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Published: February 26th 2005
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Jakob
You lookin' at ME?! In all innocence I offered to babysit Jakob for Steph and Derek last night, so that they could go out for dinner on Jonathan and Kim's last night in Puerto. Jakob, of course, is a wonderful baby, good humoured, always, smiling, and with a larger repertoire of different laughs than any other baby I have ever met. I feel the need to underline this, lest anyone get the wrong impression. What was to follow must be understood as entirely my fault, the result of my own inadequaciesand inexperience.
I had always gotten on well with Jakob. Derek had taken to dropping him in my arms over the last few days when he needed to get something done, and he never seemed to mind too much. So I figured I would spend a happy half hour to an hour making him laugh and then it would be bedtime and I would retire to the rooftop palapa to read in the cool night air. All in all, an idyllic evening.
Right. Everything started to go awry even before Steph and Derek left. Steph suggested that I take Jakob into the bedroom and play with him for half an hour, after which it would
Jakob and I
See - He likes me, I swear. be bottle time, then a story or two and bed. Unfortunately, Jakob caught site of the prepared bottle the moment we walked into the room, at which point playing was really no longer an option. He immediately began to wail, and Steph allowed as how we had better change tack and give him the bottle right away. Unfortunately, as I was giving him his bottle he could still hear his mom and dad in the next room. Clearly, he felt I was unacceptable alternate bottle-giver, and demonstrated his displeasure by periodically pushing the bottle away from his mouth to screech healthily and heartily for a few minutes until I could coax the bottel back into his mouth. After about fifteen minutes of this the bottle was only about half done, and Vanessa came in to inform me that Steph thought we should give him a change of scenery. Nerves frayed, I responded a little testily that I thought that Steph should get the hell out of the house. Nevertheless, I was grateful for the advice and took Jakob into the living room, pausing briefly to wave frantically at Steph to get away from the window where she was peering in.
Needless to say, the change of scenery did little to appease young Jakob. I was getting desperate now, the high pitched cries of infant desolation cutting straight to my core. I grasped for different toys, waving them frantically in front of him, each failure underscoring my own inadequacy in not knowing the magic sequence that might restore Jakob to his usual smiling, laughing self. Finally a book with flip down pictures revealing various animals seemed to do the trick. Jakob looked dubiously from me to the book as i turned each page. He wasn't smiling, but santa-maria-madre-de-dios he wasn't screaming either.
This reprieve, however, was not to last. He shortly got bored of the book and returned to wailing. Adding to my distress, I had learned the day before that Jakob had recently taken to stopping breathing when crying too vigourously. Although I had been assured that a little shake or a pat on the back would start him up again, it was not a theory I was anxious to test. I spent the next half hour desperately alternating between the book, the bottle, other toys, the living room, the bedroom, seeking from moment to moment the particular combination that might soothe the lad.
The only thing that ever worked was the book, for a few minutes at a time. Once, when I folded down a bush to reveal a sheep, he abruply broke out into a big smile, looked up at me and let out a hearty guffaw. But it was not to last, indeed not a few seconds later he seemed suddenly to remember that he was supposed to be crying and his smile transformed to grimace before he opened wide and howled again.
After about another half hour of this, I was pretty much reduced to a gibbering mess. I desperately clung to the little book, the only thing that had provided any relief, flipping pages and folding down flaps and trying to keep the raw edge out of my voice as I read the lines. Then suddenly, Jakob stopped crying, looked at me reading to him, glared briefly as if to say "You idiot, can't you see I'm exhausted?", and flipped over onto his stomach to go to sleep.
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anonymous
non-member comment
Keep practising
dude - that's hysterical. i'm sitting in singapore laughing my ass off! i feel so much pain for you - and Jake - but man -you're nuts trying to put someone else's kid to sleep. but don't quit now - i can't wait to leave our kids with you... - Maya's dad