Attack of the Tiger - Vang Vieng

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Ok class, quieten down. In your seats please. Can anyone tell me where we left off last time? hmm? No it wasnt the Philippines you smart arse. Luang Prabang. Thats right. So, Arthur, Cameron and I were continuing on with our Laotian adventure. Here is a simple question. What is the first, and usually only, thing that comes to mind when one thinks about Laos? Cheap buckets, correct! And the best place for them? Tubing down the Mekong. Thats Right, its time for Vang Vieng.

3 years ago when i visited Asia I really wanted to visit but fate conspired against me and it wasnt to be. I wasnt missing it this time, no matter how many times I hugged John crapper in Luang Prabang. The 3 of us hopped into a mini bus, which dropped us off at the wrong bus station and we walked, without the benefit of a map or basic knowledge of the area, for the 3 kilometers into Vang Vieng. The heat was painful, but the scenery was pretty dam nice, what with the limestone cliffs in contrast to the murky depths of the Mekong river. We found some pretty good accomodation on the river for 10 bucks a night (including Air-Con!) and went about our business. As soon as we checked in we noticed that the english couple which have been on the same 2 previous buses as us were checked in next door, so had a chat. It turns out that the lady (cant remember her name) is a free lance photographer for the lonely planet and Johnny is a web designer, so they have spent most of the last 4 years constantly on the road. Definately puts my exploits to shame.

The idea was to go tubing on our 2nd day, so we all went out on the piss and didnt get home until about 5am. There is a saying in Vang Vieng, that the alcohol is cheaper than the mixer. Watching the bar staff pour the buckets, it is almost certainly true as you get about 500 mls of whisky and about the same of mixer per bucket, for a price in the range of 1-3 bucks. Dangerously cheap. The local poision of choice, Tiger Whisky, is just plain horrible to taste, but with some ice and sprite its much like eating a snail. Not so bad if you dont think about it too much. Problem is that you end up having 2, 3, 4 of these buckets over the course of the night. The old body, in particular the liver, can only take so much. Noticing a trend, it wasnt until the 4th day that we were healthy enough to make it up the river. Seriously, it took 3 nights for us to learn the lesson. Still there are things to do in town that pass the time. For some unexplained reason, there are a ton of bars/restaurants in town that have DVDs of Family Guy OR Friends on constant loop. Why only these 2 is a mystery in the mould of stone henge. My inner lazy was quite content to sit watching family guy, eating a steak, drinking a beer Lao. Alternatively, ther are some lovely caves and waterfalls within the region.

Cam, Arthur and I arranged to go out to the caves one morning, but Arthur was destroyed (Tiger Buckets!!) this particular morning, so Cam and I hired a motorbike each and set off around town. An hour later, the accelerator cable had snapped on Cams bike so after a long walk back to the bike shop we exchanged it for a functioning bike and set off again. To get to the caves, one must cross the pay-bridge (why does this cost money?) and treck down a 10 or so km clay road. The problem with Clay as a surface is that it doesnt like water very much. Cam, not having much experience on a scooter, set off through the mother of all puddles and lost traction, only to fall into the puddle and snap off the rear-vision mirror. Cleverly, I followed 2 meters behind and tried to pivot once Cam had blocked the path, only to find steering was temporarily suspended and drove straight into the carnage. The mass of locals around found it hilarious, stupid farangs! We eventually made it to the Blue Lagoon cave, where one can apparently swim, but the cave was pitch black, we had no torches, were wearing thongs and the sun was in the process of going down, so we turned back to return the bikes. The lady was a little suspicious at the mud all over the bikes and Cams broken mirror (now hanging limply from its socket) but we managed to get away before she raised the alarm, Sneaking off into the darkness for another night on the piss and tubing the next day.

