The Wedding, the Honeymoon and the Divorce

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Travelling Kyrgyzstan in April is like a big bosomed lady at the end of an aisle standing there in her wedding dress. Covered in white, you know if you commit to it, you can ski on those slopes and (unlike the feelings on a wedding night) soon it will be gone. It dangles its goodies with its curvaceous roads attached to its mountainous mould - And like the lady, it shows you this just in case you change your mind.

But that’s the dilemma I had once I got here. I was like the husband to be, having second thoughts. If I turn back now I could conquer something else. And maybe after an apology can mend things up and come back some other time. Changing my mind was seriously thought of but I didn’t go through with it. My stubborn streak is too strong and I persevered whilst showing incredible commitment. I decided to wait for the vowels to be read and let life’s natural sequence go through its course.

I let nature unravel the white snow, went through the highs and lows: So low that a premature divorce almost happened. So high as to build a relationship with this country to a glimpse of the wonderful life and most importantly the holy grail of the meadows of those sweet, sweet valleys. If ever a woman says I don’t show commitment to anything. CC this…

I arrived in Bishkek to get another VISA (Kazakhstan) so that meant a 3-day wait for the VISA to be processed. This is the problem with this part of the world. You have to waste time waiting for paperwork. Every other traveller I met would go through the same problem. At some point they‘ve spent an extended period in one of Central Asia’s drab cities. (I think by the end I would have waisted 2 weeks of my trip on this.) That is okay if the ex-soviet cities had personality but that’s not the case. The country is attractive to look at but when you hit the towns and cities it’s a realisation that she is as boring as bat shit.

Within the city itself there is only The State Historical Museum that’s worthwhile seeing - it’s basically all about Lenin. Carpets of him, statues, sculptures of him and people looking up, admiring him with flags flowing in the background. It’s one thing I have noticed about Communist propaganda: Whenever there is a Revolution it is always a windy day, always blowing a gale. If I were a President or King and was feeling threatened by a Revolution. I would be appointing the best weather bureau can buy and when wind is predicted, I’d say to my soldiers: “Okay boys, Red Alert! It’s a windy day out there today.”

I have to say this is easily the lowest I have felt in any of my travels. There wasn’t enough snow to ski on but there was too much snow to trek on (horse or foot.) Kyrgyzstan is like a DD of the cup world. It averages 2750m, with 40% of the country over 3000m, with 75% of that under either permanent snow or glaciers

Even so I decided to go for the honeymoon spot of Kyrgyzstan, Lake Issyk-Kul and to a town called Karakol. The lake is the 2nd largest alpine lake in the world (behind lake Titicaca.) It never freezes and when you get the first glimpse of the lake. It glistens like bright blue eyes with its finely plucked eyebrows of the Central Tian Shan Range as the backdrop.

The wedding car was a cramped minibus where my legs were elevated in the back seat causing my arse and upper legs to numb. On the 5th hour of my 6-hour trip from Bishkek a fellow tourist came aboard. His name was Joe from Germany. He was a nurses assistant “Yeah I change sheets, turn people over and clean up shit” was how he described it. He would be the first foreigner I’d spoken to on transport since the Philippines. That’s a long time and indicates how lonely travelling this place can be.

With this rare opportunity of meeting him and a few others in Karakol it was a chance to have a few drinks. But little did I know that a huge domestic would happen just because I had a few beers with the boys. I’ll admit I was drunk but not drunk enough to warrant this.

As I exited, Joe was about 20m ahead and talking to some other people whilst I was grabbed from behind by 3-4 men. My arms were pulled back and was punched in the stomach, thrown to the ground, my arms were pulled back again and my pockets had hands in them. Flipped around I was than picked up by my arms and legs and thrown into the back of a van and basically kidnapped to the police station. Joe didn’t know where I went? I have a few blanks of the incident but the bits of information I had follows the exact same sequence two Israeli guys experienced.

At the station I saw one of the officers going through my wallet so I got up snatched it off him and put myself in a ball. They asked for my passport and at this point I was sick from a mixture of alcohol and the punching. So they took me back to my accommodation. Israelis said they got told by the police they “should be careful, it’s dangerous out there.” So for the second time police have robbed me! I realised later that I had a knock on my head so that could explain the brief blank I had. They ended up taking my camera, money and my guidebook.

