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Published: July 19th 2012
It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog on a bus. Proably since South America. We’re on a proper double decker bus like the ones we used to travel on in South America with comfy seats, snacks and a toilet that really smells and doesn’t have a locking door (obviously). We’ve just left a town called Sukhothai, Thailand and are bound for Bangkok. In South American bus styleee we have already sat through three movies in a variety of languages, none of which were played the entire way through. Fortunately though they have now put on a dvd that works, unfortunately it is literally the worst form of entertainment possible. If you are not familiar with what constitutes entertainment in Asia (and I’m not talking about what you’re thinking about) it is normally a ‘comedic’ stage performance consisting three or four fat blokes in a variety of wigs and possibly dresses shouting at each other in stupid voices. The audience are, at the moment, falling off their chairs in fits of laughter as are all the Thai people on the bus. It’s like a British pantomime but not as funny and a bit like ‘Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night
Takeaway’ but funnier. The treble is turned up so high that my ear drums are about to explode. Oh hilarious, one of the blokes has just walked out in a dress. Right must crack on I could moan about this crap all day.
So where were we, ah yes Laos. We finally left Luang Probang after 9 nights of doing stuff (read my last blog if your interested) and flew to Chaing Mai, Thailand. I’m always pleased to fly from an airport made of Lego and get on a plane with propellers made of Meccano (probably). We landed to be greeted in Arrivals by my good friend Mr Andrew Charles Edward Badger aka Ace Badger aka Badger aka Badge aka His Badgesty. Badger had flown out to join us for the next 8 days. Lucky him. We arrived at our hostel and I was so pleased that in the lobby to the hotel they were playing Shaun Paul or some other pap at about a thousand decibels. The lobby was also filled with youths saying words like:
Epic
Vibes
Kewl
A-Maze-Ing
Sick
Bear
Chillax
Fail
It kind of reaffirmed all the things about Thailand I was fearing i.e. there was going to be loads of hostels and bars paying rubbish American music, full of overly enthusiastic idiot 18 to 25 year old backpackers getting hammered all the time, smoking joss sticks, wearing fisherman pants, who’ve watched ‘The Beach’ once and thought “oh yah I’m going to go travelling and loose myself just like Leo”, saying words as per the above list and generally making me want to smash their faces in. Within 30 seconds of arriving I’d had an argument with the owner about how many nights we were staying. I was starting to think I was going to enjoy Thailand.
We headed out for a drink and decide what we wanted to do for the next few days. Guess what? The first café we went to was run by a Ladyboy. And she ripped us off. Did you know that 1 in 3 people in Thailand are a Ladyboy? Only joking. Its actually 1 in 4. We decided to take a walk round Chiang Mai. It wasn’t really what I expected. It was a little bit like Halifax but much
more humid. We decided to go for a massage. Judith found a nice one which she told me (once we’d got in there) that it was run by the local Women’s Prison and all the masseurs were ex cons. We all went for a traditional Thai massage which, have you seen WWF wrestling? Yes it’s a bit like that but it’s not fake and it actually really hurts. I kid you not she got me in a ‘Full Nelson’, a ‘Boston Crab’ and ‘Figure 4 leg lock’. At one point I thought she was going to tag Judith’s masseuse and do the Legion of Doom’s double tag finishing move on me. It took all of my will power to not ask my one, “So what were you in for?” It took about 5 minutes for me to realise what she was in for. GBH I reckon. Owch!
After a couple of days in Chiang Mai we headed to Pai in the north. There are apparently 762 bends in the road between Chiang Mai and Pai. It was a bit of a stomach churner. Thankfully as we were going up over the mountain we got plenty of fresh
air to ease the queezyness. Oh sorry no we didn’t as there was a French woman sat in front of us who had the worst BO I have ever had the pleasure to smell. 3 and a half hours later we arrived in Pai and I’ve never been so glad to get off a bus. Our hostel was great. We had a wooden bungalow by the river off the main road in Pai. In true Asia style there were some new room rules on the door for us to abide by. Make of this what you will:
Beware of dog bite period and your shoes.
Please keep the shoes in the room.
Especially at night. If you bring food to eat.
Keep the dog on high ground so they do not eat junk.
It sounds like something you would find etched into the body of a serial killer’s victim. This was the first place we’d stayed in a long time that we didn’t get towels so we had to get out the old trusty travel towels. Our travel towels are mega. They dry
in minutes, pack up really small and when you dry your self with them you just want to cry because they are horrible. The reason they dry so quick is because they don’t absorb any water. What is the point in that?
Pai is a pretty laid back place. Lots of hippies there, well I say lots of hippies, what I actually mean is there’s a few hippies and then there are a lot of holiday hippies. Probably solicitors or bankers back in Europe or the States (that’s America to you and me) but come to Pai on holiday and get their hair braided, buy fisherman pants (NOTE - Fisherman pants make you look like you are wearing a full nappy) and tell everyone about how “capitalism is not the way forward man” whilst they’re walking down the street holding a carrier bag from the 7 Eleven containing a can of Coke and a Frapo Macho Latte Shake. Yeah fight the machine part time hippy.
We spent a day in our hammocks taking in the scenery and generally enjoying the company of His Badgesty. We headed off to do some fishing at a local
pond. I decided my face needed to look a bit more interesting so I shaved my beard leaving a nice handlebar tash. Fishing was great. Badger and I caught a Pirahna each, then Badge caught a Catfish and I caught a Carp. Our Judith got the first catch of the day – a twig, and she also got the biggest catch of the day – a tree. I’m not sure if the twig and the tree were related but they looked similar.
