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Published: February 27th 2011
Monday, 2nd August Today we caught the 6 hour bus to Chiang Mai. By the time we arrived there was little we could do. We checked into the 5 Stars Hostel and had dinner. Boring.
Tuesday, 3rd August Last night was difficult. In our shockingly first black out of the trip the fan stopped being our saviour from the night time heat. Is this bed a waterbed? Why is it leaking? Oh, that's me. I stuck a straw in Hayley's mouth just to be on the safe side.
The water theme continued when we left the hostel this morning to a torrential downpour. Haven't mentioned it yet but we're actually going jungle trekking today for 3 days, bedding down on some little bamboo hut no doubt. The road is covered in puddles and our transfer to the TAT hostel hasn't bothered to come because they've gone to get someone else from the train station. When we arrived our guide told the group (12 of us) to get in the car out on the road. We piled on. The guide then proceeded to spend 15 minutes getting into the rush hour traffic, turning around 50 metres down the road and
into the hostel carpark where he made us get into the real car. I hope that story was as pointless for you as it was for us to live it.
Breakfast was served by our first ladyboy of the trip. This one was fairly obvious - the subject of that will no doubt come up again. We also hit the tourist police to let them know our route (in case we got lost or died) and bought some pointless things from the market that we 'just had to have' to avoid getting lost or dying. Didn't use any of it.
On the way to the jungle out the back of the tuk-tuk a few people spotted a snake which all unanimously confirmed was 'f**king huge'. Oh no. Luckily I was too busy concentrating on not throwing up the animal entrails that passed for a sausage hand-delivered by you've got shemale. Maybe it was its. I was spared my heart beating through my chest by my own poor taste in breakfast. Swings and roundabouts.
In the jungle the path was slippier than the spot Bambi was born. Within 5 minutes 3 people looked like they'd wiped their bums
on their t-shirts. In between babies first ice skate lesson we got to see a snake (only a baby), dragonflies and a whole shed-load of termites. Not sure if I've ever seen a termite hill before but those b*ggers can build. And murder. They absolutely devoured a caterpillar as big as my finger right in front of us. Not shy.
The plants, if anything, were more interesting than the massacre at termite hill. Half the plants in the jungle closed themselves after you touch them. That should keep HayDHDley busy for a few hours. Another was one that repelled water (and everything else. Think of me and girls at school). NASA used this to make suits to stop getting too dusty on the moon. I saw Richard Hammond talk about it once. Man, I could have used all that NASA money).
Via a stop at a big waterfall we hit our campsite and a bit of swimming in the nearby river. Bob, the huge Mancunian rugby player with stories about his mates eating each others piles on tour, worried over those 'bugs that can swim up your pen*s'. There weren't any (that we felt). More celebrity gay ice
Nightswimming...
deserves a quiet night. dancing on the rocks to get into the river. It was a miracle no-one split their head open. The worst we got was Bob's baldy head with a bit of rope burn.
After a bit of red curry for dinner we sat around the campfire with some beers. I managed to coerce Hayley into her first Chang - probably for the best; she barely reacted to the giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiant spider sat next to her. Very unlike her. And this spider may have been part of the conversation it seriously was that big. When it vanished that's when the group dynamic shifted! Fortunately it came back soon after. Perhaps it just went to use the outhouse being as most of the other spiders seemed to hang out there.
As always, for documentary completeness the group consisted of:
BOB/JO - the oldest in the group, adored by the youngers and super funny.
PHIL/BEN - young 'uns from Surrey. Classic Jack the lads.
ALEX/ABBI/ZOE - Portsmouth ladies I think. All very different in character. The spectrum of travellers actually. One who sees stuff, one partier and one easy like Sunday morning.
PIERRE - the token Frenchman (is there such a thing?). Most
adventurous guy you've ever met. Genuinely nice bloke too.
REMCO/WESSEL - wouldn't be a trip without some Dutchies. Remco was on the Dutch Pop Idol. For being cr*p not good. Brave boy.
I had the weirdest dream where my dad had a split personality, one being a Spanish man (but he couldn't speak it and was just doing Fast Show) and another a super rich hotel owner. What does this mean?
And f**k we went bamboo rafting I forgot to say.
Wednesday, 4th August Now here is the key difference between South America and Asia. Getting up at 8 o'clock not 6. Heavenly. Or would be if we weren't on a wafer thin fake mattress in a bamboo hut with some dog being a complete d*ck in the room. Our egg led breakfast ensured that I would be walking at the back of the group today. Bob and Jo left for a shorter tour. Shame. The group was weaker for it.
