Supergirl & Scubasteve do Andes & Machu Picchu

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6th Sept...
The Lima doom room doubles up as super Wills gym and he froggetts all over the space before we head out to Barranca, another boho hippy area and we wander through the bridge of sighs and head for a seafood place on the beach of pebbles. The food is fresh fish galore and we gobble as much as we can in case its our last chance! Some local traders talk us into buying a few cool man beads and we walk away with some token happy backy 😊 This area seems more wealthy but its still a kind of misfit ghost town and I'm convinced its housing draculas everywhere. A friendly local chats to us about the area but Will wants to sample the happybacy so we head back to doomroom and research a couple of recommended restaurantos. After 2 taxis and closed venues we opt to wing it and by glorius chance find the best little hole in the wall tucked away in the back streets serving the tastiest fish stew soup and vintage red wine. We also worked out we miscalculated the exchange rate and things arent cheap, they're dirt cheap mannnnnn! We head back to doomroom and snuggle in with fear.

7th Sept...
We move to the trekker hostel!!! Its a million times better than doomroom and thankfully dosent smell of hot wee. We head out to a mall since Lima isnt digging it for us, but after a couple of hours Will starts to break into an antimall rash sp we leave quickly before it spreads. Finally find an Al fresco thats open, it only took 3 days and 75 taxis 😊 Smoking opium and maruana is a natural habit of the locals and it seems that the taxis (or blag cabs) and every other vehicle is hallucinating as the honking of unecessary horns is constant. NNNOOooooooo we dont want a taxi!!!! YYYYYEEEEeeessssss we can see your car!!! A layer of smog clings to the skyline and the traffic play dodgems with the many clapped out cars. We wander through San Isidro and Mira flores back to hostel for our 'trekker briefing!' The group is 15 people and everyone seems ok, just trekker geeks. The tour guide suggests a place called Magma Sushi so we take a visit and feast for kings! After a close lost key incident we get our heads down for an early flight to Cusco. Sooooo excited!!

8th Sept...
We're so excited about our trip, obviously minus the guinea pig delicacy thats waiting to greet us YUK YUK YUK WRONG!! Our flight to Cusco is a couple of hours and as we come into land the very peaks of the vast mountain range poke through the bed of cloud. My stomach turns as I imagine the views our trek will bring. Outside our Cusco hostel an old woman stands in the street with a heavy load on her bed and urine trickles down from her skirt as she relives herself.... Should I be disgusted or feel sorry for her...? I just know it wasn't nice. After another briefing we venture into the centre of town and I arm myself with small change to avoid feeling heartbroke for the kids with no shoes, the old women pleading even the ones pissing themselves. These are extremely poor people. We accidentally walk into a street carnival, almost a mini notting hill and all generations are dressed in costumes and headgear and doing traditional dancing to the music beating out of the drums. Everyone is smiling and toe tapping and its fab to be a part of something so local and friendly. The cold has kicked in and so head back for another briefing. The altitude sickness hasnt set in but I'm definately struggling with breathing. At 3000m above sea level Cusco has thin air, its intensfied if you're also a hypo like me with anxiety disorders. I decide talking is not good as its using too much breath (much to Wills delight) so switch into mute. Will has gone TMO (titmode overload) so I'd rather not waste my breath. ANXIOUS!!! Panic levels are high!!

