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Asia » Vietnam » Central Highlands
March 24th 2007

Published: March 24th 2007

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Jaso

The Highlands in the morning

Just a glimpse of how sublime the 'Nam can be. This was taken just before daybreak and just before Mairi started whining.

Greetings Fellow Hypengyophobist's,

So after putting on another sell out performance of our Conceptual Mime Piece "Time and the sound of air in utero" we were weighing up our next move. We liked the idea of traveling across the Central Highlands on a motor bike, but the paying of 50 U.S. bills a day each kind of put it out of reach. What to do? What to do? Well at breakfast one morning in the hotel Saartje stumbled upon a neurotic, coffee drinking, chain smoking New Yorker called Matt who takes a cocktail of prescription medicine every morning and shakes like he has Parkinson’s Disease. He was traveling with a friend from New York (Mairi) and her German boyfriend Tobias. He said that they would be interested in doing something like that, but he wouldn't. This dude sleeps with a personal space invader alarm beside his bed. He is so strange yet endearing, doesn't want to do things because he thinks he might get killed. He knows all the stats on plane, train and bus crashes in any country he visits. And he travels? Zoinks eh what?
So we discussed our idea of hiring 2 easy riders and

Silk Factory

This factory is full of female wage labour. Slaving away 11 hours a day for the handsome some of $80 a month. I gotta get me a job.

3 bikes with The Jerry and the 2 Seppos and they liked the idea so much that we decided to seek out prices and options.
We got a price from a tour company for a 5 day ride from Da Lat to Hoi An taking in the Ho Chi Minh trail and other sights for about $650 for 5 people and 1 guide. We ran into an easy rider on the street and he said the same except we would get 2 easy riders and 3 bikes. So we decided to go with the latter option. So we had two days before we left (because Mairi wanted to do some work; she called herself a journalist, but we found out later that she re-wrote press releases for an Architects association online...journalist my arse...) and in those two days Sarah wanted to go mountain bike riding in the jungles of Vietnam, fair enough. Somehow she conned Matt (the paranoid, neurotic New Yorker) into going, who incidentally had decided to take the motor bike ride to Hoi An with us, she also managed to convince Tobias and Mairi into going as well. Now before I get into the rest of this

Moto Spazzy

Sarah brandishing her famed Eric Astrada look from the 70's cop show "Chips"

tale, I should offer a word about Mairi. Mairi is the personification of the reason people hate Americans the world over. She's loud, obnoxious, embarrassingly naive and dumb all with a constant predilection to complain, too harsh? Not a chance in fact I'm being overly generous here, Sarah wanted me to use the words, mole, tart, slapper, retarded Finn and gooba. So now that you have a picture of Mairi I can continue with the story.
I sat this one out, I had this foreboding feeling, plus I know Sarah and she goes fully sick poo mad on a downhill bike. The four of them toddled of to the tour company and selected brand new bikes which had arrived that morning. They were then loaded into a van and taken to a downhill course. It was pretty good apparently, but a little technical, it was easy for the Women's Downhill Champion of World Sarah, but the others found it a little difficult. Then the clouds rolled in, it poured down and everyone fell off because the mud became so deep and thick that the wheels on the bikes refused to turn. And yes the Americans complained like the loud,

Moto Legend

Jaso after falling from his 100cc Moto, after trying to negotiate a 75deg bend at 278kmh. Luckily his days working with the 'Shit Scared' team taught him to land safely and without injury. Thanks Robbie and Mick!

scared little bitches they are! It was hilarious seeing them all tramp back rain soaked and muddy. Saartje had a wonderful time but the others (with the exception of the Jerry, who was pretty cool) were whining and complaining like someone had robbed them. I wanted to tell them shut their pie-holes but that wouldn't have started the trip off well. So I kept my mouth shut. But that bad experience was enough to ward Matt off the trip and he pulled out at the last minute and got a bus to Nha Trang instead. Loser.

