. During the day, Cam made a trip to the train station to buy our tickets, but as this was a couple of days before Chrissie, they were sold out. In an act of true backpacking, Cam found a guy who was willing to sell some tickets to sleep in the guards cabin at a slightly lesser rate. Part of me was suspicious, the other part in awe! Once we had paid the guy, I was almost sure he was going to run off straight home to celebrate, but true to his word 2 hours later (the train was delayed, sigh) he led us to the platform. A brief arguement ensued between the guard and our little friend, but nothing 100 thousand dong couldnt fix. Our fellow cabin mates, 2 guards, looked upon us with a mix of parental care and mild amusement. Shaking of hands, loads of broken English. It was really quite a nice end to an otherwise miserable day!

So this would be the point in a movie where a rocky training montage of me getting better would take place. Adhering to a strict pill popping regiment, I felt well enough in Mui Ne to start enjoying myself again (no more feeling sorry for myself and wanting to go home). So we met up with a welsh fella, Pat, and had a fairly uneventful couple of days of bar hopping, riding motorbikes and Christmas day. On Xmas we had a massage for breakfast, steaks for lunch and turkey dinner, with all the trimmings, chrissie punch and anything else one could want for a chrissie meal. Mui Ne was the first place we actually got some proper sunshine and it was lovely enough (albeit not very cheap) however it was the first place I have ever seen restaurant menus in Russian, beaches void of swimming due to the kite surfing and senseless holiday price gorging. The seafood was fantastic and we would have stayed longer but due to the holidays, we were kicked out of our guesthouse on boxing day to make way for the holidaying locals and it was time for Saigon. But that is a tale for another day.

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