You Lookin' At Me?

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I'm out at night with Sudah riding in the back of a rickshaw and of course its raining. I'm used to how this feels by now. Its not exciting anymore.

I've stopped starring at everything around me. How do you get to the point where vastitudes of homeless curled up on the sidewalks doesn't phase you? How do you not notice the cows causing a traffic jam? How do you not notice all the men peeing in the street? How do you not notice all the stinkin' trash everywhere? Why doesn't it make me uncomfortable to be constantly starred at? I think I've gotten....used to it.

Sudah asked me that night, "Do you ever feel scared Andrea?" The first thing I think is, "Why is she asking me this? No, I'm not scared. Should I be scared? Please tell me this isn't where you sling out the knife, slit my throat and take off with my bag. Oh God, now I feel scared..." I cut my imagination short and tell her, "Really, Sudah, I'm not scared. I'm comfortable here in India and with you." That's when she tells me her cell phone is out of minutes and needs to get a recharge. She asks the rickshaw driver to pull to the side of the road so she could run into a shop to buy more minutes. "I'll be right back she says." I'd just finished telling her how un-scared of a traveler I was but when she hops out of the rickshaw and I'm left alone in the dark and in the rain in this filthy thing with some strange man....I feel scared. I call after her, "Sudah! Wait! I'm coming with you." I hop out before she replies to me then realize this driver may leave us and take all our bags with him. Sudha agrees that's a possibility so she suggests I stand guard by the rickshaw to make sure he doesn't drive away and no one tries to steal our bags.

Are you kidding me? I'm a 105 pound white girl and she asks me to stand guard? Everything is more intense at night and the rain only adds to the dramatic backdrop. Its not pouring but its drizzling and I stand in the middle of the sidewalk getting wet and hoping to goodness Sudha is quick about her business.

Now I feel completely vulnerable. Now I feel uncomfortable. I'm noticing the homeless sleeping next to me. I'm noticing the cows roaming. I'm seeing all the stinkin' trash. But worst of all I notice I'm being starred at. And I don't like it. Three young men come out of a run down building next to me smoking their cigarettes and decide to linger on their parked motorcycles right in front of me. They're conversing back in forth in Tamil and I imagine they're saying, "What the heck is SHE doing out HERE?" Funny, I'm saying the same thing to myself! Hurry up Sudah.

I flash back in time about 9 years to a visit to Zanzibar. I'd read all the guidebooks about dressing modestly and not showing shoulders or knees. "But its soooooo hot! Come on!" Thinking I knew better than Lonely Planet I walk outside my hotel in a tank top and shorts and immediately feel like I may as well of been butt naked. The women are shrouded in black with only their eyes showing. I was starred at; glarred at by men and women. (Yes, I immediately changed clothes).

That's the same vulnerablility I'm feeling this night in Chennai--although my modesty has come a long way since Zanzibar. I'm being ogled as though I'd forgotten to put my pants on before leaving the house. Where is Sudah anyway? And what was all that bologna about not being scared?

It felt like forever but eventually my friend returned to find me standing by the side of the road soaking wet with a death grip on my shoulder bag. No one had bothered me. The men on the motorcycles got a good long look at the white girl trying to act like that was where she was suppose to be. The rickshaw driver didn't ride off with our bags.

And I was reminded how exciting India really is.

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