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Published: November 30th 2007
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When Coley first handed me 9 hours of teaching English upon arrival, I thought it would be a nice way to ease back into my first job in 6 months, before finding a real job. What I quickly discovered is that while the Whore of the Orient is based on the fundamental principle of getting rich, none of that actually applies to employees. After all, why would a company want to hire an American on a Western salary, when they can get a Chinese dude that speaks English and pay him 100g rice per month? I've never seen so many "internships" offered in my life. I soon found myself locked away in an ivory tower, basking away in the World's Cushiest Job. Well, maybe not the cushiest: I did manage to accomplish the impossible and get fired from a teaching job, because I totally made them jump through hoops for me (not to mention, I still wonder if the other job I lost was because my lesson plan was too political....hmmm). But the only skills I needed to present interviewers were a non-threatening photo and an embellished resume. Did I say embellished? I mean completely accurate. I really did major in
English and teach Spanish-speaking kids at the Hartford Boys & Girls Club.
To all you kids out there, complaining about 1 hour of homework a day and just 2 days of weekend, you have no idea how good you have it. Chinese students have it rough. The red scarf/jump suit uniform is not only a way to show your devotion to the glory of the Communist Party, but also just one of a myriad of horrifying control tactics. These kids' lives are controlled from the minute they step into kindergarten, from yard exercises (turn, step, reach, bend), to weekend school, to the scary call to attention of "Class begins! Stand up, please! Good morning, teacher!" that awaits me at the start of every class. Not to mention, learning does not "unfold." Instead, facts are simply pounded into their heads with ruthless efficiency. In the Chinese education system, the teacher is God and as a student your job is not to learn the material, but to regurgitate your teachers dogma and do whatever it takes to pass his exams, regardless of whether or not he's a raving lunatic (which I probably am classified as). But I must say it is
very nice to know that if I'm ever losing control of the little ankle-biters, all I have to do is repeat my new vocab word and immediately the entire class will snap to attention, repeating the word in scary, cult-like unison. And since the ultimate punishment for a student is an embarrassing loss of face, you never single one student out for an answer, unless you're doing the same to everyone. You can always, in horrifyingly embarrassing fashion, send a naughty child to go stand in the back of the class (man! if only they had dunce caps in China!!), but be prepared for the possibility of making the cutest 8 year old girl you've ever seen bawl her squinty eyes out - ya, that was not a fun day. But no matter how bad my few "teacher flip-outs" have been (when combined with the "laowai flip-out" create the "laowai, teacher flip-out - the most ridiculous and confusing spectacle the Chinese have ever seen), they are nothing compared to the tongue trashing Chinese teachers unleash on these kids. Discipline is kept by reaming into a kid in front of everybody until he either cries or his ear drums split, whichever
comes first.
The first time class was delayed by soothing music over the loud speaker and a hypnotic voice counting 1-8, "一二三四五六七八," I was confused. Even more confusing was the way the kids seemed to go into a trance/mini-nap for 5 minutes of "eye-exercises." This is the stupidest, weirdest and most brilliant thing I've ever seen. Raise your hand if you've ever uttered the words "they should bring back nap time." Really, go ahead. I'll wait. Everyone, right? Well, Chinese students get 2 5-minute, battery-recharging naps a day, at least up through high school! (I'll have to get back to you with an update about college students when I find out). Many a hungover morning, I've pretended to be curious and asked the kids to show me how to delicately rub my brow, just to get a little 5-minute breather myself. But the weirdest part is the little gestapo kid assigned to walk around and make sure their classmates are doing the exercises correctly. You wouldn't believe how seriously they take this job! These schools are partially run like little, self-sufficient, "Countryside Re-education Camps" where the inmates/students run around policing themselves and doing half the chores. Seriously, can you
imagine an American 3rd-grader spilling his milk then running to mop it right up or erasing the board and setting up the projector before the teacher arrives?
It took me longer to drop the 2nd half of the sentence "I'm teaching English, but I'm looking for another job" than it did to actually quit looking for another job. But the truth is that with a free year, I don't need to run right back to the rat race. With teaching, the money is great (relatively, compared with the slave wages Western companies want to pay) and if you tell a Chinese person you're an English teacher, they are quite impressed and often end up asking to be tutored. I feel like a doctor getting pumped for free medical advice at a cocktail party, only just slightly less cool - I mean, the doctor may have gone through 8 years of Medical school, but I went through 26 years of English.....speaking....school......place....thing. So there! Besides, it's so easy - I mean, I'm a total expert in the field, after all - I can totally just wing it and as a part time teacher, I have absolutely zero responsibility. Not to mention,
it's an awesome way to learn Chinese. All I have to do is write a word on the board and say "什么意思?" and I get a 30-man dictionary at my beck and call. And I haven't even mentioned what a great way it is to meet the ultimate language tool - other teachers. And by that, I really mean cute Chinese girls (aka Long-Haired Dictionaries). These poor girls get such a raw deal, getting paid 1/5th of what I get and they have to sit in the office all day, regardless of how many classes they teach, while I come and go as I please.
Have I ever mentioned that Asian kids are adorable? These kids are either a total pleasure or my worst nightmare. They are either totally enamored with me or frightened half to death at the mere sight of me. You can go hoarse responding to the "ha-llo" cat-calls, just walking down the halls, let alone shouting over the screeching hyenas in the classroom. The job may be easy, but it certainly ain't a cake walk. I now have a new respect for people who work with kids, cause God knows I couldn't do this any longer than I have to. Throw in a language barrier and a generation of China's Little Emperors and I've had days I've wanted to come in a shoot up the school. But I guess I can get over it when an adorable little girl draws me a picture of me and her as a "Happy Family" and the first graders practically wet themselves running up to hug me. Aaaaah, I guess it ain't so bad😊 Maybe I should trade trade in my business school suit for a nice tweed blazer with elbow patches. Naaaaaaaah!
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PornoDan
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Columbine II
Wow! U r goin postal on the screeching hyenas. Is this a tribute to Columbine?