Published: November 2nd 2011November 2nd 2011
We originally had wanted to go to Phuket down on the south of the country. However, the posh posh twat eating delivery McDonalds at my hostel in Bangkok said it was just going to be like your standard European holiday clubbing destination. So we just thought, lets head for one of Thailand's laid back hippie islands, Koh Phi Phi. I'd never heard of it before but apparently it was supposed a real backpacker experience.
After 22 hours of bus, including 5 different journey legs and about 8 hours of sleep, some air conditioned some not, lots of annoying each other, two hour stops in the middle of nowhere eating pot noodles and crisps, marvelling at three legged dogs and scorpians we arrived in Phi Phi. I didn't get a first visual impression of the island as a whole as I was busy sleeping on the bottom deck of the boat whilst John chatted up some averagely attractive scouse birds.
When I got off the boat I didn't expect there to even be much of a town, slightly primative. But once we walked into the hustle and bustle of it all we found pubs playing premier league football matches, neon lights and people trying to sell you shit left right and centre, from club promoters to rooms for rent. However, one of the western club promotions really attracted me. A free drink in exchange for taking part in a Muay Thai boxing match. I had to do it.
On telling John I was up for doing, he got quite excited. We went up to our room and he got me in the mood for it, showing me how to block whilst we played eye of the tiger through his iPod Speakers. The bar paired me up with Swedish punter of similar size, who had apparently never been in a fight either.
I've never been punched in the face, but it was strange feeling. He got me square on the nose I bit lip and was bleeding all over my face. Everything was intact though.
I don't really know how to look mean, my only experience of it is being in stage and maybe in a rugby or football match, I found it difficult when slightly tipsy with drum and base playing around me.
By the time the third round came, I just decided to go for it. I just punched and kicked vaguely in his direction. I must have looked like the boxing equivalent of when Peter Crouch attempted that horrendous volley against Trinidad and Tobago. Anyway, in the end I must have beaten him on fitness as the referee lifted my arm in the air. I won - fucking brilliant.
I felt sick afterwards but was not immediately sick. I was however sick after a night of celebration. In my bed the next morning I woke up with a patch of sick (not a patch according to Kimpton who is sitting right next to me 'but a fucking monsoon of stuff') right next to me.
Me and Kimpton would later pass a Danish guy in the street who we didn't recognise who told us "you guys were fucked up last up!" A great way to make friends.
I was fucked up though, really fucked. We found our next hostel. An air Conditioned hut on the beach for 8pounds per night each - marvellous. I felt rough ( I even slept on the restaurant floor, they tried to get me up, but I couldn't be arsed).
After one more heavy night (Kimpton through up in the night from the dodgy Thai Whisky). We were all craving actually doing some activity and meeting some people in a location other than outside a samoza stand at 4 in the morning.
We booked a boat tour to see monkeys on a beach, go snorkling and see a spectacular beach called 'maya bay'. I was keen to see who would turn up on the trip. We had a right mix of culture, three Canadians; one of which had massize jugs. A Brazilian girl that loved getting photos taken, two Chinese people that didn't make an effort to talk and two slightly plump Russians in Daniel Craig esque speedos. I'm not sure if that's the culture there but it wasn't flattering - no-one wanted to see it.
I was definitely eager to see the Monkeys as I've often been compared to one. However, I thought I ate quickly and was obsessed with food, but these monkeys were on another level. As boat after boat arrived on the beach they jumped up onto the boats and were grabbing everything: peanuts, bread, even a Russian girl's tit. The way they ate bananas reminded me of how I eat an apple, rapidly nibbling on it. One Banana gone in about two seconds. One even nicked a Donut and ran away with it. We gave it our water bottle which it drank pretty much like a human. Amazing to see an animal so close in mannerisms to a human.
We moved on to 'Maya Beach' most famous as the setting for Danny Boyle's film 'The Beach'. If you imaged the place without anyone it was bloody incredible and the thought of that (and the Monkeys) made me happy and actually helped me sleep that night. However, if you forgot about the surroundings and just looked at the people, you could be in Fuengirola, Blackpool, Brighton. There were 'lads on tour' playing football on the beach, Chinese people having a giggle over burying one of their girls in the sand. Honestly, she was getting more attending than the actual beach by the end, they were all fascinated, snapping away like they were outside Big Ben.
The snorkling was really good. We saw a few good fish and the visibility was good, but I just kept on thinking about films like Piranah and Deep Blue Sea. I can compete with a monkey over a Donut, but I can't compete with a Barracuda or a Shark. Maybe humans aren't designed to go in the sea. I needed the toilet as well and I didn't want to wee in case it attracted the fish to me and they started to eat away at my flesh. Plus my mouth tasted of sea water and mask was sucking on my forhead, so I headed back to the boat. As it happens I weed around the ladder of the boat, so if they did come to eat I could quickly hop on and get away.
We left the day trip feeling satisfied with the friends we'd made. Mainly in the Canadians and Brazilians girls. We didn't spend much time getting to know the Russians or the Chinese.
The next two evenings were great; we actually got chatting to some more travellers, rather than 'lets get fucked holiday makers'. I had a good conversation about cycling with an English guy and a less good conversation with a Polish guy about his 'Happy Ending' massage where the lady stole 3000 Baht (60 pounds) from his wallet and smashed his iPod. We had been offered a 'Happy ending' by a masseuse at the beginning of our stay on the island. 60 pounds to shag that! Definitely not worth the money, she was disgusting.
The following evening, Kimpton and I found a bit more of an authentic Thai eating experience ( a lot of the places in this paradise isle do burgers, chips and pizza to accompany your viewing of premier league football.) We met three more female Canadians in a cool chillout bar and spent the night chatting to them. One was a bit boring, one was pretty good fun, one was a little annoying (she didn't like a destination because the stubbed her toe there and didn't like Cuba because they had no diet coke). Still, she was pretty fit so we chatted to her, got her e-mail address and apparently she is going to be in the next place we're going - happy days.
I'm writing this blog having returned from a mornings Scuba Diving. Definitely the best diving I'd ever done. Saw loads of things, including Black Tail Sharks, turtles and a clown fish (finding Nemo). Two little annoyances, I had a cut from playing tennis with my cousin before I came, and a lot the fish seem to think that it was coral and started nibbling at it, I kicked away as I didn't want it to tell it's friends that were something tasty for breakfast, really uncomfortable. Secondly we spent quite a long time waiting to descend at the top and there were schools of Barracuda, one of them looked at me and definitely considered eating me - I felt vulnerable. The 4-5 foot long Sharks were OK on the other hand. They didn't care about us, they just got on with whatever they were doing. They definitely need to talk to the barracuda and the fish that was eating my cut!
This bring's an end to this destinations blog, it's been way to long and has costed me loads in the overpriced internet cafe, plus I've still got to proof read the fucking thing. We move onto to Railay this evening, apparently more chilled out that - definitely looking forward to it.