Bangkok: This Town's Built Out of Crazy

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Warning: The Following Blog Entry is Rated Thai.. Some Content May not be Suitable for Children and/or Family Members of the Blogger... What you are about to read is based on true events.... In the World of Bangkok there are two kinds of people: those who work in bars until long hours of the night... and those who stumble around in front of them. These are their stories (Law and Order Music) bum bum..bum bum buna buuu.. bum bum.. bum bum buna buuu buu (guitar solo):

Picture the wildest, dirtiest, loudest, and most crowded scene in the world. Multiply that by 231. Now, place it in the country of Thailand and you, my friend, have just pictured Bangkok. Gridlocked traffic as far as the eye can see for hours and hours each day, streets packed full of assertive Asian streets vendors, smells that could make you throw up on the spot, and air quality that has you seeking out cigarettes in order to breath in cleaner air. This is Bangkok City. The city where you can have anything your heart desires: food, drinks, ridiculous t-shirts, bootlegged DVD’s, stolen Rolex watches, pen laser’s with ranges over a mile long (no joke), you name it, and this city has it.
Revisiting Bangkok was just as crazy the second time as it was the first. Though it was for a much more short-lived visit then my last, it was great to be back in the enormous city of concrete forests and seas full of people. This time, I was unable to return to my old home “The Chateau de Bangkok” since I was living on my own dime. So, with advice from my friends, I chose to stay a bit outside the city and closer to the South Korean Embassy at the “Ton-Aor Place.” Though it was close to the MRT (metro), it was still a bit far out of town for me. Very comfortable place though, big bed, TV, AC, balcony, private bathroom, the works!
So the first few nights I took it easy and did some exploring. I took some time to revisit some of the old areas I once hung out in like the Siam Paragon, Sukumvit Soi 4, Soi Ruam Ruedi, Chit Lom (where my school was), and the MBK (seriously the craziest, most disorganized and largest mall I have ever seen). It was a true feeling of nostalgia to walk down the streets and visualize the fun I once had with some of my old friends. Ah, the Global’s in Bangkok, what a time that was.
My friends Rob, Somme Chai, and Somme Ying all arrived a few days later. We did a little touring around and then decided to do the inevitable: have a Gilby’s night. We got ourselves ready, constructed a plan, and made a B-line for the nearest 7-11. Ok now I need to tell you something about this street I lived on here. As you walk down, on the left there is a 7-11, literally about 10 feet later, there is a 7-11 on the right and a Tesco Lotus 24 hour convenience store on the left across, then another 10 feet and there is yet another 7-11 on the right!!! Literally, 4 convenience stores in a 30 foot area! I just don’t get it! Who in this world needs that many slurpees?? It boggles my mind how these stores stay in service and, above all, how they are always busy!
Our night was filled with laughs, random meetings, and multiple games of “never have I ever.” Great game, I must say; a real informative way to learn things you never thought possible about friends. So I took the crew to Khao San Road near the river. Khao San is really like the Las Vegas of Bangkok, save the gambling. It just doesn’t make sense why we can’t gamble here! They have everything else; hell, I mean.. they sell counterfeit diplomas here! Why in all of God’s green Earth cant they just open up a few blackjack tables?! I’m not asking for a Caesar’s Palace; just a few tables. Blah! Anyways, Khao San Road is the backpackers hub of Bangkok. Everyday, hundreds of travelers take rest here due to cheap prices, cheap drinks, and good location. There is a guesthouse on virtually every corner and the streets are jam packed full of vendors selling everything from Pad Thai to Diesel Jeans.
We took refuge in a multitude of watering holes throughout the night. Soon the Gilby’s took hold and all the flashing lights and crowds of people around captivated me. Gotta love Bangkok! Stumbling down the street I ran into my old TESOL teacher and her friends and my old roommate Jake. Crazy; even in the mass population of Bangkok, a city on the other side of the planet, I still find ways of sporadically bumping into people I know. So we climbed into another pub and had a few more drinks before the night started to wind down.
Leaving Khao San Road is typical of doing anything in Bangkok; all you hear are heckles and pleading from the street.
“Sir, Sir, where you go? Ping Pong show? I give you special price” (If you don’t know what is involved in this type of show; better off not asking).
“ Tuk-Tuk Sir? Tuk-Tuk?”
“Taxi, Taxi over here Sir. Where you go?”
“Come see ladys Sir!”
“Sir where you go? Want to Disco?”
It gets to be very cumbersome to constantly be using the phrase “mai ow krab” to shoo off the persistent drivers and vendors in Bangkok. The phrase literally means “no take” and usually is effective if you just smile and keep on walking. Still, it’s a pain in the ass to need to say it too much. It’s impossible to go anywhere in Bangkok without being hassled in a similar fashion at least 735 times. That’s a literal number not figurative; don’t argue with my scientific experiments.
