The Revenge of the Binks

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Sunday 4th March

Jim and I looked after the kids while Em had a monster lie-in. When we got back Star Wars Episode I was put on, which I'm still bitter about (not that it was put on, but that it exists). After we had elected characters (I suggested I was luke skywalker and Jack reacted disproportionately tantram-like) I played Star Wars with Jack (this means picking up plastic power tools and attacking each other). Killing is Jack's thing these days, and he said, in an educational way that one might say "when we take something we say 'thank you'" except he said "when we kill we do it like this." Then slashed a power tool through the air. Killing is fun at that age, ain't it? He also has learned to temper outrageous demands by pre-fixing them all with "maybe".

In the afternoon Jim and I went to get lunch and went for what Emily calls a "Tom" walk, by which she means we stopped off at the pub. It was lovely and warm I must say - we sat in a garden and drank superchilled Amstell.

Salmon en croute for dinner - was delish. Bed after more redux content.

Monday 5th March

Woke up at 8.30am to look after Jack for the morning. I say look after, I just put on Star Wars III and answered at least 600 questions of "why". I answered all of them, figuring that they would end eventually. Wrong. When Ems got back we went to the park and Jack started chanting "I wa i cream" 50 thousand times. To Em's credit, she didn't crumble, lamenting her previous form in this area.

We went out to the Botanic gardens on the bus, they have a very Aussie feel to them, not too British, and contained hairy fox-bats, very old trees and old colonial buildings now used for more republican activities. The kids did some tree rubbings, which means putting crayons to paper against trees and making a sick-like pattern - to opulent and transparently insincere praise from us adults.

Got back in bags of time to pack my.... bag, and catch the 8:40pm train to Melbourne!

11 hours, it was supposed to be, but there we are. There was an announcement at some point "ladies and gentlemen, that sound you just heard was us hitting a tree across the track. We'll just have a look at the train and she how bad the damage is..." then later "yep, the wheels are badly hit I reckon, if you feel the train bumping that'll be the crushed wheels, so there's gonna be a delay, but that's the way it is I reckon - not much we can do about it."

I arrived in Melbourne a meer 3 hours late - simples!

Tuesday 6th March

Took me a bit to walk across town to the Hostel, but most pleased when I got there! It's a massive old nunnery, with about 50 rooms, and when I turned up I was in a room of 6 beds, but I had the pick and got the single tucked away in the corner. Melbourne, how to describe? Much more European than Sydney - nearly English, in fact. E.g. they like cycles, there are many more colonial buildings and places named after Victoria, Albert and that lot, and is far more cosmo than sydney, with blacks, asians (by which I mean English asians, i.e. Indian subcontinent) and all the rest. None of them in Sydney, lemme tell ya!

Here are the places I went to over next two days, and my ratings thereof.

Immigration museum: All about people coming to Australia for a better life, or in the case of children sent over from Britain, a worse one. 7/10 $10

Melbourne Museum: Fantastic - huge, big dinosaurs, loads of animals, psychology exhibition, science, natural history and abo art. Total lush - I was there for about 4 hours. All the free internet you want at the end. Plus it has the oldest computer ever in the world in. Literally. 10/10 $10

Free tram: Genius - 100%!f(MISSING)ree old school tram everyday. Great for getting around and people on board tell you what's going on. 10/10

Queen Victoria Market: Amazing. Tim Salisbury's heaven. It's absolutely massive and has everything ever in the world in it, plus cheap, unlike the rest of the country! Meats, cheeses, clothes, other food, stuff, gifts, ornaments, eating and drinking places, it's all things for all people. 10/10

National Gallery of Victoria: Again, the state, not the queen. Very Euro-centric, with European Art from 1300 - 1900s over three floors, and 1 room dedicated to Asain art, 1 Bhudda room, and some mad sketches from some bloke. Huge. Would give it a higher rating if I liked art. But I just don't. Sorry. 6/10 free

High 88. A massive tower which has the highest indoor viewpoint in the southern hemisphere, so they say. I learned of the rivalry between Melbourne and Sydney which is that Sydney put a spike on their equivalent tower to make it taller but you can't go up there. Childish behaviour, the poo - faces. Expensive but just about worth the views. 7/10 $17

There are loads of amazing Empire-type structures - Flinders Street station, Royal Exhibition Building, Library, City Hall, Parliament building.

On Tuesday I went to evensong in St. Paul's Cathedral, which inside is stripy like a Catholic Cathedral, but the lack of statues and the awful standard of music confirmed that it was, indeed, Anglican. Conversely, St. Patrick's catholic Cathedral had all the opposite qualities to confirm that it is, indeed, well catho.

After evo I went to find a pub and ended up talking to some locals who were with one Brighton girl now living out here. They showed me the nightlife of the city, by which I mean we drank until my memories collapsed. Got back via autopilot - not bad seeing as how I'd only just arrived!!

The other thing I learned about Melboure is everything is called "Victorian" which I assumed meant the age of Victoria, but it's just what people from the state of Victoria call themselves. I worked this out finally after seeing a shop called "Victorian hobbies" and being confused as to why the hobbies were modern. Not a opium pipe in sight!

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