9th Sept...
The day for heading out to the Andes has arrived! I repack again to reduce the luggage load (that Will carries anyway) and I resnt having to leave the manolas and gucci shopper behind 😊 I do however manage to slip in the chanel mascara and lip gloss in and feel better instantly! We drive a few hours up into the Andes mountains and settle around 3000m my ears pop madly and a hangover headache sets in...altitude sickness... Our 1st stop is a village in the middle of nowhere called Queshuanca. The women line up in their traditional clothing as the smell of tourists pour in. The men are nowhere to be seen and the lamas and kids roam around dirty but happy? We get a demo on how the women collect the wool from the lama, die it with natural materials like worms, and then bind and weave to make the most amazing gifts taht we'll be bringing back for you all. It takes a month to make a small blanket and we dont dare haggle with the 5 quid equivalent charge for the colourful beautiful materials. We try and buy a little something from each lady to benefit all. We sneak away from the group and wander into a local family home and have a bizarre broken spanglish conversation. Everyone understands laughter and as Will jumps into their mound of wet clay and grass used to make bricks there are universal smiles and laughs all round from the kids to the grandfather. We move onto another village who work with a university which funds the study of condors, one of the incas worships. The condor is said to be a messenger to heaven, and its flippin massive with a wing spam of 5m. Go on Will, hold it!! After big bird we make our way to the sacred valley of incas and walk up the mountain to 3500m. Our guide tells us how the spanish invaded all the villages and took over, BASTARDS!!! The detail and the sheer size of the rock formations leaves a million questions of how and why? We head onto a village called Ollantaytambo and make base in a hostel and I can feel the spiders already waiting to greet me! We wander around and befriend a young local girl and fall in love with her baby Deago. She asks us to look after him and doesnt return for an hour!!! She then lobs her boob out and feeds the hungry mouth, Deagos!!! Will is mute... and red 😊

10th Sept...
Armed with lama socks, we head off at 5.30am for the Lares trek across the brutal Andes mountain range. First peak we'll reach is 3800m, and we soon predict who will fail in our group or take the horse, the fatty, the oldie, the moaner! We are immediately surrounded by kids as young as 2-5 all needing food, clothes and a good wash. Our guide warned us this would happen and we armed ourselves with pads, pens, sweets, fruit, footballs, hairclips, nuts, cereals, things we could give throughout the trek. It feels good to be helping but its so sad to see how poor these people are and I wonder how I can possibly adopt them all....The trek starts steep really quickly and the altitude immediately grips my oxygen intake, or lack of it. Slight vertigo tries to take my weak mind as wealk the narrow trail but its soon overcome. Group geek continously moan and groan and ask for breaks which is sooo annoying. We stop for lunch at a beautiful lake on a platform on the mountain and as GG all pile into the dinner tent set up Will and I sit outside and breathe in the views mixing with the porters and guide. This is the early sign of our purposeful segregation from GG. After lunch we head back on the trail and is soon apparent GG cant take the pace and stop for air, before walking on again at snails pace. Is soooooo frustrating and actually harder to stop start all the time. Will (donkey - he carries and pulls) and I break from the group and trek ahead with the faster porters and horses that carry the tents. We reach the 1st peak of 4100 metres and the view is spectacular! Dont get me wrong I had to double up my scarf as a rope and attach it to donkey who not only carried our 20kg rucksack with all of our things and my full blown chemist supplies and water, but dragged me upto the top too when it got steeper and hard! I LOVE HIM! The views from the top could be looked at for a lifetime and we pinch ourselves, are we really in the middle of the Andes mountains?? The snow peaks all around us and the cold air quickly chills us, and we begin our hike down the mountain to our 1st caqmpsite for the night. After fine cuisine of powered soup and fried rice in an abondoned old shack, we cosy into our tent in full lama uniform, donkey fills my tin water bottle with hot water and warms up my sleeping bag and gives me a stretch massage before we fall asleep to the wild dogs barking throughout the night and I resist the urge to pee 😞