If i ever open a bar, im going to have a mandatory free shot policy to guests upon entering the premises. When we got to the start of the river, we were greeted with a free shot of Tiger whisky. Cam, who was doing really well with the not drinking in Vang Vieng until the point, capitulated and joined us fellow alcholics in the fun. The first bar we visited, had beer pong, so Cam and I vs Arthur and random French guy with national pride at state (England were an observing but non participating nation). As with all International conflicts involving France, they started well but lost badly in the end! Australia winners by 2 cups. But in a game like this, its not who won or lost, but how drunk you get that matters. Sufficently beered up, we set off in our tubes down the mekong to the next bar in the rather cold water. The next bars, about 100 meters down the river, had flying foxes/zip lines and podiums etc from which to jump into the murky depths below. The jump was a good 5/6 meters, while the zip line had a sneaky knot towards the end so anyone who was silly enough not to notice got pole-axed and hit the water rather hard. Nothing a beer afterwards couldnt fix though. There is something uniquely bizzare about seeing people dancing in their boards shorts and bikinis to David Guetta at 1pm and being totally smahsed at the sametime. The idea behind tubing the mekong is to stop at the various bars along the river and then just relax in the water, letting the current take you the remaining 4kms of bar-less water. Yet somehow the days gets away from you. One bar had spray paint cans innocently sitting around, so obviously we had a spray paint fight. Another bar had boxing gloves around, so needless to say some gentle testorone made an appearance. One of the bars had a buy one (beer, bucket etc) get a free joint policy. Yet another bar had a massive slide I had a small accident on (more soon) where Arthur got some Aussie girls to walk around topless in. There were a couple of downers for the day though. Some of the water slides arent designed very well (eg my accident) and I landed on my liver rather than my feet one time (ouch!). At the boxing place, I deemed it necessary to use the lying around tubes to make a michelin man out of my self. The prompted Arthur to push me over, which in turn prompted me to push Arthur off the wharf into the water. Unfortunately the push wasnt strong, nor balanced enough, so I fell on top of him after he fell onto the stairs. Lovely bruises all around there. Cam was mortified (and a little embarrased) when he had a good spew. Hadnt thrown up in 5 years he reckoned. Tiger Whisky claims another victim!

Suddenly we noticed it was pitch black, and having consumed a little too much buckety goodness and free joints, so it became obvious that death awaited us if we tried to continue down the river. Fortunately tuk tuks can run people back to town for a small fee, so to pass the time we did what all good drunks do. Started singing. I really do love a good ad-hoc rendition of American Pie or Stand By Me. So much comraderie to be found in mutual drunken song lol Later at bucket bar, American Pie came on the air waves, so what started off as 4 of us sing with our arms around each other turned into about 30 people in glorious song! Dont remember much after that. Not suprisingly I was pretty sick the next day and it only got worse as the days went on. Only ate about 200 grams of food in the next 4 days and was later diagnosed with Bronchitis, which set in motion a really horrible next 2 weeks of no smoking or drinking. Actually spent 9 days in Vang Vieng, but only went tubing one time. Tried to go about 4 times... Stay away from the Tiger Whisky...

Just one note of caution. We were staying at the Riverside Bungalows. Someone broke into both Mine and Camerons rooms and stole some money from our stashes. I know hotels tell you to lock up valueables etc in their safes, but if you lock your doors then there really shouldnt be an issue unless the establishment is going to come into your room while your out and steal from you. Strangely enough, I had over $1000 USD in the stash, but only $200 was stolen. My laptop, iPOD etc untouched. Clearly this wasnt the work of a thief feeding their family but the actions of someone who did not want to bring attention to the act and hoped that I wouldnt notice (they took a similiar percentage from Cams stash as well). The manager wanted nothing to do with it and thought we were lying or stupid. As the doors were locked the only way to get in was to break the window or use the key, so my advice would be to stay away from Riverside Bungalows. Disclaimer: Would the money have been any safer in the the safe? Probably, but the manager would have used the same excuse if it was stolen from the safe as he did when it was stolen from the room.

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