The Completely Idiotic Idiot’s Guide to Getting In and Out of Australia

---

If I haven’t mentioned it before, the word for travel comes from the French word “travail” which means: to work. That may sound like an oxymoron, as you usually travel to relax, but some days...oh yeah, it’s work. If you’ve been bored with our fluffy, happy-go-lucky, sheep-and-roses-and-sunshine blogs of late, this blog is for YOU. (And we’re laughing now, but at the time...oh, man. Bring on the nervous breakdown). Today was our version of “The Amazing Race” - except it wasn’t fun, nor did we win a million dollars. Bummer.

(Also, a sincere apology in advance to any and all who have had pleasant experiences in Australia. We want to like it there. We really do. But apparently it’s just not in the cards for us.)

Well, it’s hard to believe, but exactly one year ago today, we landed in Beijing to begin the first leg of our journey abroad. Now, we are FINALLY sitting in our hostel in Singapore (twenty-four hours later), starting the third and final leg of our trip - another six weeks in southeast Asia!!

It’s been an emotional couple of days, to say the least. Saying goodbye to all our friends in Queenstown was simply devastating. Although we can come back to visit them on vacation at some point down the road, chances are we’ll never be able to live there again...which is a sad thought indeed. Why is that you can’t continue to be in area you love simply because you were born in a different country? How refreshing this world will be when there are no borders, no immigration control, and no one telling you that you have to leave simply because you hold the wrong passport!!

In the meantime, though, here we are. Our last-minute attempt to sell our car yielded no results, save for a Chilean paragliding instructor who offered us a pitiful $1000 (about $700US) to take it off our hands (no thanks - it’s a great car!). So our little Toyota is safely entrusted to Stacey, who hopefully can find a home for it in our absence. We had a great final night out in Queenstown with all of our friends, who treated us to lots of apple cider and tequila shots and sent us off in style!

To put it mildly, we were gutted to leave. As soon as Queenstown faded out of view from the window of our plane, I couldn’t do anything except cry. It’s not that we don’t miss everyone at home, nor would we want to stay in New Zealand forever - but we definitely were not ready to leave yet. We were just starting to feel settled and really getting to know our friends and enjoy the area...and time was up. Poof. Time to leave the country. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200 (save it for Sydney - you’re going to need it!).

Anyway, on a brighter note, I am actually glad that we got to fly out Queenstown, because the 45-minute flight was absolutely the most breath-taking and scenic flight of my life. (And...you guys will love this...there is absolutely no ID check at the airport in Queenstown. You walk through security and do the whole X-ray thing for your bags, but never once do they actually check your passport or boarding pass. Anybody can come in, print out a boarding pass, and walk right onto the plane. There is also a big friendly sign that reads, “Yes! You can bring your liquids onboard!” No 3 oz. requirements here. No taking your shoes or belts off. Seriously, guys...it’s a whole other world down here.) Anyway, the view of the Remarkables, Lake Wakatipu, and little Queenstown nestled on the shoreline was spectacular. The plane looped across the southern Alps, which was nothing but endless layers of snowy peaks as far as the eye could see. We flew over Wanaka, Lake Tekapo, and past Mt. Cook (the highest peak in NZ, at 12,000+ feet) before descending into the flat green Canterbury plain and into Christchurch. CHCH had just been rocked the previous day by two more 5-pointer aftershocks (they’ve had over 1,000 aftershocks since the initial quake last month).

Our plan was to make it into the city for one more night of Mexican and to view some of the damage to the central business district, but we ran into a slight issue with our “airport hotel” - it was neither near the airport nor near CHCH (nor a hotel, really). We paid $20 for a five-minute taxi ride to what appeared to be just a truck stop in the middle of nowhere (by a driver who was downright rude - Kiwis on the whole have been the friendliest people I’ve ever met, but this guy was definitely an exception. We were surprised by the high price of the taxi ride, and he fairly threw our bags out of his trunk and said, “Well, you could have walked!” Take a chill pill, dude. Seriously.) Anyway, there were about ten rooms tacked onto the backside of a greasy spoon diner. (Of course, as soon as we walk in, we get the question, “Why didn’t you call us for pick-up? We offer free airport pick-up.” Thanks for letting us know when we booked - argh!!!!)

