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Published: February 8th 2011
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I went to an exhibit today in the Australian Museum called, "Surviving Australia" that dealt primarily with the thousands of creatures on land and sea that inhabit this vast country and their incredible abilities to survive a number of climatic, geographical and environmental issues. Of course, many of these creatures I hope I never encounter. For example, the tiny blue-ringed octopus who has enough venom in its tentacles to kill ten full grown men. Or the minute box jellyfish...in their particular case, you must first endure their sting and then wait as total paralysis becomes imminent. The most horrific creature of all, is one that I seem to be encountering on a daily basis given that this is the summer season "Down Under"...primarily the TOURIST. It's a good thing I'm on sabbatical this year...many tourists would receive failing grades and would NEVER be promoted to the next level!!! I have now spent one week of struggling to find some peaceful coexistence with them. It has been a challenge to say the least. So, if you want to fit in with these people...here are ten helpful tips to assist you in your development.
1. Talk OVER the guide. If the guide
gets louder...then you must get EVEN LOUDER.
2. DON'T read any instructions at the site you are visiting. As many of these sites contain pictorial signs (acknowledging the lack of English in some cases) it is doubly important that you IGNORE these as well. For example, if you are at a peaceful and silent koala sanctuary and you see one of these creatures in a tree, it is mandatory that you shake the tree, shout up at the tree, throw candies at the creature, shout at the top of the lungs to your fellow travellers so that they can join in as well and do everything you can in your power to disturb, upset and possibly kill that uncooperative animal! If the sign says no smoking, this is a TRICK ...it means..."take out your cigarette and endanger everything and everyone around you!".
3. Make sure you travel in a group of at least five people. Even numbers never work. The bigger...the better...this will enable you to block off the site for other visitors and make it impossible for them to enjoy the viewings!
4. Because you are travelling in a pack, it is vitally important that when
the all-so-important photo session begins, that you make sure every possible configuration of people have been created for each photo. For example , if you are in a group of five, give each person a label, A, B, C, D and E. Then begin your photo arrangements....AB, CD , ABC, BCD, ABCD, AE...you get the picture!
5. Ensure that your group includes young, young children. Make sure they are left to run free (the wilder the better), scream at the top of their lungs and knock themselves into other camera-wielding perpetrators.
6.Each picture pose must include the following elements. For women...demure, glamourous poses, for men...rugged, puffed out cheeks and sucked in bellies. For both groups...forget about the site in the background...make love to the camera!!!
7. Always have a camera, a cell phone, a smart phone, any form of electronic that captures pictures in your hand and wave it about in the air without any regard to the people around you. Think of your camera as a battle weapon and do not give in to the enemy! This is WAR!!!
8. Rush to any souvenir shop that is located nearby and purchase the most benign and
culturally-offensive object you can get your hands on. It is mandatory you waste your money in this manner so that production of such objects is increased and the purpose of the visit is completely lost. Go to the front of the line if you purchased a t-shirt that says, "My parents went to Australia and all they got me was this lousy t-shirt"!
9. If at any point in your visit, a buffet or service of food is provided, it is mandatory that you abandon any cultural discussions or interactions. Immediately abandon the site you are supposed to visit and cram as many mayonaisse-laden delicacies as you can down your throat.
10. If you are a true tourist and honour all of the aforementioned, then you should definitely consider a trip to the Great Barrier Reef. Since you obviously love getting "up close and personal" there is something known as a "Great White" that can definitely take care of all your needs!!!
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Jude
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Top Ten Ways To Spot A Tourist
I see the pic of the bridge that you are going to walk accross. WOW, you've probably done that by now, LOL afterall it is tomorrow!! So interesting about all the creatures on land and sea, enjoyed reading very much. Oh Kevin, how hilarious the Ten Ways To Spot A Tourist, hahaha now that should be published somewhere. How true, and I can just see it all now. Very well said !! So nice talking to you, hope the rest of the day was great, take care and take your time and Enjoy each and every minute, savour it all. ps these pics are beautiful xo JUDE