11th Sept...
After waking up in a sleeping bag sauna, and stripping off the layers I brave the campsite loo. A plastic bag
attached to a seatless chair. Gross! Give me festival portaloos anyday! I try and juggle holding the cloth flapping door to avoid the prying lama whilst hovering over the chair, pulling out a wet wipe, and holding my breath. It takes serious skills believe me. After a big brekkie we set off for the biggie hike through the Lares trail. A group of andes women have appeared from nowhere to help pack up the tents and they leave with a plastic filled bagfrom the guide, turns out to be our scraps from dinner the previous night and breakfast...my eyes fill with tears as they leave with smiles to have food. We break from GG immediately and are astounded by the mounds of poo pellets everywhere, these cant be lama??? The air is so crisp and fresh and its exhilarating to be roaming the mountains free from phones, work, computers and I want to sing out 'the hiiilllsss are allivvvveee with the sound of muuuusic!' We pass through a small village and are surrounded by kids all wide eyed and blistered from the sun, but their tiny feet in jelly sandals, thick with dirt and cuts. GG take a snack break and photos and my heart bleeds, how can they be so ignorant?? We empty our rucksack the children gently touch us and look with wonder and hope, not greed or want, just hope. We give out pens, pads, hair clips, and food, as much as we can but knowing we have so many more kids to come along the way... I feel so useless and its just really really sad... We go into a local home, which is built of mud and anything that will suffice as a roof and its impossible to imagine how a family of six can live in the space thats cluttered with plastic bottles, rubbish, and a dozen guinea pigs race around the floor. Fast food anyone? The family pretty much eat sleep and live in the one tiny space amongst the furry friends and use lama skins to keep warm. Will gives the 2 kids there a deflated football
and the 6yr blows it up in seconds with superstrength breath and excitement. They grab Wills hand and put him in goal and kick the ball around in delight, its so hard to ignore their ripped pants and bare dirty feet but with the widest smiles, my eyes sting with mixed emotions. We press on and reach the 2nd mountain peak of 4100m, break for a quick lunch before moving up to the 2nd pass which is in the clouds at 4550m. Its freezing and as Will and I haved stormed ahead, we get a little lost in the clouds and we cant see further than a couple of meters ahead and behind. Patches are snow layer the mountain and I get a little scared and call out for anyone to hear us, it takes at least 30 minutes for the guide to catch up to us, but we'd gone off trail slightly. The guide points us back on track and I start to struggle with the altitude and the steep and rugged trail. Donkey hauls me up to the top and as the clouds clear the view is well worth the pain, cold and sweat. We make our offering of coco leaves to the mountain and hike back down trhough the clouds and lamas for another restless night in the tent but I'm too exhausted to care about dinner, the reds have come home so I settle into my sleeping bag and donkey brings me cake and love, its all good 😊

12th Sept...
Another 7am rise after walking through the night convinced there was a puma in the tent and realising it was just Wills chest. No sleep is taking its toll and I feel UGLY! Oh and have major period!!! Everyone must die, yes even cute dirty kids with no shoes. I want chocolate, pizza and blankey on couch watching sex in city! I put aside my killer instincts and we begin our hike back down the mountain. I soon forget myself when I see the women collecting our scraps again and dig out some clothes and give them out and breathe in the experience, and hold back the tears. Its just so amazing, all of it, but so terribly sad. The trail is dotted with andean women and children all the way back down, some selling handmade treasures and...wait...is that a dead fox youre selling??? We resist buying the dead fox however hungry we feel. The daily snacks we are given we give to all the passers by, young or old, women even ask for medicine and we give out our supplies. We move onto giving our clothes away, hats, scarfs anything, we dont need any of it, soon enough we will be nude at this rate 😊 But apart from feeling like you're helping these poor and cold people, I couldnt live with how guilty I felt wrapped in my warm fleece and boots walking past these freezing, starving people. I start eyeing up Wills boots and wonder if he'll really 'need' them in the jungle? Donkey and I reach the town at the bottom way ahead of GG who eventually pant their way down, for gods sake its DOWNHILL!! We base for lunch and Will gets a game of footy going ENGLAND v PERU and I'm in goal! GG all wimp out and sit on the side line complaining as I kick a few blasts their way. The guides and porters line up as we say our goodbyes and give tips and our trekking gear away, I wish we could give more these guys work hard to keep us safe and give us 5 star treatment in their undeveloped world, and they did an amazing job 😊 We catch a train to Escalyante and feel excited with the promise of hot natural springs to relax our bones, but soon we discover its just a dirty outdoor swimming pool with sulphur and dirty travellers (my own armpits have themselves developed such a unique fragrance) so after
a quick dip to show off Wills pecks, we ditch and chill out in a cool cafe with Marley tunes and hippy futons. I ignore the 18ft anacondor skin hanging above our heads and tuck into the well deserved PIZZZAAAA! Will opts for Alpaca, yes thats the cuter version of a lama 😞 I take full advantage of his guilt and chain smoke 😊 A minor TMO moment results in an early night in Hope hostel