So I finally got a cab and headed on back towards the home base with my friends. I must say one thing in Bangkok that never ceases to amaze me is the road system. Concrete placed over the old canal’s make this city’s roads one of the most chaotic and unplanned infrastructural nightmares in the world. That said driving around them is fun as hell! I mean where else does the cab driver take such sporadic ”G” force turns down dark alleys and up practically vertical, unfinished side roads? It is like riding in a roller coaster. Even if you have the luck of getting a cab driver to understand where it is you are trying to go, typically he will still drop you in some godforsaken place far off the beaten path. It really does keep you on your toes.
As for my own experiences, I am sure they are not far different from the typical tourist’s encounters. I have been in taxis that brought me to wrong streets, wrong areas, and even wrong districts while in Bangkok. I’ve driven up on sidewalks, on the opposite side of the road, even on railroad tracks. The other day I even drove backwards in a cab down a 5 lane ONE WAY road! Intense and ridiculous as it was, I wasn’t even that surprised, it is Bangkok after all. All you got to do is sit back in your seat, clench your fists and exclaim “that’s about right” while barreling backwards against traffic on one of the busiest streets in the whole city.
The next day began a 3-day horror story for me. I woke up after the Khao San night with the mother of all hangovers. I thought it was a hangover at least. All I know is that I was delusional, dehydrated, angry and spent the first 5 hours in my bathroom swearing I would never drink again. I guess I am a liar. After the alleged hangover lasted over 7 hours I knew something was up. I then diagnosed myself with “foodsontous poisonous.” To those feeble minds that have not taken the time to study advanced medicine, have no fear. We cant all be incredible brainiacks and learned warriors of the world. The sickness in layman’s terms is of course “food poisoning.” My first case of food poisoning ever and it was a doozy. It took a full 2 days before I stopped needing to sleep in the bathroom and another 2 to finish with a full recovery. It was definitely the worst 4 days of all my travels yet and I pray it never happens again. That sucked.
So after a brush with death and being bed-ridden for a short time, I decided to move out of my hotel and get a little closer to town. A good choice to as my new hotel in the Nana District was much more comfortable and closer to the place I used to live in Bangkok last summer.
It just dawned on me!! I have yet to reveal my new nickname on this blog! Well buckle up my friends and prepare to hear the nickname of nicknames, the king of the pseudonyms, sultan of nom de plume.. “Pak Warn.” The name is pronounced more like Bach Wan and it is just delightful. A friend I was hanging out with in Chiang Mai gave it to me and I stuck to it like a gold star on a perfect spelling test (I used to be an incredible speller). The translation literally means “Sweet Mouth” and I like to think it is due to my way with words that I was granted such an illustrious title. Its also much better than my previous nickname of “Mau Mau” which literally translates to “very drunk.” Pak Warn is much more poetic I think. Regardless, I will use the name as long as I can and hold it dear to my heart.
So, moving back to Nana was a great experience. Since I knew the area well, it was easy to get around, find places to eat, and visit some old friends. I really enjoyed the move and was happy to make it before leaving Bangkok.
One thing that the Nana district has that no other place in the world has in such surplus is a never-ending surplus of self-esteem bursting entities. I of course am referring to the infamous “hookers nest” of Nana Soi 4. Anyone who has ever been to Bangkok knows exactly the venue I refer to and, has surely taken the time to notice the.. uh... scenery. The street is full of Thai ladyboy’s (don’t ask what these people are.. they are exactly what they sound like) and prostitutes who attempt to lure wandering drunken Westerner’s into their lair of darkness and sin. Have no fear, Pak Warn is impervious to their poison and merely observes the occurrence that take place here. Regardless though of your feelings towards these ”women of the night,” it is a sight I feel every visitor to Bangkok must behold when on a visit.
To give a small example of what my self-esteem is like while traveling through this nest of sin, I will take you through a virtual journey using the patented Pak Warn “esteem-o-meter” point system. The points range from 0 (feels like an elephant man being poked fun of in front of a large audience) to 50 (feels like Derek Zoolander winning the Male Model of the Year Award for the 3rd time in a row). So, will say I start my journey at a cool 20 (David Schwimmer in Band of Brothers. Great movie, but just not Ross’s best stuff). Lets begin.
As I approach the nest from the southeast a few ladyboy’s call out a few blind complements:
“Ooo Very handsome man. Hey where you go?”
Esteem-o-meter: 22. I walk through the crowds and past a few bars: “Oooo sexy man, I like your body. Very nice hair!” (I think to myself.. I knew that was a great haircut I got today!).
