sometimes

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Sometimes we know what is best for us, but that doesn’t mean that it makes things any easier. Sometimes what’s best for us doesn’t always feel as good.

Well, it’s been two months since coming to Seoul and six months since coming to Korea. Sometimes I wake up and wonder what the hell was I thinking when I decided to get on that plane with all the chaos that was going on. Sometimes I wonder if I was running from something. Lately I’ve been feeling really homesick and the slightest thing can change my mood from not having a care in the world to freaking out about the tiniest detail of life. Thinking about things, about life makes me cry because for once I feel so uncertain about life and what I want from it.

This morning I woke up inspired. I don’t know where it came from, but it was this optimistic feeling of wanting to know my purpose in life and wanting to start fresh. I thought about things that I haven’t thought about in a long time, thoughts of going back to school, thoughts of wanting to volunteer again and give back to my new community and thoughts of moving back to the states. Sometimes I wonder where these feelings come from.

Since I got to Seoul I started seeing this guy. A great guy, that really cares about me. But I realized this weekend how much I was starting to get attached to him. It was starting to scare me. You never see it coming, it just kind of happens. So much is going through my mind, but in the midst of all this, I came to realize that I've found my identity in him for the last two months while living here. After today, there’s a good chance that I may not hear from him again, and although that is sad because he's been such a huge part of my life and experience here in Seoul, I think that I would be ok. I cry about it because it saddens my heart and to loss such a great friend is so hard to do. But I can take it for what it was, a lesson learned and an experience that I will never forget. Sometimes I wonder if I’m forgettable. And I hope in this case, I’m not. That he will take away as much from this relationship as I have.

Truth is that it's crazy how the decisions we make in life determine so much of who we are and how things turn out. It’s crazy how our pasts can come to haunt us and affect so much of our future. It's mind blowing to think that we have so much say or choice to what happens to us. And yet so much of life is unpredicted. The moment we think we have it all figured out it throws us a curve ball and before we know it, our world is turned upside down and going in a direction we didn't expect. But that's the best and worst thing about life, the unexpected little things that keep it suspenseful and worth wild. Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes life is great. Sometimes you just need a minute to take it all in.

peace and love.

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Comments

[kj]

sometimes you're right
hey susan, you're right, sometimes you need to just take a minute to take it all in... sometimes the people we meet affect us in ways we didn't think possible. They help shape who we become as a person or how we think as individuals of a global society. Sounds like you met someone who changed you a bit, that's excellent. Even if you never speak again, it's still the learning experience, and they take a part of you with them when they leave... sometimes we don't have that minute to take it all in. Sometimes we need to make that minute for ourselves. Sometimes when we take ourselves out of the small details of the problem at the time and look at the bigger picture, we realize what a relatively small issue it is... life is short. "problems" are vast. this is a trying time for all of us. life will never be the same. never.