We ate some quality food in Pai. Thai food is definitely everything it is cracked up to be. Dare I say it but I think it’s my favourite of the whole trip so far with Laos and Indonesia a close second. It’s funny the amount of trust they put in you in restaurants. It’s not uncommon to order your food and then the owner/ waiter/ cook (all one person) head off to the market to buy the ingredients leaving the restaurant unstaffed and empty apart from us.
We left Pai and headed to a place near the Burma border called Mae Hong Son. The road there was as equally windy as the
journey to Pai although we didn’t have to endure the stench of BO Baracus this time. MHS was a really relaxed place. Rather liked it. Not many tourists too which was good. We’d decided a few months back not to go to Burma as part of this trip so MHS was a good compromise. We took a trip out one day to some local villages including a Chinese village on the Burma border where we sat and drank tea for ages. If you know me and our Judith you know how much we love our tea. We then visited a Karen Hill Tribe (Long Neck) village where the women from an early age put rings round their neck and add them gradually as they get older. It was weird. We paid a lot to get into the village as we were told we’d get an insight into traditional Hill Tribe life but all it was, was one street with loads of market stalls selling cheap Chinese plastic tat for tourists. It was a bit like a zoo. Quite uncomfortable in fact.
Whilst in MHS we had our first meal in Asia where our starter came out first,
followed by all our main courses at the same time. They had even taken note and not included any evil mushrooms as requested. Normally we get dishes served up as and when they are made in any order they see fit – sometimes not at all.
Badger headed back to Bangkok and me and our Judith stayed another couple of nights in MHS. On our last day we were walking down the road and this toddler did a flying kick out of a shop and started doing Kung Fu moves at me. Weird. We headed back to Pai along the windey pukey road for initially a couple of nights which turned into 6 nights.
Judith’s just woken up looked up at the telly looking really annoyed and said, “Is this still on?” Yup love it is. Oh look, there’s now three men in dresses and silly wigs. Brilliant. So funny and original too. Ho ho. And it’s only been on for 2 hours so far.
Yes Pai. We decided to give Yoga another go and found this place called Mama Yoga. I’d seen the posters round town and she looked mental.
She was. She told us she was 67 about 5 times within the first 10 minutes of meeting her. She talked normally outside of the yoga classes (with the exception of mixing up her L’s and R’s) but in the class she talked like the girl from the exorcist. She was off her rocker. We’d paid up front for 3 lessons so kind of felt like we had to go otherwise I’d have been out of there.
Thailand has the highest accident and fatality rate for scooters in the whole of Asia. Tourists are nicely contributing to the stats. The amount of tourists you see walking round with their arms in slings, on crutches, exhaust burns on their legs or gravel rash up their arms and legs is unreal. I don’t understand. If they were at home, they’d never dare get on a scooter without a licence yet if you come to Thailand where the roads are dodgy, the bikes are poor quality and the driving is generally a bit dangerous, they think it’s ok to jump on a bike with zero past experience. Idiots.
We slept really well in Pai, although I did
have some crazy dreams. One involved a guy from work who was the guardian of a 20 metre tall toddler who was terrorising the earth shooting exploding rainbows at people and we had to stop it. If anyone from Pixar or Dreamworks is reading this please inbox me and we can discuss a three movie deal. You will not be disappointed.
Halleluiah! The ‘comedy’ hell like stage show has finished.
We took a cooking school (has to be done) and another massage in our last few days in Pai. This massage was as equally if not more painful than the one in Chiang Mai but at the end of this one she did that thing that Mr Miyagi does at the end of Karate Kid where he rubs his hands together to repair Danya Son’s leg. It was skill. We eventually got out of our hammocks and headed back to Chiang Mai for one night before getting the bus to Lampang, a small town about 2 hours South.
We spent a couple of days in Lampang. It was nice to get away from the hustle and bustle of Chiang Mai and
also the hoards of backpacker morons in Pai. There was a good night market and we ate good food whilst there but other than that nothing too controversial to report. Oh apart from getting irritated with hotels that use ‘water conservation’ as a means to stop people putting their towels in for washing on a daily basis. We all know why you do it, you’re saving on your electric and staffing bills. You’re not saving the planet.
We took the bus to a place called Sukhothai which is famous for its ruins. That was yesterday’s fun, cycling round some old ruins in 35 degree heat. Quite nice though. Even though Thailand has some of the best food in the world, you can also buy some of the worst food in the world. Generally round the markets they have stalls frying up ‘meat’ that is beyond processed, mixed with piles of fat, served on wooden sticks. Yummy!
So that’s that. We’re arriving into Bangkok. Not seen any ladyboys yet. Oh there’s one. And there. Right I’ll stop looking now. Just a couple of nights here then it’s a few days in Singapore to see ‘The
Stone Roses’. Looking forward to that one. Should be A-Maze-Ing and sick.
The next time I write to you I’ll probably be sat on my sofa at home with a cup of Yorkshire Tea. That’s quite a weird thought.
See you in a bit
Ste and Judith x x x
More Photos Chaing Mai and Pai
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150940113292532.418955.581642531&type=3&l=e164f27dad Mae Hon Son
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150940190437532.418964.581642531&type=3&l=d443d2bc56 Lampang & Sukhothai
http://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150952535022532.420316.581642531&type=3&l=dba1ff8c30
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cabochick
Andrea
It's Over???!!!
noooooo! Say it isn't so. How am I going to get my chucks and giggles now? Best of luck with the re-entry.