Being nowhere near any sort of transportation into the city (and looking at $40 each way for a taxi), we resolved ourselves at 3pm to just stay put. I went into a grease-induced coma after sampling the diner’s fish and chips and fell asleep...well, almost immediately. Jeremy stayed awake long enough to feel the aftershock that hit about 9:30pm, but alas, I slept right through it, and it was over before he could wake me up. Drat! That would have been the only redeeming feature of our final night in NZ.

We awoke at 4am this morning and caught a taxi (because, of course, only the PICK-UP from airport is complimentary, not the drop-off), then proceeded to have another fun ordeal while checking in for our flight to Sydney. (Remember last year, when we got to the airport in Singapore and had to purchase Australian visas on the spot?). Well, I had done my homework this time and made 100% sure that, since we’re only “passing through” the airports, that we were not in need of a visa. The question arose while we were trying to check in, which led to several of the airline’s supervisors studying our itinerary in-depth to determine if we were in fact eligible to board the flight. At last (thankfully) they decided that we were (I swear, Americans would have an easier time getting into the middle east than Australia - I cannot believe our rotten luck with this place!).

Regardless of what the crew in CHCH had decided, I was still holding my breath until we got to the immigration checkpoint in Sydney. Again, our itinerary was questioned and debated, since we technically had to leave the airport and “transfer” to the domestic terminal. In the end, they let us through, and here we sit, but still...really?? Do Jeremy and I look THAT threatening? It was nearly as bad as our full-out interrogation in Darwin last year. Amazing that we can waltz right into China, Vietnam, and Singapore and be greeted with smiles, yet it feels the Aussies look for every possible excuse to keep us out of their country. I don’t get it. It’s a shame, too, because everyone just LOVES Australia and raves about how wonderful it is, and we’ve had nothing but terrible experiences here. Go figure.

Anyway, once they let us in, we then had to take the shuttle bus from the international terminal to the domestic terminal. Which cost $5.50, thank you very much. I’ve been to airports on five different continents and have never ONCE had to pay to transfer anywhere within the actual airport (can anyone else provide a similar story?). We were shocked, to say the least, especially considering they only accepted cash and, seeing as though we’re on our way to Singapore, we had no Aussie dollars on us. Argh. Back to the ATM we go (international transaction fee - thank you very much!) all to catch a bus to the next terminal. When we asked the woman working the curb if there were any other options for getting there, her flippant response was, “You can walk!” (It’s about 3 miles, by the way). This same woman then denied a flustered older couple the right to get on the bus, even though they pleaded that they were about to miss their flight and they’d been told to board that exact bus. The woman on the curb actually yelled to the driver, “Shut the doors! Don’t let them on!” The poor old lady was near tears as the bus pulled away without them. We were appalled by the non-existent customer service here last year, and today has done nothing to change our opinion, I’m sorry to say.

The icing on the cake was arriving at the domestic terminal (where we have a 6-hour layover before our next two flights). We walked up to the café and asked the cashier if they had any gluten-free options for Jeremy. Her response was a vague gesture towards a stack of muffins. Two seconds later, while Jeremy and I were still standing at the register, discussing what to buy, she loudly shouted, “Next customer!” right in our ears. It wasn’t even busy. I mean...really? It’s like the pre-requisite for working at this airport is being rude and discourteous.

Just when we thought our day might finally be calming down...ohhhhhhhhhh no!! It was just getting warmed up. We went to the counter to check in for our flight to Darwin and were asked for proof of departure from Singapore. We have tickets home from Bangkok in six weeks, but apparently that doesn’t count as “proof” that we’re leaving Singapore. As we flew into Singapore last year (from Cambodia) with no proof of onward departure, this one took us totally for a loop. We were told that we had two hours to purchase some type of transportation out of Singapore and provide proof of it, or we would be getting to know Sydney very, very well. (Actually, on second thought, we [i[wouldn’t...this is funny now that I’m thinking about it. We would be like Tom Hanks in “The Terminal” - as we don’t have visas to be in Australia, we probably wouldn’t be allowed to leave the airport. Nor would we be allowed to board our flight to Singapore. We would be allowed to go nowhere. How interesting!)