It felt like the honeymoon was over before it even started. I was thinking divorce. But before I could do that I had to see what the valleys were all about. A 4-hour hike is to Altyn Arashan (Golden Spa). It’s a postcard alpine valley. Because its April it is high avalanche season so part of the hike is over an iced up milkshake of snow and crushed up pine trees. It is a nice spot with hot springs and plenty of hiking but again because of the time of year it is all too dangerous with no proper gear. It was at this point I was ready to end the relationship.

When I returned from my 3-day honeymoon I went to the police station for the third time determined to get an official letter. I needed it for travel insurance and with that it would be official - this relationship is finished. But the bitches at the police station were reluctant to sign my divorce papers.

They said they would not give me anything unless I say I lost everything myself. Now before I continue, you have to understand I was nice the first time. The first few hours I was cooperating and when a translator came I changed tactics and became quite abusive. See I typed a letter not mentioning the police robbed me (because I am not going to get a letter saying the police robbed me) so I made it sound like the police were heroes. But still the main guy was worried he’d have to be responsible and it would fall back on him. I raise my voice and point repeatedly to my head. “Are you thick in the fucking head! I haven’t mentioned the police robbed me you fuckin idiot!” (I don’t know what was translated but my eyes would have told the story. They know the f word is no good.)

In all I was there for 4 and a half hours with something like 30 officers entering and exiting the room. I was close to saying “Look, you either don’t want to do your job properly or you are just bad at your job.” I did say “If you want to give me back my camera all you have to do is go to the surveillance camera or ask the chief officer that was rostered on at 11pm. There you can see who did this to me.” But they didn’t seem to like that idea.

I wanted to stay but how can I when things turned out the way they did, you have to just pull ties and move on. I went back to Bishkek and waited for my Kazakh VISA to allow me to enter.

Kyrgyzstan is a popular destination for the Japanese (non tour groups) so I met some characters here. At my accommodation there was one guy who each night would make this weird grinding sound that would wake me up each night. The first night I woke up and noticed this quick movement down below followed by snoring. I’m thinking “Oh no! He is not putting his hands on the lolly jar is he? I don’t think he knows what he’s doing? I think he’s doing it in his sleep? Is he using snoring as a get out clause just in case he gets caught?”

The next night I had to say something “Hey! Ey! Ey! What’s that noise!” I never got full evidence. Also I had one guy who had pretty bad snoring and I only had one earplug so I had to alternate ears every time I changed sides. And to introduce where I was from by saying “I’m from Sidiniy.”

I was also told by a travel agent that I look like James Bond. Just before she said that, I really needed to pee and there was a toilet there but I thought: “You can’t ask ‘Can I use the toilet?’ after they say you look like James Bond” So I held on and went to an Internet café across the road. There I caught a guy trying to pick pocket me. I pushed him and said “F*** Off!” He didn’t move. So I pushed him on the shoulder forcing him back to the wall. “F*** Off!” His mates started saying something in the background so I upped and left.

Kyrgyzstan is up there with the most disappointing experiences I have had. This was the number one reason for me to come to Central Asia and I stuffed up because of the time of year. I thought the middle of spring would be a great time of year but it was too early. I should have come here 1st of June the start of summer. This was the biggest waste of time in any journey.

I think I enjoyed maybe two days here. And that was the wedding day when I got to ski the slopes at Arslanbob and the honeymoon when I hiked around those valleys in Altyn Arashan. I’m not sure if I’d ever come back here. If I did I would make sure the timings right. But I’m not sure if you can commit to another relationship with the same being after the experience I had?

****** Also whilst here a Mexican guy got robbed of his day pack which had a laptop and other things. Police came at 1am to the hostel so he could sign a statement saying he will not be signing a statement.
Than I heard in Karakol valley that a swiss lady and 2 french men got robbed at gun point.
Kyrgyzstan has cut out registration and check points so the over employed police department seem to be bored and finding something to do.
Oh yeah and this Japanese bike rider waited two weeks here and said (when I saw him again in Almaty) that he started smoking for something to do he was so bored waiting for paperwork.

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Comments

[joe the shit cleaner]

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got your concept down beautifully!! definitely a divorce in the end, did you get anything back in the end? the 2 french guys robbed at gunpoint are mates of mine. the police recovered their kit but wanted to get payed to give it to them!! i don't think they will ever come back eather. i am in pakistan now and its fabulous, a u-turn from central asia, especially the people,the culture and the prices. i love it even more on my second visit, i can only recommend it