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'Merica
Yours truly
Photo taken by C-Benz or TeddyThis is my 100th blog entry! So to celebrate, we bring back a reader favorite. The Almanac, Part 2. This only covers entries 50-100 and assumes you have some grasp of the basics of the blog (who I am, who Teddy is, the baseball metaphor)
For new readers interested in the aforementioned basics read the
Almanac Part 1 or start reading from the beginning of the blog.
On to the good shit:
Lack of Writing in 2009-2010 Excuse 1 I had a serious girlfriend for a few months and then a tumultuous breakup which left me a shell of the person I once was.
Think of it like Tiger's extramarital affairs effecting his golfing dominance.
(American/Standard) Female Rating System (mentioned everywhere) Why use a simple 10-based metric system for rating girls which makes intuitive sense? Why not use an arbitrary base-16 system that utterly confuses the fuck out of the rest of the world?
Rag (mentioned here) Short for Random Asian Girl and describes the Asian girl who is slender, cute (but not hot) and is characteristically bland on a social level. Usually falls between a 10-14/16.
Snake (mentioned here) My super cool callname when I transform into a supersoldier.
Deer (mentioned here) I am fucking scared of wolves, bears, lions, tigers, rhinos...but at least these animals haven't cockblocked me.
Guidos (mentioned here) I am not afraid of guidos, despite situations on their stomachs and tangerine skin tones.
Vampires (mentioned here) But I am afraid of the mythical creatures preteen girls fawn over.
Robbing Cradles (mentioned here) I also don't hit on preteen girls...but Asian girls fuck up my game.
Older Women vs Younger Women (mentioned here) I also don't hit on older women. Despite the fact my first time was with a girl 9 years my senior (a really funny story I've somehow never mentioned in an entry) and some limited success with them (read
here), older women are too intimidating for me to take on. They make me blush and stammer and turn me into messes. With girls my age I can usually act my arrogant self.
Heading a Head (mentioned here) Except when I cockblock myself.
I have cockblocked myself on many occasions, most hilariously in this situation.
Current Writers Who Influence My Writing •
The Sports Guy: inclusion of pop culture in inventive ways makes his writing spectacular. Plus, he's funny as fuck. And I love sports.
•
Tucker Max: For obvious reasons.
•
Teddy: The one contemporary rival/friend/peer...scholars will someday be poring through our emails/MSN/Facebook convos in hopes of finding a gem to base their PhD on. Sadly, they will just find extreme degradation of races, women and sexual orientation and end up writing their PhD on Shakespeare.
• Tom Clancy: Who else can so aptly describe a bullet exploding a human head? All my English teachers just vomited into their Earl Grey's...but Clancy's way of making the world sound video game exciting is great for the short attention span that blog writing caters to.
There are many more writers whom influence my writing but they are either (a) dead or (b) only released one good piece (think J.D. Salinger), so they're not really relevant.
HKW A really vapid girl from Winnipeg, Manitoba (yes, I also had no idea where that was until I looked it up). I thought I was in love with her in the Fall of 08.
In hindsight, I'm really glad it never went further. Aesthetically pleasing to the eyes...and that's about the only compliment I can give her. But I guess when one has raging hormones in college, that's the only attribute necessary for guys to "fall in love" with you.
Some Lines I'm Really Proud I Wrote From
3 Day Weekend-Day 3: Japanese Girls Don't Mess Around:
"I slide to a stop in front of Chiaki and resist the urge to spike the drink (the celebration following a score, not the celebration guaranteeing a score)" Multiple similes in one, humor, pop culture and following the football trend in the sentences preceding this one. If you don't get it, Google touchdown spikes, Google date rape and recall scoring is a phrase used for fucking.
From
Stills From a Date in Kamakura:
"A balled up receipt whispers we ate at a restaurant in Kamakura..." The best line I've written on this blog. Encapsulates everything about that day, about Japan, about her and my memory of that day.