Esteem-O-meter: 30. Ascending to the first floor I trip and fall hearing a gaggle of bar maids giggle uncontrollably. Esteem-o-meter: 25. The second floor is full of women who come a bit closer and tell me a few things I feel like keeping off this blog. Esteem-o-meter: 35. To the next floor the handsome man comments fire at me like bullets out of an Ak-47:
“Oooo handsome man.”
Very handsome man.”
“Look here sexy man.”
“Ooo very handsome.”
Esteem-o-meter: 45. By the time I turn and begin to walk down the stairs, past a slew of complements ranging from: “I like your shirt,” to “very pretty eyes,” I have become the Derek Zoolander of Bangkok; king of the world and unable to do any wrong. Call me shallow, but every once in a while its nice to hear these things; even if they are from hookers. I know this all sounds nuts, wild, and impossible to imagine, but as the title of this blog states: this town is built out of crazy.
Despite the crazy there is still a certain sense of ease here, not as pertinent as reigns so strong in Chiang Mai, yet still apparent everywhere you turn. These people truly do enjoy life. They take their time in doing things right, in appreciating family and friends, and in always remembering to smile as the day presses forth. No matter how uptight and angry one can easily get in the smoggy street when getting hassled by a street vendor or tuk-tuk driver to make a purchase, the theme of “mai pen rai” and complete and utter joy in life always has a way of ringing true. Not to say I do not frequently loose my temper and yell at a vendor: “I don’t want a F***** tuk-tuk!” as I’m walking across the street, I always remember to try and smile back, apologize, and move on unblemished with the rest of my day.
My finals days in Bangkok were spent in preparation of my trip to South Korea. It is a pain in the ass to get a visa to Korea! Seriously, I never imagined the amount of work and documents that were needed to obtain a work visa for teaching English! First, I had to await my recruiter to send me all my documents for processing. Then, I had to bring the documents and my passport to the South Korean Embassy along with my application. It then took another 3 days to process before I could pick up and officially be accepted to live and work in Korea. Exhausting business, I tell you! It’s enough to make a kid go crazy (and it almost did)! I finally did get my visa, and not a moment too soon. Literally 4 hours after picking up my passport at the embassy, my flight left Bangkok for a layover in Malaysia, and then on to Seoul, South Korea.
As all good things do, my time in Thailand has come to an end. From exploring the jungles and waterfalls around Chiang Mai, to running from traffic in the busy Bangkok streets, I have had the time of my life in this country. There truly was never a dull moment, never a fully describable situation, and never a shortage of 7-11 convenient stores. So, the question I need to ask myself is this: What new experience have I benefitted from on this my second trip to Bangkok? Well, most importantly, I have gained a nickname; an adopted Asian name that will surely take me from the mountains of Korea, to the beaches of Taiwan. Pak Warn will live to travel another day, and the name will always be with him (please don’t hate me for talking in the third person. I hate people who do it but there was really no other way around it in this instance. My bad.).
Secondly, I have gained a new group of friends. A group of young hooligans so full of life and the willingness to venture out into the unknown, that they have proudly earned the name of “Changster’s”... C’s up my friends... C’s up.
I have also fallen in love with a new region of Thailand. An area I unfortunately missed out on my last visit, Chiang Mai and its surrounding villages taught me a lot about what being Thai really means as it captivated me by its wonder and beauty. I will not be quick to forget my short time in Chiang Mai and will surely be back to visit someday soon.
Beyond this, Thailand has remained a remarkable place to travel for me. There is never a shortage of places to see, things to do, or people to meet. The culture, food, and cities have changed me in a way I cannot yet describe in full. One thing is for sure, I am much more patient and happy after learning the art of “mai pen rai” and the inner peace that comes with simply allowing some battles to pass you by (I might even have it tattooed on my back.. any thoughts on this decision?). By just sitting back and taking the time to really think about every decision and reflect on each action, life truly becomes a bit more worth living each day. Above all else, this is one thing that I will take with me on the rest of my travels across the globe. I hope it enables me to be more friendly, peaceful, and open-minded to the world around me each day.
So in closing, Thailand I will miss you. I will be back again one day soon, but I thank you for the times that I have had here. To my friends in Thailand who I leave behind: May the road rise up to meet you, May the wind be always at your back, May the rains fall soft upon your field, and the sun shine warm upon your face, and until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Lagon Krab Thailand. Carpe Vita!

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Comments

[Barri]

nice job, Pak Warn
Great post, Andrew! Looking forward to reading the rest of your Asia tales as they unfold. Mine are here -- www.deliciousambiguity.me mai pen rai :) ~B