twentyfour

---

Last week was the first week of my second term. I can’t believe that it’s been three months. I find myself yet again full of emotions and questions about life. Will I ever feel the way I was before and at peace? The past week I had some interesting conversations about life, Korea and work. I’ve been thinking of quitting lately but the fact of leaving another job mid contract and only three months into it make me feel like I’m a failure at something and maybe the constant battle of not being happy has to do with me and not my surroundings. Do I even want to be here and what’s keeping me from starting my real life. I think I’m making excuses. I have this plan in my head but for some reason I have such a hard time starting it. I think I’m afraid of failing. I’m afraid that I’ll only have one shot at life…real life. So the longer I postpone it, there’s less of a chance that I’ll fuck it up. I always thought that if I could make other people believe that I was happy or life was ‘perfect’, it would be, but the truth is, I’m tired of pretending.

I laugh because I don’t want to cry. I make fun because I am bitter. I keep my mind busy because I don’t want to think about reality. And I constantly find my past haunting me and my relationships every day. There’s a reason I can’t trust people. There’s a reason I’m bitter. And there’s a reason I’m so reluctant to let people in. For the fear of knowing that what happened in previous relationships will happen again and for the fear of getting hurt again. Maybe there’s some part of me that’s afraid of commitment and unable to stick to one thing. I’ve been trying to think about one time in my life when I was truly happy and it’s really hard to do that. Why do we stay in relationships that hurt us? Do you ever think we’ll ever be able to forgive and forget everyone that has hurt us? And why do we hold on to memories that just hurt us?

I’ve been seriously trying to figure out what I want from life, but I just can’t seem the pinpoint it. It was my 24th birthday today. I hate my birthday. And this one was definitely one that I will remember. One full of laughter and tears, but I’m trying to look at it as a fresh start. A new year. Another year older. And hopefully a little wiser. It’s been one hell of a ride.

---

Comments

[erika]

i get this!
suz. i just want you to know how creepy it is that i have been pondering the same things today. wondering if i can ever let go of past hurt. wondering if i am living out of fear instead of just enjoying life and living. wondering if i'm just depressed because i dont feel like i used to feel anymore. i feel like nothing is good enough. wondering why i keep moving.. maybe this is what being in the 20's is all about or maybe we both are crazy together! but either way, i just wanted you to know i get this. i really get this. and something about being abroad makes us feel even crazier. but dont worry your not. and i love you. i'd love to chat with you more! its been far too long. my email should be listed, or there is always myspace:)

[kj]

and so it is.
nd so it is, just like you said it would be... life goes easy on me... Most of the time. And so it is, the shorter story, no love, no glory... no hero in her skies............. I can't take my eyes off you. you know susan. this world isn't easy. but nobody said this world or life would be. sometimes it's hard to take a step back and see how the world has evolved around us, and maybe on a microscale: how we've become biased and evolved with a culture that we didn't even realize was revolving. we all change, we all learn, adapt, and eventually grow from our experiences. But sometimes we focus too much on the micro picture, and it's all we can focus on, the negative thoughts, the hurt, the relationships and the moments that bring us on the verge of both tears... and joy. But. Wait. Stop. Slow. Down. Take a step back... look at the macro picture. You're learning more about yourself now and your own ability than you might have thought. You're learning how you deal with being alone, with other people, with cultural changes, and with an amazing experience that may shape the very core of your being. For better or worse, these are the times. I saw Obama speak last night, and all I can think is, "this. is. the. time." period. This is it Susan. you're living your life. you've started your real life. you're living. You're enduring. You're learning. And you're doing it better than 98% of the world's population. There are millions and 10's of millions of people who will never embark on the same journey you have with the same experiences. That makes you, and your growth... well, unique. don't stop. -kj