stomach worries

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nice to be weighing in at 50kg again. didn't want anyone freaking out but i was waaaaaaaaaay too skinny for a few days there. im talking emaciated. but with loose skin. grossss. need to hit gym bigtime. am doing yoga but only one of the two classes that are on offer to me each day because i am still weak and really tired from the illness and havent completely recovered. have lost so much muscle tone its quite disheartening. there is no chance i could do any man push ups. having enough difficulty with plank into chaturanga. its a huge struggle.. im shaking all over just to get down. its a big difference to the way that i used to feel about my body.
i need to be gentle on myself because i was up all night sick again so of course i am tired. i dont like looking emaciated. the identity of a frail, slight girl makes me feel as though i am in a strangers shell. its not someone i relate to. i think because i am so short i really rely on my physical strength to provide me with a sense of confidence and of security. this is super interesting. its about the way that we associate so much of our idea about who we are with with the stories we tell ourselves about who we are. its the reason that sometimes an older man finds it so challenging to come to terms with the fact that he is ageing, because he is losing the physical strength which was so tied up with his notion of his self worth. it brings to mind for me the movie about schmidt with jack nicholson. if you haven't watched it, do so. very sad though.



went to see this absolutely amazing ayurvedic dr this morning who basically just listened to my pulse and has told me my life story. im going back tomorrow cos other patients arrived but he wante dto give me more advice with him thirstily taking in. im so blessed that so many people are so willing to so generously share their knowledge with me, without me even asking. when the student is ready the guru appears.

i think that we dont take enough care in our speech and thoughts. today i commit to remain in a loving space only.

im thinking a lot about what i am going to do when i return home.
if anyone has job for me in melb hook me up i am ready to start work the day after i get back!!!! 5 october. serious. need the dollars. so much to study and do in this world so need the cash to back it.

xxxxxx

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