So we were to meet the Easy Riding dudes downstairs the following morning at 8am. This was too early for Mairi she complained, so I planted the choicest Liverpool Kiss on the bridge of her nose and told her (in American Parlance) to: "Make sure your shit is wired tight other wise I'm gonna git me some". I just made it up but she seemed to understand. But it didn't work because she and Jerry were 40 minutes late. Another Liverpool Kiss was administered, but you can only help a person so much. So after our late departure we headed up into

E.G.O.

Some of the millions of kids that my charity helps in Vietnam. Boy did their lives improve after a visit from me.

the mountains on our way to Lak Lake, the biggest natural lake in Vietnam and on the way we stopped at a silk factory where Mairi proceeded to try on every silk garment they had for about 45 minutes. It was astounding and in the end she bought nothing... The ride was fantastic, steep and winding although what was once thick jungle is now nothing but an agent orange infected moonscape. Such a shame. We made it to Lak Lake in the afternoon and found our lodgings which overlooked the serenity of the lake itself. It was idyllic, for three of us, but one of us had a big, whining bitch of a mouth on us and wouldn't shut the faark up. "Aww the food is terrible, awww the mosquitoes bite, I'm an American, its not like this in America, I'm a whiny turd and I can't understand why no one likes me...."

Dak Lake is a pretty small town, built on coffee, timber and fishing. There isn't much there and they don't get too many foreign types there either. So basically things are pretty sparse. In the morning when Mairi asked the waitress (in full and fast English)

Climb all over the round eye!

These kids were heaps of fun and made excellent pick pockets. Mairi still doesn't know where her wallet is.

for an omelette with cheese and tomato and a cup of coffee with fresh milk, Saartje and I nearly fell off our seats. We looked at her as if to say "You really don't think your going to get that do you?" But she didn't twig. She got the omelette and complained with: "They forgot the cheese and tomato..." Christ Almighty. She even then complained that there was no Wi-Fi in her room! She even brought her laptop with her! Jeeeeesus.

After this utter outrage we loaded up and visited a few Ethnic minority villages. You can really tell the difference between the Ethnic minorities and the Vietnamese. There are 54 different Ethic groups in Vietnam and most can be found in the highlands. We visited the M'nong people and while interesting it felt like they were Zoo Animals on show for us whiteys. The Ethnic minorities get well looked after by the government, they are given free schooling, cheap housing and half price sattelite TV! The government looks after them and unlike in Australia there is no bitching and moaning from the rich middle class about "Political Correctness" or "Why should they get money and we don't?" Just

Mountain Hooch

One of the many mountain towns that dot the central highlands.

shut up and get over it, worry about yourself you knobs. The Vietnamese recognise that these minorities need special looking after. It was refreshing. We stopped by one of the villages that receives massive funding from my Ethnic Groups Organisation (E.G.O. see photos) so the locals could worship my efforts. After this we took off through the mountains to a town call Bon Ma Thout. Once again the ride was truly spectacular through thick jungle and then into a desolate agent orange poisoned landscape. Buon Ma Thout was basically flattened during the war and was completely rebuilt during the 80's. It is a really pretty town and the hotel was EXTREMELY comfortable and it had WI-FI! Alright! After showering and relaxing for a bit we headed off to dinner with our guides, where we had wild pig and deer, both very illegal apparently, but damn it tasted brilliant. After this Mairi insisted on having ice cream. My GOD. Sarah and I warned her that the Ice Cream here in Vietnam is absolutely ordinary. But she wouldn't listen. She's one of the leaders of the free world remember? So we hit the ice cream cafe and she ordered some. Sarah and

Crazy Bike Shite

This dude had a full load of Jack fruit or Durian on board. I wish I had a shot of the dude who had 4 44 Gallon drums strapped to his bike.

