Cambodia: Random Journal Entries; The Martyr Stewart Guide To Living In Style (on a motorbike, and in Cambodia).

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Almost anything can be accomplished while living on the back seat of a motorbike. Ask me, I've probably done it (apart from activities without my marital partner, but these can be surmised). You can dress, undress, wash, fix hair and even put on makeup (pre-wedding arival), eat, write, sleep, take photos, draw up construction plans, sing, vomit and even change a tampon. OK, that last one may be a little too much information for some, but it can be done! I'm sure. The locals can do the other bodily functions they have no difficulty performing in public whenever the urge hits. A few may even have given birth on a bike although one presumes it to have been brought to a standstill at some point in the proceedings.

During my first lap around Cambodia, I spent close to a month when I rarely found myself on my own two feet and it occured to me that a certain Ms. Martyr S. (Name change to avoid lawsuit) with her recent incarceration experience, could make some suggestions for living in style while on the move and on a limited budget. If starting out from scratch so to speak, one important consideration comes to mind. The crash helmets really should match the paintwork and style of the bike. If it's a machine abandoned after the war, a German infantry style topper may look good. Then it's of importance to match the outer clothing in like theme such as camo or distressed leathers and huge "Fuck Off" boots.. Sporty bikes get sporty gear etc. You get the picture.

When it comes to accessorizing the general rule is to keep it simple. In Cambodia the 'Pimped Out' bike not only looks ridiculous but screams out to be raped and pillaged as parts are stolen from it. Avoid stickers on the tank and never put them on your head gear. The high incidence of spiinal cord and brain injury from accidents means that your nice shiny top will likely contact the ground at some time, and you want it to glide as smoothly as possible, so keep it slick.

Imagine my horror when my friend/driver Sophat (I was banned from driving MY bike after crashing in Loas - with less injury than anticipated - and dropping this one twice, busting off the right side brake lever. 'This one' being a 250cc Suzuki dirt bike) appeared from the market carrying a $1.00 cushion for my bum in the garish colours of orange, pink, yellow, green and red. To top it all, it was made of a slippery shiny satin, trimmed with a hideous frill! Naming it my 'brothel pillow', I put any sense of style behind and beneath me. It had a job to do as skin was fast disappearing from my arse.

So we've covered the areas of clothing, helmets and accessories. That leaves the personal sense of style and poise of the driver and passenger. There's more leeway as a passenger because we, obvioulsly, are not responsible for aiming the vehicle in the right direction and avoiding everything in our path, all with a sworn mission to collide with us and anything else available. I find it very important to look cool and casual and this is not accomplished by clinging on either to the driver or to any bike part. A knee grip of iron is all that's needed in times of light speed acceleration, more often used used to impress the locals than for any life saving manoeuver. Such action should never take the passenger by surprise causing a clutch reflex which will just cast you in the light of being a novice biker. Not cool. Sensible perhaps, but it's all about looking chilled out!

There are other ways of riding pillion to get noticed, and I've done a few of them in spite of their Darwinian de-selection consequences. These usualy require a high dgree of balance and agility not available to many, ooh, and a low IQ or marked suicidal tendency is a pre-requisite. There you are boys and girls. With these suggestions we can all ride around Cambodia without any proof of an ability to see, hear, think or co-ordinate ones body parts. We do not need a license, to have insurance or even to be sober, but we can be stylish and ..............dead!!

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