From
Graduating from Asia:
"A Venn Diagram of me and Pittsburgh would look like two braless tits." So funny, yet so true.
From
3 Day Weekend-Day 3: From Korean Girls to Japanese:
"...and my health was deteriorating faster than a midget with Ebola." I know I wrote this line, but I can't help laughing whenever I re-read it. I'm aware I'm going to hell.
From
Aggressively Courting Asian Girls...A Recipe for Disaster:
"A cute girl groaning, moaning and rolling around on my bed is the goal for most nights, but it somehow seemed a little less exciting when she was clutching her head in anguish." I give myself too much sexual credit. Usually girls in my bed are unnaturally still and constantly ask "can we stop?"
DL The girl who replaced HKW. She was funny, quirky and just all around a good friend. Smart enough to have opinions and arguments, dumb enough to use circular logic...so not perfect, but who is?
I quickly lost interest when she proudly claimed to have fucked some D-List celebrity's brother. However, this strengthened our friendship because now I constantly needle her about it.
Lack of Writing in 2009-2010 Excuse 2 I've been focusing more on "real" writing. A travelblog entry is relatively easy to write: I pick out parts of my life that seem somewhat interesting, spice them up with humorous lines and then write it. I don't really have to care about spelling, grammar and its nowhere close to good writing but usually the story is enough to push it through.
Real writing is a lot harder for me to do. I have to actually focus on my writing instead of the plot. Also writing means I stay at home and type away instead of going out and getting into crazy adventures that are blog-worthy.
If I ever make something non-cringeworthy or get published I'll post a link on this blog.
The Best Entry I've Written (here) From a literary standpoint.
Montreal I spent four years (minus summers) of university there. My best memories reside there, but I fucking hate the city. People hugging Montreal's nutsack always refer to the culture and the meld of European and North American...but that's not enough to blind you from the horrendous weather, made even more horrendous by the incompetence of the people.
My Writing Style I use run-on sentences a lot. I use ellipses a lot. I use parenthesis a lot. In technical terms, my writing blows more than a girlfriend who just got the ring.
Calling Out a Homer (mentioned here) Legend says Babe Ruth did this before launching a homerun 440 feet in the World Series.
If you're extremely confident in your abilities, emulate the immortal Bambino and point to her pussy before a single pitch has been thrown and call out the Home Run. Similar to the (real) game of baseball, you might get decked by the pitcher for doing this.
Lack of Writing in 2009-2010 Excuse 3 What made my blog entries from 2005 to early 2009 readable was continuity. Though the stories were just snapshots of my life, usually there was an overarching female figure I was chasing, or getting over, or looking for and this led each entry to flow into the other and provide some sense of suspense between entries.
But ever since my breakup, I've been on an I hate relationships, I hate women, I hate stability killing spree. There's nothing connecting one entry to the next. There's nothing to really blog about except "YO I GOT FUCKING DRUNK AND DID (insert random retarded thing)"
Racism Yes, my writing employs an insane amount of racist lines. Sorry, but racism is fucking hilarious. Does that mean I'm racist? No. Is Eddie Murphy racist because he makes racist jokes? Same thing.
Oh wait, he's automatically not racist cuz he's black.
Fat Black Girls Resemble Club Subwoofers (mentioned here) Or vice versa?
Onna/Herbal Essence She used the same shampoo as Chiaki and that was enough for me to briefly forget HKW.
Then...things got awkward.
Shonan Shonan is one of the best parts of Japan. A beach district just south of Tokyo, its home to crazy biker gangs, a surfer community and intense underground scene.
The train I used to take in Japan ended in Shonan so after many a hard night of a partying I would pass out on the train and wake up here.
Pittsburgh I lived in Pittsburgh for eight months. If you have a choice, go to Iraq before you go to Pittsburgh. At least the ugly bitches in Iraq are forced to hide under hijabs...in Pittsburgh the ugly bitches are the hot bitches.