Anyway, a la “The Amazing Race,” we bounded downstairs in search of an internet kiosk (which, incidentally, lies beyond the security checkpoint, which, incidentally, you don’t need a boarding pass for - didn’t know airports still existed where you can do that!). We of course are selected for “random” explosives screenings, as we’re both looking pretty panicked and nervous at this point. Down the stairs we go to find the internet center, which of course only takes cash. Which, of course, we have none of. I pull $5US out of my wallet and take them over to the cash exchange bureau to grab a few Aussie dollars. The exceptionally nice lady behind the counter informed me that it was a $4 changing fee and I would only be receiving 90 cents back. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at that point. Back to the ATM we go for another $20.

So we sit down and finally get online and go immediately to the Singapore-Malaysia train website. Yep, you guessed it...the site was down. No, really. It was down. On we go to the lovely kayak.com to search for flights. Up pops a $30 flight from Singapore to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, on Monday night. Out come our credit cards to purchase said flights. Back up to the counter we race with our printed itinerary. The Australian government then declared that we were officially able to leave their country...after not really wanting us to come here in the first place, apparently.

Then our flight out of Sydney was delayed an hour, which meant we were an hour late getting into Darwin. Which meant we were bumped to the front of the plane and literally asked to RUN to the gate to board our waiting flight to Singapore (and receive lots of dirty looks from our fellow passengers, as if it was OUR fault that there was a gas spill on the tarmac. Oh, well. It went with the day). We nearly kissed the ground in lovely Singapore when we landed (and felt air-conditioning for the first time in a year - what a concept!)

So here we are. Stepping off the plane in Singapore was like coming home...and not just because it was NINETY degrees outside at 11pm (I am sweating profusely as we speak). Seriously, it feels like we were just here yesterday. We made it all the way to our hostel without looking at a map once. Fantastic!!

So...it’s been a very, VERY long day. Jeremy is dreaming of his Indian curries and I’m dreaming of another couple of days in this big, clean, beautiful Asian city. We officially have NO PLANS whatsoever for the next three weeks (except, apparently, for flying to KL on Monday) before we arrive in Chiang Mai, Thailand for my massage courses - we’re making it up as we go along, so we’ll see where we end up!! I have a feeling we’re going to sleep very well tonight...

---

Comments

[carol powers]

is there any place more beautiful?
Can't believe the final photos of NZ - it must have been more than heartbreaking to leave such a paradise of mountains and prestine lakes and friendly kiwis. Australia sounds like an absolute nightmare and from your experiences there I don't think I have any desire to visit it. Unfortunately a lot of times we don't know what is in store for us - even if you needed the extra proof of leaving up the road the rudeness didn't have to accompany it. Thank goodness you were not at the "forever" airport - especially there. Cannot believe the rudeness to the older couple - completely uncalled for - don't even think you would find that in some of the cities that are noted for having rude people. Opens your eyes as to how things are in some places verses all the "great" things that are supposed to be there. I agree that if a large portion of people are rude in a country "even Australia" than somehow the turnoff to visit is very much increased despite what they say they have to offer. The fun of traveling is to interact with the culture and all that goes with it - no warmth from people is a very big negative as far as I am concerned and certainly at this point would have no desire to visit such a place - even Australia. Best wishes on the rest of your trip - glad you arrived in Singaore safe. (Did you ever feel like Dumb and Dumber at any point?) Was I in Austria or Australia? hahahaha

[Joe Smuin]

