A Moral Dilemma

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I had made up my mind to leave this Saturday. I would have bought my bus ticket today if they let me, they only sell tickets the day before departure.

That gave me more time to think, and now I am totally confused.

Some guy (who was originally trying to sell me sunglasses) accompanied me for most of my walk home from the ticket counter. About ten minutes into our walk, some words came up that I didn't understand, and he said with surpise "ahhh, there are words you don't know..." There are A LOT of words I don't know. But, apparently I'm a good guesser. I don't like admitting when I don't understand something, so usually I just guess and throw out an answer to see if it works. If it does, and our conversation continues smoothly for a couple more exchanges, then most likely I was right. And I learn something without admitting that I didn't know it before. It's a good technique. Got me through high school.

Anyways, I said goodbye to Sunglasses Man several blocks from the house and started packing when I got home. Feeling good.

But not for long.

The professor wasn't at the center as usual, and again it was just me and the kids. They asked me when I would be leaving for the US. I know what they really wanted to know was when I would be leaving them, but I couldn't bring myself to tell them I'd be leaving Huancayo in a week, so I just said August (it wasn't exactly a lie, because that is when I leave for the US... from Lima).

I read them the books I translated from English to Spanish on the spot, and then I read the same books over and over again because kids like that. I helped them with their math, history, spanish and english homework. I was handed a note from one shy boy who said the note was from another shy boy who looked away, it said: Te quiero, Miss ("MEECE," that's what they call me). I drew a picture for one girl who asked, and then drew for everybody else who of course wanted one until I couldn't draw anymore. Then we played a sort of musical chairs game. Then they helped me clean up. Then I gave each of them a pencil. They lined up, and one at a time, accepted they FABULOUS gifts of one yellow #2 pencil each. Man were they happy. Then the girls started beating eachother up, and fortunately the other day I learned words to deal with such a situation (the last time there was a fight, I realized that I only new nice, pleasant words suited for dealing with cordial and happy situations, so I stocked up).

Then I walked the little ones (and a couple big ones) home because it was dark outside. We hopped over puddles and balanced on curbs, and I sang them the ABCs one last time in my dry, quiet voice, wishing wasn't still sick. Waiting for the cambi, one of the kids said "oh one minute, meece!" then ran to a tienda and waved me over. The woman behind the counter smiled widely and handed me a bag of some sweet puffed chip type thing (I just ate while I was writing this). "How much is it?" I asked. "It's free." she replied, and said amusedly "how much, she says..." I smiled, "Why?" "Because you are their teacher. 'how much, she says...'"

I mean, I believe I'm not important. I believe, sure I can leave. Who cares. "I'm not important." But what if I am? What if the kids think it's their fault? I wish I could talk to somebody about this. But I think I'm the only person who knows why I have to do what I have to do. Actually, I'm not sure I even know (just my heart, but really that's the only thing I know I can trust). I can't expect anybody to understand my situation. If somebody tells me to stay, I'll probably think theyre saying that for THEIR reasons and not my own. I only want to here "GO." So is that the solution to my dilemma? I mean, usually my heart tells me to do thing that are best for everybody. My head is saying that it's not best for everybody.

Okay, I know what I have to do.

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Comments

[annie88]

I wish you would tell me what it is you went there for :’( You are an amazing Ninna. I want to have another conversation with you in Spanish! I don’t like admitting when I’m wrong, but I don’t have a problem admitting when I don’t understand something. I think I’m a little too curious (annoying) when I talk to people lately. Who is the professor? Is he annoying or something? YES sorry I got excited reading the word August (when you return). I can picture all the kids clinging onto you. What did you do when you got the note from the little boy? That must’ve been kind of awkward. I don’t get why that woman repeated “how much she says” but I can picture that situation and for some reason, it’s annoying me. Maybe I’m just irritable. You are important and not just to me and mom and dad. You’re important to those kids. Teachers, even assitant teachers, don’t realize the extent of their impact of the lives of others. Yes, you could leave. And the fact that you have chosen not to shows that you care. That’s what’s really important- that you actually care. The best teachers and the most influencial people need to care, and you do. About being important? No one is important to the world. Actually, there are some supposedly “important” people that our world could do without. Talk to me! Please call me tomorrow (Monday) afternoon. I’ll send you an e-mail reminding you in case you don’t get this comment today. You are the only person who knows why you have to do what you’re doing, but I think it would be good for you to share that with someone. I vote me =D I’ve told people what I’m passionate about and what I want to do, but I kind of only want to tell you and maybe a word document. GO. Your head should remind you that humans act out of self-interest. If we didn’t, we wouldn’t be humans, we would be Jesuses (lol wow I am blasphemous). Expect influence and knowledge and growth and discoveries (and this applies to life in general); And expect all that to effect the next path that life will lead you to. We are lucky and priveledged. But we are human. And we are all part of the same blanket (Huckabees<3).