I had the good sense not to. Mairi tried her cold confectionary item and nearly hurled. She refused to eat the rest and the utter disappointment and disgust in her voice was extremely embarrassing to everybody except her. Time to administer another Liverpool Kiss, this time Sarah had the honour. But sadly it was like hitting a brick wall with a feather. Back to the hotel.
We saddled up and headed toward Kon Tum, the site of intense fighting through the war. On the way were taken into the jungle and led down these beautiful waterfalls to this clear pool of water to have a swim and horse around. It was lovely and the water being devoid of any minerals at all made you sink like a stone and it was VERY deep. But it was just what we needed after a long hot ride. Besides it gave Sarah and I chance to practice our world champion free diving skills. Everyone was impressed. We hoped back on the bikes and headed off down the highway and stopped on the side of the road and walked off into the jungle down this small path that was surrounded by bomb craters

Elephant

We turned a corner and here was an elephant or the back end of one at least.

over grown by the jungle. This was part of the East Ho Chi Minh Trail before it was made inaccessible by American aircraft and had to be routed through Laos. It would have been tremendously difficult walking down this trail let alone ferrying supplies down it under a constant hail of American bombs. We re-mounted our bikes and made it to Kon Tum just before dark. We were taken to an orphanage for deserted Ethnic Kids which was run by French Catholic Nuns. Why we were taken here I have no idea. But it was one of the hardest things to see. Poor children, some horribly disabled from Agent Orange, all with nothing but the care of these nuns. It was tough and we all left feeling very flat. Again the feelings of guilt came to the fore when we arrived at our luxurious hotel. Dinner that night was a sullen affair.

The next morning we headed to a town called Kham Duc where there used to be a U.S. Airbase and chopper base near a place called Charlie Hill. We checked the airbase out which is now used to dry out sweet potatoes. We then stepped into

Transport

This is a rotary hoe that has two gears. They attach them to a trailer and use them to transport people, live stock and anything that will fit in the back. They have no brakes and you often pass them going down steep mountian passes.

a small shack next to the airfield where a lady sells coffee. Not only does she sell coffee she also sells dead G.I's dog tags, some real, some not. Mairi took exception to this and sadly Sarah and I had to agree with her on this, it is a pretty crook thing to do. But there were no arguments just a look of warranted disgust and quick drinking of coffee.
Leaving the airbase for our hotel we stopped at this Vietnamese dude’s house to check out some remnants of the war. Now I'm not talking about little trinkets here. This dude goes out with a mine detector and digs up all sorts of ordinance, duds and live stuff to sell for scrap. He had artillery shells, mortar rounds, M79 grenade launcher rounds, mines, bullets and bombs. It was strange and a little scary. But people who are poor often have to resort to desperate means to make a living and despite losing a brother and a nephew to ordinance that exploded when they picked it up, the dude soldiered on...so to speak.

After settling into our rooms we headed out for dinner. The Jerry couldn't make it though after

Whacky Stuff

Although blurry ( a supposed photographer took this shot) you can make out a yellow piece of hose extending 30 metres behind a dude on a bike...on the highway....

his stomach and intestines had turned to water. Again it was a whine fest and again I nearly killed myself. By this stage in the trip even the guides were complaining about Mairi, something the Vietnamese rarely do. It was fast becoming pure hell. The guides mentioned that they took trips further north than Hoi An, they take a trip up through the DMZ to Hamburger Hill, Khe Sanh, Hue and back down to Hoi An. It sounded good to us so Saartje and I agreed on a price for an extra 4 days. We were excited, but were hoping that Mairi and The Jerry (That could have been the title of a Bob Dylan song...) would opt out of the extra days. We went to bed praying that it would be so.

The following morning we awoke to the news that The Jerry had spent the night on The Jerry and couldn't continue so he Mairi and the other guide Young where heading to Hoi An and we would split that morning! You little beauty! We were happy.

What follows is an adventure in the tradition of Platoon and Caddy shack 2.

Additional photos below

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