If you're over 6 feet tall, white and enjoy rooting for douchebags like Sidney Crosby and Ben Rothelisberger, having your sexual partners outweigh you and love extremely segregated neighborhoods, by all means move to Pittsburgh and then good luck finding a job in the devastated local economy.
Bay Area The Bay Area is boring except San Francisco. Which is full of hipsters and fags and douches. And they all try to convince you they're going to be the next Mark Zuckerburg. Except Mark Zuckerburg was a Jew who went to Harvard who had a business plan for his startup. Not a pot smoker from San Francisco Community College with "a totally revolutionary idea!" that's jotted down in a moleskine notebook.
If you like being eclectically white, go here and basically do nothing while talking about doing everything. Don't be surprised when the black people you're so in touch with jump you if you cross the bridge to Oakland though.
Kentucky One of my good friends, not the state no one cares about. He was one of three white people in my Indian and Chinese dominated Computer Science graduate program. He was also the only white person down to get drunk as fuck and do stupid shit with me. All my adventures in Vegas and San Francisco involved him.
Vams My one other good friend from the masters program. Indian born and raised in Cali with a humor exactly replicating mine, he is the West Coast Gen.
Three-Day Weekends Are always crazy. Check the one with Kentucky in SF several entries back.
Consider this one in Tokyo 2009:
• Friday Night (
here): Fingerbang my grandmother (yes, you read that right)
• Saturday Night (
here): Double in a hotel with Kang 2.0 after decking a Korean
• Sunday Night (
here and
here: Confess my love to the wrong girl, end up passing on sex with a hot girl in a bathroom
• Monday Night (
here and
here): Punch a mirror and bleeding hand ensuses. Reflect on my actions and tell a complete stranger my mixed emotions. Complete stranger happens to be inexplicably connected to Miss KO.
Jews (here) I've never fucked a Jewish chick. To my knowledge, no Asian male has.
I completely blew having her blow me.
In a related rant:
Is semen kosher? Do Jews give head? Do you need to get a Rabbi to bless your dick before each oral sex encounter? Even if they gave head, do they just nibble on the tip because of the enormity of their nose? Does it feel like dipping your dick into a soy sauce platter full of water?
Even if you do manage to get past the kosher guard and the nose guard, what happens when you want to cum? If you cum anywhere except inside her uterus, does she automatically launch into a tirade about wasting 6 million lives and never forgetting?
Even more basic, when copulating are the lights and heat always off to save on the bills? Is it the worst sex imaginable? Do they whine and guilt trip even when orgasming? If you ever film yourselves fucking does she own the video because she owns the media?
Questions like these keep me up at night.
Private Entries 25 of my entries are private, so using my amazing Asian math skills, that means 25%!o(MISSING)f my entries are private.
Entries are private for the following reasons: the content is too graphic for Travelblog and I don't want to get kicked off, I have a story that will severely piss someone off and thus I hide it from the public or I don't want the story to spread due to personal reasons.
Ask me for a private subscription () and all these entries can be yours to read...and you'll finally see the missing links in the HKW story...or find out how I started dating Miss KO...or how I got the ill-fated date with Deer Girl.
Edit: My private subscribers complain links to private entries are impossible to find. I've listed all the private links on the bottom of this entry.
Reflexes (mentioned here) Speaking of head...
My physical reflexes when drunk are surprisingly good. I can somehow throw ludicrous dance moves on beat, dodge and counter punches...and in this case, I quickly determine a girl isn't going to deepthroat my miniscule yellow cock and manage to throw an insane trip-on-boxers-into-one-handed-freeze-past-vomiting-asian-chick. Flawless victory.
However, busting moves does not lead to busting nuts.
Awamori (mentioned here) Pure death in a bottle.
My first experience with it leads me to vomiting into a planter, getting dragged by a cop to my apartment, passing out in the elevator, passing out in the entranceway and then passing out in the tub.
