Published: January 27th 2008January 27th 2008
I need to preface this post with a little note. It's currently Sunday afternoon in Bangkok and I was just released from the hospital about an hour ago where I had spend the last 3 days and 3 nights. During most of that time not only was I a physical wreck, but my emotional well being was thrown out the window. I wrote what's below on Friday night, my second night in the hospital when I was feeling especially depressed. It was extremely difficult for me for the first two days while I was there not only because I was already homesick and not in a good mood, but because I had been in a room by myself with no human contact outside of my nurses for the last 36 hours. I had a TV and some movies on my computer and that was it, so I think it's safe to say that I wrote this at my lowest point emotionally, so please keep that in mind while you're reading this. I'm sorry if it's a little scary and I questioned whether I should really post it or not, but I decided there's no reason to sugar coat things. Only people that I care about are reading this and you deserve to know what I was feeling while I was there. But remember, this is how I was on Friday night. This is not how I am now. On a better note, currently I am doing much much better and am not only physically healthy, but I feel as though emotionally I am nearly back to normal as well. I'll write again soon about my entire experience from while I was in the hospital, but this here's what I wrote Friday night:
I’m writing this because I don’t have internet access in my room and I know by the time that I have internet and finally sit down to write a blog, I will have forgotten a lot of what I wanted to say. I’ve been in the hospital for 2 days now and being I’m here without anyone to talk to, it’s given me a lot of time to think.
First off, let me just say that the past 2 days have been some of the worst days I’ve had in recent memory. Not only is it my first time being admitted into a hospital since I was an infant, but it had to happen in a foreign country, away from all my friends and family. If I were in the hospital back home I don’t think I would really mind that much because people could come visit me and it would help to pass the time a little better. But here, I am completely alone. I haven’t left this room since I walked into it 36 hours ago. Two of my housemates came last night because I asked them to drop some of my things off but they stayed for about 10 minutes, in which we barely spoke. I was really appreciative that they brought my stuff but I didn’t expect much of a conversation from them. They’re nice enough to show concern for my health but outside of that I don’t really think they care and that’s perfectly fine with me. Just because we’re living together it doesn’t mean we have to be friends. So for the last 2 days it’s been me, the TV, and an occasional visit from a nurse to check in on me.
While I may be getting physically better while I’m here, emotionally I feel like I just keep getting worse and worse. Fortunately I’ve been keeping in touch with my mom a couple of times a day which has been really nice even though every time I call I’m usually irritated and sound pissed off to her. But outside of her, everyone I call is not picking up when I call them and it is starting to get really frustrating. Maybe my calls aren’t getting through or maybe I’m just calling at bad times, but all I want is to talk to someone, even if for a few minutes, and it’s really bothering me that I’m being denied that. I’ve always enjoyed my alone time and value being able to be happy by myself, but this is overboard. It’s like being in total isolation and I just can’t handle it. The fact that I’ve been homesick recently probably isn’t helping much but I’ve just been completely miserable while I’ve been here. I can’t even count the number of times I started to cry today. In the back of my head I almost wish that they can’t get me healthy so I could just fly straight home. But while that may make me happy right now, I know I would ultimately regret it if I were to come home early. I still have another 5 weeks here in Bangkok and who knows what can happen or how my mood can change in that time. I just really hope that this is only a temporary feeling because if it isn’t the next 5 weeks are going to be a living hell and I don’t know if I could mentally take that. It’s strange because I knew I’d get homesick while I was here but I didn’t expect it to be as much of an issue as it’s become. Hopefully it’s just due to the fact that I’ve been sick for most of my time here so my physical state is bringing down my mental state but even if my mood isn’t due to my physical condition, I’m still surprised at how I’ve been feeling. I love my family and friends and I knew I would miss them but I figured it would just be an “oh well, I’ll see them soon” kind of missing them. Instead it’s pretty much turned into a “counting down the days until I leave” sort of missing home. I really don’t think that’s good because it’s going to affect the sort of experience that I’m able to have while I’m here. If I’m constantly moody and almost depressed like I have been it’s going to turn me off from doing fun and exciting things here that I may want to do because I just won’t be in the mood to do them. I’ve already seen it happen a couple of times before I started to get really sick. My housemates would want to go somewhere or do something in the evenings and I just wasn’t in the right mood so instead of taking advantage of everything I can, like I should be, I just sat at my apartment watching TV or talking to friends online. If this sort of attitude keeps up then the rest of my time here is just going to be miserable. It’s just been hard for me to deal with because, while I can be moody at times and in the event that something really bad happens to me I can go into a downward spiral for a few days, I’m not the kind of person to be perpetually down about things. I like to think of myself as a realist and I like to think that while things may be bad at any given time, they will eventually improve, but lately I’ve been having a hard time doing that. It just seems like all I can keep thinking about is the next time I’m going to be back home in a familiar place with familiar people. I know I’m not crazy and it’s probably normal for me to be going through this (and I’m sure the fact that I’ve been locked up in a room by myself for the last two days has plunged my mood down an even worse road) but I’m just having a really hard time dealing with everything right now and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s comforting to know that I have friends and family at home who are concerned and worried about me and are taking time out of their days to say hi and to let me know that they care but unfortunately it isn’t doing much to lift me out of this rut I’ve been in. I’m just hoping that tomorrow I’ll wake up feeling better and will be released from here and I can begin my slow climb back to normality. I know all things heal with time. I just hope it happens sooner rather than later.