The first order of the day was a short walk down to another waterfall site. After a midnight pour the path was once again slippy like a paddling pool of vaseline. Er. It was steep
Rice rice baby
Vanilla rice rice baby. too, and nobody has sensible footwear except for us oldies, now the adults in the group. TAT probably didn't insure us. The bridge at the natural pool was covered in ants and those horrible yellow ones too. The ones whose bites sting like sh*t. Anywho the pool was cool. Love the fresh water and the power of the waterfall. Pierre is really like a pig in sh*t with this stuff.
There are no leeches in this river. I was caught out by that last trip. Had to throw my shorts out so much blood. Lunch was noodles wrapped in a banana leaf. Cold (of course) and eaten without cutlery. Savages we are. The latest in our stream of storms dampened the second waterfall site. So did some Dutch guys. First ones I haven't liked. The afternoon's walk at last really took on the label 'jungle' in that there wasn't really a path anymore. The trees encroached on my life. Some of them...they...they...TOUCHED me. It was all I could do not to cry as we clambered under rocks and clung to the side of the hilltops. Just waiting for the spiders to fall onto me.
Tonight's campsite was much
as before, bamboo shelter under a deet covered mosquito net. Tonight we played some drinking games where the losers got to get covered in the charcoal on the underside of the dinner pan. Hayley was reluctant but caved. The game got very xenophobic and homophobic quickly. I ended up with BACKYARD DISCO on my back. And an arrow to my bottom. I got them all back though, always original in new ways to abuse people. Benji tried to go swimming after puking his guts up. It was funny.
Thursday, 5th August I woke up this morning with a hint of hangover, nothing that would stop a train though as is my usual these days. Oh yes and I was completey black on the face with backyard disco still inviting the locals to a fun time if only they could read. Since I was first up decided to go for a swim in the nearby river and try to wash this all off. I look like I should be on the back of a Robinson's jam jar.
Bloody stuff does not come off.
The first stop on today's tour was of course a waterfall. Birdy (our guide) should
have listened to TLC me thinks. This one, however, was the best yet. It was a good 40m high which meant that we could jump from one of those high ledges. Everybody did it but us of course. Hayley doesn't put her head under water and I am a p*ssy. A match made in heaven. Of course Pierre was first to do it.
Classic Thailand. After the waterfall we waited 2 hours for our pickup, unable to telephone the driver because we're in the middle of the jungle, only to find out he'd been waiting in the 2 day tour pickup. How does this country not fall down more? When he eventually turned up we were taken to the elephant camp up the road.
It's fair to say I was a little hesitant about getting on the elephant. Only because animals are totally unpredictable. If I had known that these ones were trained using confinement and humiliation tactics and kept in line using a spike on a stick to whack it in the head then I may have been more okay with it. Hang on. You misinterpret me. Okay with the riding not the abuse.
The bench
on the elephant was ropey at best, and the ropey was even more ropey. The rust was so bad I looked like I'd had a hand transplant with an oompa-loompa. The path we were taken on was very steep in places and beaten by the three days of rain and a thousand elephant treks each day. The left right left right made our backs and butts take a pounding. And go orange. Phil, in his first elephant experience, bought some bamboo to feed them with. He went about this by shoving it up its trunk - before it got stuck and he was told how to do it properly. Then we went home.
In the evening we went out for a drinks as a group to the Riverside bar. In a sweet twist of fate we ran into Bob and Jo who joined in for some beers. The girls f**ked off in search of some funtime which made the guide cry. Later we went to a club called Fabric where we watched Pierre dance on his own in the techno room. He has 4 Thai girls on the go at the mo, including 2 best friends fighting over each
other. I love him.
Friday, 6th August After 2 nights in a bamboo hut fighting off feral dogs and then a third fighting little Thai hookers for dancefloor space it was not unreasonable that we didn't rise until 2 o'clock. Rest is for the wicked and the well rested. With what limited time we had left with the day we decided to go to the market. Three storeys high with feasibly everything you could possibly think of. Clothing that isn't completely sh*t? You got it. Sweets that have the texture of texturising hair gel and a slightly worse taste? Of course. Uncooked fishheads? Not sure why you want that but yes, we have it. A long way to clarify they have EVERYTHING.
All in all we didn't really get to see Chiang Mai on too grand a scale, any temples that are here we aren't too bothered about. It's easy to negotiate since like Ayutthaya it is surrounded by a moat which also makes it seem nicer somehow. Except the bit where the night market is where the whole place is covered in all of the rubbish. And hence flies, and dogs and everybody's favourite - the rat.
The smell could cure a cold in Bangkok (a good 12 hours away).
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Bloomer
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And how long did it take to complete this instalment...? :-)
See comment title!