Travel woes.
Amy and Jeremy: It has been my life experience that when things start to go wrong, they usually take on the appearance and behaviour of an avalanche. So it seems with your passage through Australia. I think that you will have figured out by now that I'm not a big fan of some aspects of American culture and American points of view. There are unquestionably a lot of explanations for what happened to you two while you attempted to get through Australia. One of those things may be that you reaped the fruits of the behaviour of Americans who preceded you through the years. There isn't a lot of hostility towards Americans for no little reasons. Americans abroad tend to have pretty big mouths, to be pretty certain of their superiority and to be ignorant and dismissive of other sensibilities and ways of doing things. That's not to suggest that you two did anything wrong or were the least bit deserving of what happened. However, intense dis-like of Americans on general principle might be an explanation for what happened in Australia. Still, it is a measure of your good characters as to how you responded to all this baloney. From what I've seen over the years, I'd have to say that you showed a LOT more grace than we'd usually expect from Americans under such circumstances. People like you are the reason that nobody should ever be anti-American on general principle. I think that your description of your nasty and probably totally undeserved treatment shows a lot of class and speaks very well of you. It is also interesting to read your comment about Singapore being ahead of America in technology. Living here in an area with a very high percentage of Chinese, I've heard that in many of the bigger Asian cities, especially Beijing, they are far, far ahead of us, now in things like public transportation and technical conveniences. cheers, Joe

[Aerogers]

The "Nasty" American
Hey, Joe! This is Jeremy, giving Amy a break from the fun of writing responses. After all, this is OUR blog, and I hardly get to write a thing! :) I think the best way to reply to this is that I feel very frustrated being lumped in with the older generation of American travelers. Having worked in a foreign country and serving up to 50 of them at a time, I can say that they tend to be nice to American waiters, but not so much to foreign ones. That being said, they like being in their comfort zone, and when things are not exactly the way they are back home it takes them out of that. In my opinion: why bother traveling if you want it to be like home? Unfortunately, it's a generation that didn't have very good foreign policy. I hope in the next 15 or so years that the US-World relations improve. I have noticed that our generation of American travelers have been very respectful of others customs and willing to try new things. Hopefully other countries will pick up on that. Thanks for the comment, Joe! We'll be sure to take you up on that Vancouver offer sometime, now that I have a couple of friends in the area. ;)

[Joe Smuin]

Thanks for your note.
Jeremy: Your note is much appreciated. I was a bit afraid afterward I sent my last comment that I may have given offense. There's much that I'd love to comment upon, but this blog really isn't the most appropriate place. It would be a huge injustice to tar all Americans with the same tar brush. Still, It gets very tiresome to listen to American expressions of patriotism and national pride, though. Moreover, some of the things that you found remarkable about how things are done in NZ were a little hard for some of the rest of us to take without comment. However, again, perhaps we can communicate once in awhile privately, where these sorts of responses to your comments probably should remain. I'd love to visit with you folks that way as time passes. I have so thoroughly enjoyed the Blog. You have some wife. By the sounds of it, she has a pretty fair husband, too. I wish I'd had 1/4 of your gumption and the open-mindedness when I was your age. Please do keep in touch, especially once the blog ends. cheers, Joe

[Aerogers]

Hiya Joe
Hi Joe, don't worry, we took no offense to either of your comments. There is a lot of truth behind your observations. I think the fair thing to say is that there are "ugly" travelers of all nationalities, and it's unfair to label someone a certain way just because of where they're from. As far as how things are done in NZ...well, it could be summed up as a question of efficiency. It's not that Americans or anyone else are "better" - it's just frustrating to know first-hand that there are more efficient ways of doing things that would make life easier for everybody, and yet your opinion is immediately discounted as being elitist and patriotic when you're merely trying to make a suggestion that has nothing to do with "how we do it back home" or such. The attitude there seems to be, "This is how we do it, we don't care if there's a different/more efficient/more cost-effective way of doing it, and if you don't like it, that's too bad." Coming from a society that is constantly looking at new ways to do things, that type of thinking is very narrow and frustrating. Not bad. Not worse. Just frustrating. Hopefully nothing we said in our blogs came across as too offensive, because that wasn't our intention. When you travel (and especially live) somewhere abroad, you can't help but comment on what you like and what you don't like about a place. I think that's only fair. Anyway, enough rambling. Cheers to you, too!!

[anonymous]

I loved this blog:> Sorry it was that crazy... I am spending all day rereading all the blogs that I haven't read:> Phenomenal:> Great great... and I just adore Amy's sense of humor:>

[Aerogers]

Thanks Anonymous!
It's nice to be appreciated. :-)