the last day in suzhou

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when i sit quietly and breathe i feel a deep hollow in my chest from crying

my crying is not from hurt or pain or anger, it is from a knowledge that i leave behind some of the greatest people this world holds.

eleven hours ago, i sat opposite Lao Wang and explained that i was leaving, he knew but thought it was tomorrow or saturday but it was today. a man exactly thirty years older than me, looking with eyes that have seen so much change in a country that changes faster than the blink of an eye, quickly figuring out what is happening and accepting it all.

and

when i told him, my head lowered because i could not look at him looking away to think, to read the words and to slightly wring his hands, without words. and i silently cried because of all that has gone before, because of all that i have learned and i have yet to learn and because i am going and it is the right time and i may not see him again.

he packed gifts in old paper and a box covered in material, tied it all up with nylon twine and fastened the box with a shoe lace into the basket of my toy bike. three 300 year old qing dynasty vases and turquoise and coral bracelets for patti but i don't need or want these things. because the gift of calmness, honesty, timelessness and trust that i have experienced with a wise man are worth more than any ancient objects.

and all i can give him is tea and time and photographs and words and leaving.

today, i have been with one after another caring person who have become more than friends - my chinese family.

and strangely, i stopped taking photos when i began to cry.

so i want to thank my jie jie and shu shu for letting me live in their house, cai gen lin for his buddhist patience and laughter, sarah and her dad for taking me to the station, getting us all into the special waiting room without tickets, amanda for being the best ever, ever, ever and for laughing and crying at the same time as saying that she got used to my stupid complaining and my stupid voice and really doesn't want me to go, and all the students who wished me luck, and to sharon for the little laugh we had this afternoon and to the biggest surprise ever - cheng hong waiting in the lane outside my house with a gift of a 1,000 year old chinese coin, then he carried my bag, came to the station and waited one hour and was the last person i saw in suzhou

but there are no pictures because they are too real now and i know i will go back.

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