13th Sept...
4am!!! WAKE UP!!! The Machu Piccu trek requires a 6.30am bus to beat the heavy people traffic the mountain commands and as we sleepwalk to the station over a 100 people are already in line. Our guide wants us to see the sunrise over the mountain and for us to witness the splendid views without the hundreds of tourists who will soon invade the city by midday and ruin our Bailey photies. After walking up thousands of steps, we emerge from the vegetation, a full panoramic view of the wonder of Machu Piccu slaps you off your feet and I'm suddenly wide awake! The inca city ruins sit proudly as its base. It is a few you could never forget, even as the zillion mozzies eat away at my legs I am frozen with wonder that we're really here staring at this sight. We climb higher, and as we do vertigo grips me as I peer down the valleys surrounding the city. Our witch doctor pretend guide gets me to inhale some natural mint leaves and although it doenst cure the vertigo I do experience a cool head rush 😊 When you look face onto the city the mountain behind is called Waynu Piccu and if you tilt your head to the side it becomes an inca face! We start to absorb the history of the city and how its one of few that was not taken by the Spanish, and how it was discovered by an American historian still covered in thick vegetation which had to be cut back to expose the city. Hundreds more cities are assumed to be undiscovered still in the amazon. Machu Piccu is basically Head Office to all the other inca cities and was a 'summer house' for the inca King...cool! We weave through the many homes, tombs and platforms and the massive stone formations carefully grooved to precision, with what though....? Their teeth?? These incas must be severly strong, the boulders are HUGE that the temples are built with and their aint no JCB tracks anywhere! After being left to our own devices, hundreds more tourists pour in and I wonder how much more this place could take?? We
bizarrely spot a 'Bollywood' movie being shot at the top of the mountain, where does it end??? Kellogs adverts next maybe? Our train back to Cusco hosts the staff as inca dancers and then a fashion shoot with stuffed lamas, hilarious!! We eat dinner with GG and I finally explode HATE HATE HATE HATE THEM ALL, FUCKING MINGEBAGSSSSSSSSS!!!

14th Sept...
Back in Cusco for the day and after a weird transaction with our guide at breakfast, we decide that he too must die! Who doesnt acknowledge let alone thank you for gifts and a generous tip? Obviuosly the guide, maybe GG attitude was right? He is added to the hate list anyway, much to Wills delight as he is now storming ahead at the top of the LOVE list 😊 We wander some unknown streets and realise how comfortable we've become with each discussing everyday normal topics...have you had a poo today??... smell my breath... my armpits stink! We are accousted by a young girl in the backstreets..'you want special massage missus and missssssss' Why not! We opt for a double trouble and at £4 an hour its a bargain. As we get changed we have a commando Will dilema and try and judge if he opts for the nude, will she try and touch his gonads? We agree on code word ENDO just in case it gets a bit dodgy. We leave feeling chilled and relaxed but Will keeps flinching everytime I go to touch him...did I fall asleep and not hear the code word?? We head back and get packed up for the amazon after buying loads more goodies. We posted a package of gifts out today, so see you in 20 days lama socks! For dinner we avoid GG and head to an organic place Will sniffed out. The food is fresh, healthy and delicious! An andian man strums a harp in the corner and wash down a bottle of vino discussing poo, farts and smells again completely in lurrvveee 😊

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