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Published: June 30th 2010
The wedding
The couple during the ceremonyI am working in India as a volunteer “Organization Development Advisor” and one of the small community based organizations I am supporting is a support group of people living with HIV and AIDS. It is largely run by HIV+ people - in fact the entire Board and staff of 4 bar one are all HIV+ and the group was founded out of grass roots need and passion.
It’s wedding season here in India (well certainly here in Odisha - it being June) and in just one week I have been invited to not one, but three weddings - and all to happen within the week (they certainly believe in short notice for most things here in India). In fact, I only got invited to the one I just attended the day before. All these weddings involve staff from the groups I work with - and I can lay no great claim to knowing any of these fine people really well (but would like to) except that I am the “foreigner” working with them.
For this last one (with the day’s notice), I didn’t even know exactly WHO it was getting married until I arrived at the venue - and
the venue was a Dharamsala right in the middle of an area I had never visited before in Bhubaneswar - an amazing complex of lake and temples including the famous Lingaraja Temple. This temple is an 11th Century shrine to Lord Shiva.
So as it turns out - the wedding (and I didn’t even know they were engaged!!) was between two HIV + people who currently work in the organisation. She had gotten married when she was 17 years old and two years later had a baby. Her husband worked far away and only came home every 6 months. When the baby was 1 ½ years old, the husband was suffering from fever which worsened. After a lot of expense including mortgaging her jewelry, the husband finally died - before his HIV+ status was confirmed. At that time she was only 22 years old. His family then cut off all ties to her and gave no support. Her health condition was also worsening at this time and she was also confirmed as HIV+ and she just lost herself. She was treated very badly by her husband’s family. Her mother & father came to her and took her back to
their home.
One day she was invited to attend a support group meeting of the organization I am working with and she started going every month. Her confidence gradually returned and she eventually ended up working in that organization.
The groom is her co-worker in this group, also HIV+ and never been married (I don’t think).
Only about a dozen people were at the wedding and it all happened in a small dark room. Why dark? Because the lights were broken. This room had a double bed and an attached bathroom. So being a Dharamsala - it was a guest room for pilgrims really.
First I thought the room was just being used as a ‘prep’ room - my friend and colleague who coordinates the support group was busy ‘working’ on the bride with a couple of other women - toe jewelry being fitted, toe-nail polish, backs of hands being ‘patterned’, red colour applied to the side of the feet, hair done. And then I was asked to leave so she could change into the wedding saree.
On my return I quickly realized that the ‘room’ was ‘it’in terms of where everything was to happen.
Lingaraja Temple
This is where the wedding took place (a room in a Dharamsala off the left side of this lake). Lingaraja main temple in background. In came the groom and it all started happening on the floor with a Brahmin priest who is also HIV+ and part of the group. This Hindu ceremony went on for ages with lots of symbolic things happening that were beyond me - involving incense, rice, bananas, coconuts, flowers, drawings on the concrete floor, and many mantras being repeated by bride and groom. I did notice a significant point where in turn each presented the other with a merigold garland around the other’s neck and people seemed to clap - so I figured this was the point of no return. However I have since learned that actually there had been a more official wedding held in Puri (about 50 klms away) some 10 days before. So …. ??
During all this the rest of us were having a nice time joking around in the background! So relaxed! And yes, the almost mandatory mobile phones ringing and being answered!!! And playing with mobile cameras - clicking each other in funny poses and having a giggle etc..
Then we had the most amazing Brahmin cooked temple food on banana leaves. I asked how I could find out to cook such great food and was told “you can’t - even we don’t know - it’s a Brahmin secret how they cook this and how it tastes so good”.
After the meal, I was talking to this guy who works for another HIV+ group - I had met him through work and I had (in my judgmental way) put him down as a bit of a career bureaucrat (the group is a peak body across India) with not too much depth. So I ask him if he is married and he says that his wife “expired” (= the Indian word for ‘died’!) over 2 years back. I said to him how that’s sad and ask if she was ill or what at the time? He tells me that she died of AIDS - which of course sends me reeling somewhat to then realize that this guy is just another very passionate and affected man who I assume is probably himself living with HIV and working in the area that he really believes in. Just goes to show.
NOTE: both the groom and bride who are featured in the photos have given me their consent to feature them alongside the text here that reveals their HIV status.
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Cheryl Wells
non-member comment
Great story
Hi Paul, seems like you are getting a real education about India and its people, fantastic experience for you. Hope all is going well for you. Do you have to bring gifts for the wedding couple?