Christal Champagne (mentioned here and here) Out of left field I manage to make out with this hot Hong Kong girl (she's apparently a runway model now?!). In a club, which is normal.
The second time, I manage to make her cum. Twice. By nibbling her ear. In a club, which is not normal.
Vitamin Water (mentioned here) It was my go-to drink for hangovers, thirst quenching and spending miniscule profits I made from pawning stolen lamps.
50 Cent also sponsors it, which increases the street cred of the electrolytes.
Sexual Waterfalls (mentioned here) Tears aren't the best lube...but they sure as hell are convenient...
K-Hunters (mentioned here) A term Teddy coined back in 2008, it refers to men who go after Koreans.
Unlike the negative connotations implied by Rice Chasers, Yellow Fever and Asianophiles, Teddy sought to legitimatize the sport by applying a new term. K-Hunters sounds regal, cool, a very masculine and recognized way of life. And thus white people with kimchee fever have latched onto this label because this somehow makes going after girls of a specific race socially accepted.
I was given this extremely prestigious hunting license when my rotation consisted of only Koreans in the fall of 2008. Until then I had no interest in Koreans due to
personal history,
global history and
general inaccessibility. Though I didn't bag any game with the license, my reawakening towards Korean girls led me later to...
Miss KO My girlfriend from October 2009 to May 2010. The first serious relationship I've had.
Considering I've devoted 10 or so entries to her, read up.
There's still a lot I haven't written, which I may get to at some point when I feel I am emotionally stable enough to revisit it.
The 'I Hate Gen' Club A group of girls formed it in my fourth year. Most members were former friends who hated I had wrote about some story involving them on this blog. The group was further fueled by people who already hated me--guys jealous of my rotation, girls hating me for no particular reason--merging into this group.
I found out about its existence when I started dating Miss KO since she had many friends in said unofficial club.
I found it amusing people would actually waste time hating on me.
So... If you hate me/the blog/coarse language/alcohol abuse/recreational drug use/misogyny/objectification of people/homophobic slurs/racism/bad writing, don't read it.
If you do happen to like all of the above (or a majority of them), keep reading. Things are heating up...
...and thanks for sticking with me for 100 entries!
A list of all 25 private entries in chronological order. A note about dating: from 2009, I started dating my entries the date the entry occurred, not the date it was published. So for those confused when I jumped dates, just check the date at the top of the entry and you'll get a clear idea of when it happened.
J-ZN/Texas Arc
• 05/21/2008:
Drunk Gen Takes Control HKW Arc
• 09/15/2008:
A Tour of Asian Girls • 09/24/2008:
BookFace: The Bane of My Existence • 09/29/2008:
Subconsciously Turning Mistakes Into Victories • 10/08/2008:
Karma • 10/25/2008:
Smells Like More Trouble • 11/06/2008:
Sexual Waterfalls • 11/19/2008:
Taking Action • 11/26/2008:
A Turning Point in My Love Life • 01/26/2009:
Exploding into the New Year DL Arc
• 02/28/2009:
A Yearly Tradition During Spring Break • 03/06/2009:
Aggressively Courting Asian Girls...A Recipe for Disaster • 03/25/2009:
Trying to Stay On Track Japan Part Tre Arc
• 06/06/2009:
The Answer is at the Bottom of a Bottle of Awamori • 06/28/2009:
Pivot Point • 06/30/2009:
Numero Quatro • 07/11/2009:
Back To Square One • 07/27/2009:
3 Day Weekend-Day 4: Reborn • 07/27/2009:
3 Day Weekend-Day 4: Optimism • 07/28/2009:
Preparations Pittsburgh/Miss KO Arc
• 09/02/2009:
The One OK-Looking Girl in Pittsburgh • 10/30/2009:
The Night That Was • 05/10/2010:
Saying Goodbye to a Friend
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